I may have only juat returned work, following a 5 month absence, but I am already plotting a way to get away early…*

The video game, Red Dead Redemption 2, is out today and I can’t wait to play it. The last time I was this excited about a game’s release date was Grand Theft Auto 4. I went to Asda to collect it at midnight. The only reason that I am not doing the same with RDR2, is because… I am now married, I now have a life, I now enjoy sleep and I am now no longer a virgin.

Just to emphasise just how excited I am about the game – I pre ordered it from Amazon in 2016. All those nerds who queued in Asda last night are now saying that I have “out-geeked” them – and they would be right.

The prized game will no doubt arrive while I am at work. It’ll be a long wait until 4.30pm, when I finish for the weekend.

I therefore need an lie, I mean EXCUSE, so that I can leave the office early…

• Tell everyone that I have to attend a clinic for genital warts.
• Make up an elderly relative who I am very close to, just never mentioned. Then say that they’ve unexpectedly died.
• Say that I am needed in an emergency, in my second job – a male prostitute.
• If the above fails, actually soil myself.
• My mate Tommy Robinson needs me to be his character witness in court.
• The “second job” excuse again. This time, a dog sperm collector.
• My rabbit has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
• My neighbour’s dog has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
• I have a rash all over my body and need to go to the vets this afternoon.
• I had relations last night and need to collect a morning after pill.
• My cryogenic freezer is going to be delivered today.
• I am getting married this afternoon.
• I am in court for bigamy this afternoon.
• I’ve left the gas on.
• I’ve left the electric fire on.
• I’ve left the freezer on.
• I kneed 2 go 2 a klass 2 inprove mi Inglish
• My head hurts.
• My hair hurts.
• My toe nails hurt.
• My horse needs to be taken to some water and made to drink.
• I am on the run and have a $10,000 bounty on my head.**
• I need to collect my sedation pills.
• I really need to collect my sedation pills.
• I F***ING NEED MY F***ING PILLS, RIGHT F***ING NOW.
• I am going to win the lottery tomorrow and need to collect my winnings.
• I have a trial at Liverpool.
• I’m on trial in Liverpool.
• My grandmother needs me now. She wants me to show her how to suck eggs.

* in case any of my colleagues are reading this, firstly GET BACK TO WORK! Secondly, of course I’m not really planning on ways to bunk off early! I’m far too gutless for that.