Grimsby Town 6-0 Bath City
Conference National
Saturday 21st January 2012 – 15:00

Grimsby Town. A team Bath City have very much enjoyed playing in recent years. Despite Grimsby being a far bigger club than Bath, it has been The Romans who have been slaying The Mariners during the past couple of seasons… until this weekend. It isn’t that The Mariners just killed The Romans; more the fact they disembowelled them with a rusty fishing hook, before throwing their still alive and quivering carcass overboard to a family of ravenous sharks. Yes folks, Bath City got well and truly stuffed yesterday.

The journey began as I left my flat shortly before 7am – an ungodly time to be awake on a Saturday morning, let alone up, dressed and wandering the streets. The short walk to Twerton Park was made and the coach boarded. There was much excitement amongst the travelling supporters when they spotted the coach driver – an older gentleman with a dislike for people and a hatred for football fans. If you were after service with a smile, you were on the wrong coach. If a grumpy Yorkshireman was to your liking, then it was your lucky day.

The coach trip was long. To pass the time, the usual 50/50 raffle was held, cheese rolls were sold and predictions of the upcoming match were made. The majority of these being along the lines of “I think we’ll lose, but if we have a good day a draw is a possibility. Then again, you never know, we could beat them”

Upon entering the county of South Yorkshire, the coach driver announced to all the passengers “If you look to your right, you’ll see where I was born”. Whether he heard one supporter’s reply of “Were you born in a field?” as the coach drove through northern countryside, I don’t know. That would be the last time he would speak to the fans again – except to ask us all to take away our rubbish at the end of the night.

The coach arrived at Cleethorpes (where Grimsby Town play) at midday – more than enough time for a leisurely stroll to the seafront. Along the way, we walked along the high street. If you like your specialist shops, Cleethorpes is the place for you. After a vicious exotic pet which will probably kill you? Then go Fangs and Fin. Like dressing up? You had better come to Cleethorpes, as they have a costume store as big as Asda. They even have a sex shop, which boasts a range of products for “couples and singles”. An embarrassed-looking man emerged from there, clutching a blue carrier bag, before running home down a side street. No prize for guessing how he spent Saturday afternoon.

Steve McFadden. Worth a trip to Cleethorpes to see him alone.

Being in Cleethorpes at lunchtime, it would be rude not to try a local cuisine. We therefore visited a local chip shop and bought battered Mars Bars. Not heard of these? It’s simple. You get a Mars Bar, chuck it in chip batter and fry in molten fat for five minutes. It was lovely.

Eating a battered Mars Bar. When in Rome..

Battered Mars Bars consumed and cholesterol levels how healthily increased, the walk back to Blundell Park was made. There was a surprising amount of dog excrement on the streets. Watching where you walked was a necessity to avoid stepping in something unpleasant.

Owl always love Bath City

Blundell Park offers one of the best club shops in the league, putting Bath City’s dog food marquee stall to shame. Here are just some of the exciting products available at the Grimsby Town FC Megastore…

Not a sex toy

Brush when you're winning

Sitting on the naughty step

After restraining myself from buying a Grimsby Town toothbrush, I entered the turnstiles, handing over £18.00 – yes, eighteen Great British Pounds to watch non-league football! With still an hour to go until kick off, we headed to the away fans’ bar for a pre-match drink. The place was buzzing, as four supporters including myself, filled a small damp room under the away stand, drinking Fosters and John Smiths, served from cans, while watching snooker on the telly – no Sky Sports here. The barman tried to see if the TV was able to get ITV1, in preparation for next weekend’s televised match between Liverpool and Manchester United. No such luck. The choice of TV channels as poor as the choice of beer.

"We filled your bar for you!"

Kick off arrived. Mrs. Amy Fearn was the referee – the female official who failed to award Bath City a penalty against Stockport and disallowed a perfectly good goal against Mansfield. I must admit, I failed to see the penalty shout in the Stockport game, but was left enraged by the goal she ruled out a couple of months ago.

The game started well for City. Mrs. Fearn awarding us a lot of dubious free kicks and causing anger amongst the Grimsby supporters. I was starting to wonder if she automatically took a dislike to home fans.

Then, out of nothing, Grimsby scored – a good goal which was celebrated by an impressive crowd in excess of 3,500. The Fratellis’ Chelsea Dagger was played at full volume throughout Blundell Park. I have a lot of respect for Grimsby Town, but respect can soon be lost, especially if a club plays goal celebration music!

Despite being 1-0 down, City continued to match the home side. A Grimsby brute then hacked down Paul Stonehouse. Amy Fearn did nothing. The fact she was penalising Grimsby for very minor offences made the fact she ignored a Bath City player being sliced in two quite remarkable.

It was cold day with a North Sea gale blowing into the ground, nearly tearing up the corner flag. I began to seriously regret no bringing a scarf, hat or gloves.

1-0 soon became 2-0 when Grimsby were awarded a corner, which they duly scored from. More cheering. More goal-celebration music. The club announcer, confused as to who had scored announcing “Goal for Grimsby… from a corner!” I wish Bath City could score from corners. I can’t remember the last time we did.

Half time. 2-0 down. Freezing cold. Time for a coffee. Cost £1.50. Overpriced, but not quite as expensive as Kettering Town’s “Daylight robbery in a cup”.

Optimistic fans began talk of a comeback. There was even a suggestion that due to the high winds, goalkeeper Jason Matthews may score. “He scored before for Weymouth!” piped up one fan. You know things are bad when you’re relying on your keeper to score the winner.

With the start of the second half, came Grimsby’s third goal. Any chance of a Bath City comeback gone (unless Jason Matthews was able to score a hat trick). It would appear that The Mariners were finally going to beat The Romans, as the metaphorical rusty fishing hooks were prepared.

The rest of the second half went like this… Jason Matthews, lobbed by a Grimsby striker to make it 4-0. Crowd go wild. Metaphorical Mariner impales metaphorical Roman with metaphorical hook. Home fans moan a bit because the referee does something wrong. Why moan? I would LOVE to be winning 4-0.

The crowd was announced. 3,836 fans – 40 travelling from Bath. The home fans showed their appreciation and clapped the suffering away supporters. The home players showed their appreciation and scored another goal. 5-0. Never mind, things can’t get any worse, can they? We have an easy trip to Wrexham coming up next week. That’s Wrexham who are top of the league and look set to be champions.

With the game drawing to a close, Grimsby took another corner. “They’ll score from this” I announced to a fellow fan. Sure enough, it was a sixth goal for Grimsby, a sixth cheer from the home fans and a sixth time to hear the now very annoying Chelsea Dagger. By now the metaphorical Romans had been torn to pieces by metaphorical sharks.

The fourth official began to prepare the board to display the added on time. C’mon, there’s no need for that, is there? How about we call it 7-0 and we can all go home now? Sound fair? No? Stuff you then. Luckily there was only 3 minutes and 0 more goals for Grimsby.

Things got heated between the away fans at full time. A small number of supporters who can only fairly be describe as “clueless morons” taking it upon themselves to abuse the team and management following the defeat. 6-0 is harsh and upsetting for everyone involved, but when you consider the massive difference in club size and financial resources between Bath City and Grimsby Town, the result was not too surprising. All teams get the occasional thrashing. It’s football. Accept it. I must admit, along with a few other supporters, I did give some of the idiotic fans a realty check, suggesting that if they don’t like what they see “Don’t bother coming”. All clubs have followers who are quite frankly, stupid. Sadly, Bath City a number of these so called fans.