Bath City 0-2 Stockport County
Conference National
Tuesday 18th October 2011 – 19:45

Twerton Park is a famous old football ground. Its illustrious turf has been graced by thousands of players and mangers over the years, some of which have won such honours as the Les Phillips Cup, FA Vase and even the infamous Setanta Shield.

Always one to catch a celebrity, I was particularly enthusiastic about the visit of Stockport County and their German manager Dietmar Hamann – a UEFA Champions League winner and World Cup Finalist. Sure, those tin pot competitions are not be as highly regarded as the Somerset Premier Cup, but when I saw him standing in the cold Twerton Park car park, I thought I would wander along and say hello – or “guten tag”.

He wasn’t really the chatty type. He even stole my pen and scribbled on my match day programme. Blatant vandalism. That’s £2.50 Didi owes me!

I bet I found it easier to get Hamann's signature than Gerard Houllier did

My Jim Rollo autograph is far more prestigious

Bath City were running a promotion on the evening’s game – ‘Take a Mate For Free’. Did Dietmar take advantage of this offer? I doubt it. I didn’t see Steven Gerrard or Stefan Kuntz wandering around… hehehe Kuntz.

While in the queue at the bar, a group of elderly Stockport fans arrived. They couldn’t have been more northern if they tried. I know many of us speak funny down here, but they amused me. It was like an episode of Last of the Summer Wine *

The queue to the bar was long “I’m gonna ‘ave to get my binoculars out to see t’bar” shouted out a loud Stockport fan named Wallace at the rear of the line. “It’s gonna be t’alf t’time before we get t’drink” replied his mate, Gromit **

They sounded like what Manchester United fans would sound like if they supported their local club. Instead your typical ManYoo fan sounds like this.

* Yes, I am fully aware that the sitcom is based in Yorkshire and Stockport is in Greater Manchester. Please take this as a light hearted joke (like most of my blogs) and don’t be offended.

** OK, slight exaggeration there. Don’t be mad, remember, we speak funny too (“ooh arrr”)

It’s wasn’t “t’alf t’time” before we were served. We were all drinking Thatchers like members of The Wurzels by 7.

and as for Ian Holloways... more sought after than John Lennon's

The match. Poor.

The referee. A woman. She had  a poor game. That isn’t being sexist – “Some of my best friends are women” (see Monday’s blog for that reference). She just missed a few things… like a blatant penalty. Most referees annoy me, even the male ones, so the fact she was female didn’t piss me off, it was the fact she wore black and blew her whistle too many times.

A few Bath City supporters were not as politically correct as me, however. During one particularly bad decision by Amy Fearn, a loud voice bellowed out from behind me “Watch the game, you silly bitch!” I looked behind, expecting to see Andy Gray or Richard Keys. It wasn’t Keys or Gray, it was some abusive City fan. Believe it or not, he calls all referees who come to Twerton a bitch – even the male ones. He may be a moron, but he isn’t a sexist moron.

In case you were wondering about the match result. We lost 2-0. No doubt beating Bath City was a greater achievement for Dietmar Hamann than winning the European Cup.