I couldn’t help but notice one of the strangest television shows that I’ve come across in a long time the other day – and that is some statement, as I watch a lot of weird stuff.
Claire initially put the programme on for herself, but I found myself having no choice but to have a listen, given what I was overhearing!
Note – I say “listen” as opposed to “watch”, as it was around midnight, we were in bed preparing to sleep and my glasses were off. Even if I did want to see the depravity which was accompanying the conversations I was hearing, I wouldn’t be able to without my goggles.
I initially felt compelled to listen, when I heard a young man asking a medical professional for advice on sexual health. The conversation escalated rather quickly; progressing to a topic so utterly disgusting that I generally wretched.
I’m not going to beat around the bush here – for one thing, there was no bush involved in this sexual chat. Get this… the man was told how to LICK his partner’s ARSE HOLE!
I’ll pause momentarily, to allow you to throw up.
YOU MAY WANT ONE OF THESE IF YOU ARE TO CONTINUE READING…
This real life television show – on E4, by the way, not some dodgy Swedish import – was actually giving advice on using your tongue to make contact with another person’s anus.
Your TONGUE, which is connected to the MOUTH, where food enters the body – licking the ARSE HOLE, where SHIT exits the body!
Un-fucking-belivable! The hand hygiene freak in me was flipping out!
Dogs sniff each others bums and generally we think this is a bit gross. Dogs also lick their own bottoms. What dogs do not do, as far as I’m aware, is lick another dog’s arse – presumably this is too repulsive even for them!
The TV show which Claire was watching is called Sex Clinic. Remember the programme Embarrassing Bodies? The one where members of the public would go on national television, to ask a celebrity doctor sensitive questions, that they are too ashamed to approach their GP about. Presumably, these people had no issues with the fact millions of viewers were all watching at home, transfixed by their three penises.
Well, Sex Clinic is for those individuals with extremely private medical issues, which they are too fearful of discussing with the doctor on Embarrassing Bodies, as well as their GP.
Either that, or these people believe that by going on television and revealing how they are suffering from a serious case of genital herpes, they’ll become famous themselves and appear on Celebrity Big Brother: Series 3,293, under their new stage name, “Henry Herpes”.
The main part of the show sounded like these media whores were being tested for all manners of sexually transmitted diseases. Normally after behaving like a slut and sleeping with a dozen strangers – this is men and women, before you accuse me of sexism.
The medics* carrying out the tests normally handle the situation in a sensitive manner and are careful when revealing the results.
* I am unclear as to whether these “medics” are medically educated. For all I know, they may be no more qualified to handle such matters than Piers Morgan.
I think that the show could be greatly improved, if the results were revealed in the manner of an X Factor judge, as they tell a contestant if they have managed to get a place at Bootcamp…
MEDIC:
“I have your test results here.”
<long pause>
“We tested you for anal slugs…”
<even longer pause>
“I’m sorry, it’s not good news…”
“… you’re going to have to get to the chemist right away…”
“… and buy some condoms, as you’re going to be having a lot more sex! The results were negative!”
<cue background music – YOU RAISE ME UP, by Westlife>
That would be brilliant.
It’s not just STD tests which the programme covers. The medics give advice too. Although be it on your head if you take it…
I was surprised to hear what a very flamboyant homosexual had to say. This wasn’t the strange thing. The lad explained that he was only attracted to straight men. The reason for this was because gay guys were all too feminine and camp. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Steady on, mate. That level of stereotyping sounds very homophobic to me!
Finally, the show introduced Claire and I to something we both hadn’t heard of before. You will not be surprised to hear that we won’t be experimenting with this new “tip” ourselves.
The programme – amazingly shown on mainstream television – told its viewers all about “pegging”.
When we heard the term, I had no idea what it could be. Claire thought it involved attaching clothes pegs onto your loved one’s body.
Nope, pegging involves a woman strapping a fake willy to her body and stuffing it up her other half’s bum.
Can you see why we WON’T be doing this?
Nothing surprises me anymore and I have told Claire that I would be willing to bet money, that whatever fetish she could imagine – however horrific – it would already exist.
Not that we could ever prove my theory, as it would involve searching for the disgusting act on Google – possibly resulting in a knock on the door from PC Plod.
As of last night, I have issued myself with a self-imposed ban from reading Twitter and watching Sky Sports News.
Yesterday, television, along with social media, experienced their biggest news day to date, where COVID-19 is concerned.
Further cases and deaths continue to be announced, although the breaking news yesterday morning was that the Premier League and Football League will be suspended until April.
Initially craving updates on how the suspension could affect Leeds United’s crucial end to the season, I watched far too much Sky Sports News. This, along with browsing Twitter for more coronavirus updates, clearly had a subconscious effect on me, as my brain suffered information overload.
It was when Somerset Live reported that for the first time, there are now cases local to me, my anxiety levels increased.
I have greater reason than many to be worried about contracting the virus. Due to underlying health conditions, I would be classified “at risk”.
Despite the recent news and my health concerns, I feel that I got a little carried away and became too worried.
I like to consider myself a calm and rational person, so yesterdays panic was somewhat out of character for me. I didn’t like it, but was thankfully able to realise that my worries were too much.
This was when I deleted the Twitter icon from my phone and switched the television channel.
I will use Twitter and watch Sky Sports again. This is far from a lifetime ban. I may even check one or both later today. However, while COVID-19 is as major news as it is, I’ll be doing my upmost to protect my mental state, by rationing my information intake on the subject.
Never have more appropriate words been spoken.
Well done, Mr Klopp – the world’s second best football manager (after Marcelo Bielsa).
I don’t think this is a moment where the thoughts of a football manager should be important, but I understand for our supporters they will want to hear from the team and I will front that.
First and foremost, all of us have to do whatever we can to protect one another. In society I mean. This should be the case all the time in life, but in this moment I think it matters more than ever.
I’ve said before that football always seems the most important of the least important things. Today, football and football matches really aren’t important at all.
Of course, we don’t want to play in front of an empty stadium and we don’t want games or competitions suspended, but if doing so helps one individual stay healthy – just one – we do it no questions asked.
If it’s a choice between football and the good of the wider society, it’s no contest. Really, it isn’t.
Today’s decision and announcement is being implemented with the motive of keeping people safe. Because of that we support it completely. We have seen members of teams we compete against become ill. This virus has shown that being involved in football offers no immunity. To our rival clubs and individuals who are affected and to those who later will become so, you are in our thoughts and prayers.
None of us know in this moment what the final outcome will be, but as a team we have to have belief that the authorities make decisions based on sound judgement and morality.
Yes, I am the manager of this team and club and therefore carry a leadership responsibility with regards to our future on the pitch. But I think in the present moment, with so many people around our city, the region, the country and the world facing anxiety and uncertainty, it would be entirely wrong to speak about anything other than advising people to follow expert advice and look after themselves and each other.
The message from the team to our supporters is only about your well-being. Put your health first. Don’t take any risk. Think about the vulnerable in our society and act where possible with compassion for them.
Please look after yourselves and look out for each other.
You’ll Never Walk Alone,
Jürgen
Even those Bath residents upper class enough to shop at Sainsbury’s, have started wiping their own backsides.
Presumably a bidet doesn’t remove ones poop as effectively as toilet tissue, and with Mabel the Maid off sick with coronavirus, Lord and Lady Muck have to wipe their own bottoms.
See… not one sheet left!
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
