The city of Bristol may be a dirty stain on the North Somerset landscape; but this parody is excellent!
I had the rather unpleasant experience of visiting Sainsbury’s this evening. A trip to the supermarket is nasty at the best of times, and made worse by the fact Christmas is just days away. As the shops are closed for two days over the holiday period, and everyone is confined to their homes; people stock up on excessive quantities of food and drink; as if we were on the brink of a nuclear war, and had to live in bomb shelters for 12 months.
THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING RUSH CAN ONLY BE LIKENED TO THE THREAT OF WAR
The shelves were depleted, while the aisles were grid-locked with trolleys and annoying customers chatting and browsing aimlessly – getting in my way! I find a sharp bash to the back of the foot with the trolley wheel gets the herd moving (what lovely Christmas spirit).
THE TROLLEY WHEEL. ONLY A GUN MOVES SHOPPERS FASTER.
I managed to get all my shopping done, surprisingly with as little stress as possible (considering the crowded conditions). I do, however, have a few complaints. I will be airing these to my friend, Simon, who works in Sainsbury’s and is a top ambassador to the supermarket.
1) Why was I not allowed to use my trolley at the self-service checkout?
2) I found a number of Coca Cola bottles had some disgusting oil/pig-fat/wax residue on them. Is this normal? The strange fluid went all over my hands. I had to wipe myself on a female store assistant’s uniform – she was fucking livid.
3) When buying bananas, I always check them for spiders. What I didn’t look out for, was quality of fruit. Only when arriving at the checkout did I find them to be as soft as baby shite and inedible. I left them on the floor by the checkout. Did anybody slip on them in a comical manner after I left?
4) I see Sainsbury’s have donation boxes for charities. Why is it that there is more dog food in the animal shelter trolley, than there is “people food” in the collection for tramps? Do shoppers care more about animals than hobos, or is the Pedigree Chum fed to the crusties? As tramps like drugs, I donated a box of Lempsip.
TRAMPS LOVE LEMSIP
5) Why are Pringles so addictive? Should they carry a warning, or be upgraded to a Class B drug?
PRINGLES – A GATEWAY DRUG
Over to you, Simon.
Ill again. Have cold. Left work early. Go to bed shortly. *cough, cough* *splutter, splutter*
Last week, I ordered a pair of tickets to see Jimmy Carr in The Pavillion, next February. They dropped through the letterbox this morning. If it’s anything like this years show, it’ll be excellent. Only 66 days to go…
This morning I had to leave the office to care of some other business. When I returned, I noticed a few of my colleagues had sabotaged my desk.
For those who can’t make the picture out; they stuck the picture of “Butters me” onto the desktop fan, a speech-bubble, sellotaped the telephone, put my Leeds United beanie on top, tied my Bath City scarf around the base, and placed my gloves and random items on the table.
Apparently they missed me so much, they wanted to re-build me. I will get them back when they least suspect it…
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
