I love The Jeremy Kyle Show. One of the pleasures of being off work is that on a weekday morning I can indulge myself by watching some quality television – mainly a bunch of chavs being humiliated and yelled at by Jezza.

Nearly every man who appears on this show is

a) unemployed
b) an alcoholic
c) a drug addict
d) a sex cheat
e) all of the above

We then hear how they have been a total bastard to their 18 year old girlfriend and her 9 kids. Kyle will tell them to get a job, ‘put something on it’ and stop wasting the tax payer’s money. The audience will go wild with admiration.

Today’s episode featured a man who had covered his face in tattoos. He had cheated on his girlfriend, pissed off his mother-in-law and worst of all, was on the dole (those tattoos weren’t cheap!). Jezza got angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry; unless you’re a viewer, in which case it’s hilarious.

The next knuckle-dragging thug was a pretty boy who had beat up his girlfriend. The term ‘pretty boy’ isn’t exactly true, although  I am sure someone would refer to him as ‘beautiful’, but only if it was followed with the word ‘animal’ and he was in the gorilla enclosure at Bristol Zoo.

Jeremy got angry with him too. The ape muttered something about a previous gambling addiction Kyle once had. Big mistake (although very funny). Any attempt to fight back at Jezza just makes things worse.

Quite possibly the best thing to ever to appear on the show, and indeed the whole of television, is this clip where a WHITE woman and a WHITE man are seeking confirmation over the father of their BLACK baby.