Claire took a deserved break from her household and nursing duties, to spend an hour at a friend’s house. I suspected she had returned when I heard the front door open. I knew she had returned when I heard her let out a terrifying scream. Considering that I hadn’t attempted to cook cheese on toast in her absence, and thus destroying the kitchen, Claire’s blood-curdling shriek must have meant one thing… a spider.

My assessment of the developing perilous situation, by the front door, was correct. Claire had eye-spied a spider. The next question I posed would be the most critical. Any arachnophobe will know exactly what this question is and how it is of paramount importance…

“how big is it?”

Based upon Claire’s scream, moments earlier, I knew that I wouldn’t like her response… “BIG!”

Now, when somebody responds with the word “BIG”, it isn’t always a bad thing – it all depends upon the question posed. For example, “What is your favourite Tom Hanks movie?” or “Which gangster rapper is believed to be ‘Notorious’?”. To answer “BIG” to either of those questions could, in no way, be considered a negative. Unless you’re a die hard fan of Forrest Gump.

To answer “BIG” to any question regarding a spider is bad. You could even say it is a big, big worry for me!

I started to scream. This lead Claire to start screaming again. Roman looked terrified. I don’t think he is frightened of spiders (at least he wasn’t before yesterday). Judging by his owners’ terror, Roman must have thought a man and rabbit-eating monster had broken into the house.

Claire ran to the kitchen to get something, which could be used to catch the spider. She returned with one of the largest utensils possible (although anything less would have been too small), a Sports Direct Mug. Whatever poor sod sent us this mug in the post may have only been on a zero-hour contract and had not gone to the toilet for days, but by supplying us with a grossly oversized teacup, had immensely helped Claire, Roman and I in our moment of plight.

Claire is normally very brave and quick at catching spiders. Since moving in with me, 5 years ago, she has been forced to deal with the beasties. However, in this instance the creature from the black lagoon was both too large and too fast, even for Claire, with all her expertise.

The only way in which the mug was going to be of any use, was if Claire either threw it at the spider, or made me an Irish coffee in it, to calm my nerves.

Claire had to resort to something we are not proud of (apart from Roman, who was all for the idea)… she had to kill it with bug spray. We both hate killing things, even spiders, but sometimes you have no choice. Before all the vegans start posting hate on my blog, let me ask you “would you kill a sewer rat if it was living in your kitchen?” Most people would. And isn’t “all life equal”? Case closed.

After getting sprayed, the spider ran to hide under my stairlift. Once sedated, Claire caught it in the massive mug (thanks, Mike Ashley) and released it outside.

Nightmare over. Or so we thought…

In all the excitement, Roman had kicked poop from his litter tray everywhere. If Claire thought that dirty protest was bad, she was yet to see my underwear!

The real Beast From The East