Tomorrow I return to work, after a long term absence, due to sickness. That is why, from this day forward, 16th October will forever be known as “Return To Work Eve”. Please add this. to your calendars and diaries.

During my time off a number of things happened to me. Some of these things may be classed as “events”, others even “achievements”. Most are just “a waste of time”.

I’ll let you be the judge of which is which…

1. Went for a ride in an ambulance.
2. Stayed in hospital for almost 3 weeks.
3. Learnt to hate physiotherapists,
4. Came home from hospital and rode the ambulance again.
5. Consumed approximately 3,994 tablets.
6. Did the majority of my Christmas shopping.
7. Blogged 75 times.
8. Watched nearly every episode of The US Office*
9. Found out that I’m underweight and need to get eating.
10. Ate approximately 10kg of ice lollies and Slush Puppies.
11. Discovered that Calippos are not fattening.
12. Paid a vet to remove my pet rabbit’s bo##ocks.
13. Stopped eating meat**
14. Played a part in the demise of 3 spiders.
15. Discovered DVDs and YouTube videos of a very geeky subject – Train Driver’s-View Cab Rides.***
16. Found that somebody, something or (most likely) me, killed my blog.
17. Resurrected my blog.
18. Watched England win a penalty shootout, from a hospital bed, on my mobile phone, with headphones.
19. Paid for a Royal Wedding.
20. Got far too hot in a heatwave.
21. Bought a fan,
22. Used the fan in hospital, without it being PAT Tested (naughty, naughty).
23. Received a ‘Like’ from Ricky Gervais for a tweet which I made.
24. Saw a rat in my garden.
25. Rented 62 DVDs and BluRays from Cinema Paradiso ****
26. Tweeted 127 times.
27. Found out that Quorn Tikka Massala has the tastiest sauce ever.
28. Ordered a takeaway from Deliveroo for the first time ever.
29. Won £100 on a scratch card. *****
30. Bought the most embarrassing shirt ever. I love it.
31. Spent over £150 on stickers.
32. Had a haircut.
33. Watched some God-awful film about a shark.
34. Created a veggie-friendly Big Mac.
35. Watched 1,000 episodes of ‘Keeping Up Appearances’, with Claire. ******

* I gave up early into the final season. The show lost nearly all its humour after Steve Carell left.

** Contrary to rumours, I did not consume any of Roman’s manhood (See pt.12), leading me to vegetarianism. The vet didn’t even offer me any.

*** Can you tell that by this point, I was getting desperate to get back to work?

**** 31 of these discs were Claire’s….
Can you guess who picked what, from “Raggy Dolls” and “Jack Reacher”?
You’re all wrong – I ordered Raggy Dolls!

***** Technically this was Claire’s card, but we always split our winnings.

****** It certainly felt like 1,000. I know the Mrs. Fortescue episode word-for-word.