I normally enjoy Fridays in the office. I feel that whatever happens across the eight or so hours that I spend at my desk, come 4.30pm, it is the weekend and I am out of there!

Each Friday, I wake up, telling myself that absolutely nothing can go wrong to ruin my day…

The computer system could allow a locum doctor to accidentally update every patient record, stating that they have myxomatosis. I’d fix the mistake, quickly and professionally *, with a friendly smile on my face.
* or ask somebody senior; ensuring that I take no offence when they reply “oh, for ***** sake!”

A secretary could accidentally and inadvertently expose a software security hole, unknown to everyone; before proceeding to unwittingly wipe the entire system and erase everything. I would just shrug and calmly accept that “these things happen”. Hakuna Matata *
* easy for me, really. I wouldn’t be the one expected to fix the mess.

The point of these examples is that whatever metaphorical excrement is thrown at me come the end of the week, I will be a lot less stressed by the situation, as the weekend is just around the corner.

However…

There was always going to be that word. Why else would I have taken the time to write this blog post?

The first of my two ordeals, or ‘Friday Frights’ (rather fitting with Halloween next week), involved an accident in the toilet – the location of most accidents! Thankfully, in my case, my “accident” was considerably less dirty than you are no doubt imagining.

A couple of months ago, one of my wireless earphones mysteriously vanished. The earphones are like Ant and Dec, in that one doesn’t work without the other. Seriously – it’s true. Due to keeping one ear free, in order to hear what’s going on in the office, I have only ever used one of the two ear buds (or whatever they’re called) at a time. Therefore, despite losing one of the buds (Ant), I was disappointed that the other bud (Dec) was useless and didn’t do a job alone.

Dec sans Ant

I therefore decided to invest in a new pair of earphones. They work better than the old set, have superior sound quality and come with a battery pack, so become recharged, without the need to be plugged into a power source. I still believe that one bud won’t run without the other, but cannot use the Ant and Dec analogy again, and am struggling to think of another. I’ll name them after former-Leeds United manager, Neil Warnock, and the goalkeeper, Paddy Kenny, who used to follow him to whatever club he would end up at. Neil can be the right ear Paddy the left.

Back to the toilet. I found myself in the work bathroom, answering a call of nature. While washing my hands, disaster struck! One of the buds fell out of my ear! It was Neil Warnock! My hand reached out in an attempt to try and catch the falling earphone, but only managed to help Warnock on his way towards the filthy floor – thankfully missing the toilet bowl!

Neil Warnock was on a floor of filth and dirt. I would normally find such a sentence hilarious; but as it does mly refer to the football manager, instead, a device that I place inside my ear, I was less than impressed with the mishap. To make things more annoying, Warnock shouldn’t have been in my ear anyway! I never wear earphones when going to the toilet, due to the risk of losing them, so I was understandably displeased.

I managed to rescue dirty Neil, using a handful of toilet paper, before returning to my desk, in order to get on with my work and have a think about how to sterilise Warnock of every disease and virus known to man, without infecting myself.

Bloody hell, Neil! You’re filthy.

I discovered to my relief, that the earphones I had purchased were waterproof. The product description boasts how you can wear them in the shower. Surely this means that I can give Warnock a much needed wash?

I placed Neil in a used water bottle, before adding soap and warm water. I then shook the bottle, before emptying its contents. I washed Warnock under a tap, before sticking him under a hand dryer.

It is probably fair to say that Neil Warnock is now cleaner than Paddy Kenny!

It was time to test my cleaning skills and to see if the product description on Amazon was lying. I started to listen to Warnock, by playing Spotify through my mobile. I could certainly hear the music, but Neil Warnock was really, really quiet – something which football fans will find very ironic, considering the ear bud’s namesake is anything but!

Back home, I undressed Neil Warnock, as I suspected that he, I mean “it”, was still wet from his (its) earlier wash. Stripping Warnock was easy. Putting the rubber covering back on was an almost impossible challenge – although I eventually achieved it.

The good news is that Neil Warnock is back to being as loud as ever. The ear bud is working again too!

Time has beaten me, and despite the clocks going back tonight, gifting us all an hour, I need to get to sleep asap.

Rest assured, I will return to write up the second Friday Fright – and this was a genuine scare!