Some people say that our dreams have deep meanings, relating things we are unaware of. The only meaning behind my dreams are that I am bloody mad – especially after Saturday night…

I was forced to wake Claire up. It was about 3am on Sunday morning. My decision to awaken my wife at this time was not taken lightly, especially as she had to get up for work in under 3 hours.

A strap from my BiPap facemask had come off. I must wear this mask every night, to keep me breathing nicely. Reattaching the strap is difficult enough at the best of times, let alone when it’s pitch black and I am unable to see what I am doing. Claire, being the kind wife that she is, fixed the mask, despite being in a daze herself, before immediately returning to sleep – there wasn’t even time to thank or say that I love her.

Not exactly this type of face mask

The strap had become detached because of me. I had ripped it off. In my defence, I was asleep at the time, with the mishap occurring as a result of a dream.

I had spent much of Saturday watching Amazon Prime Video on our Smart TV. In case you were wondering, that really happened – we’ve not reached the bit about my dream yet.

A six-part documentary about Leeds United had been released the previous day and with Claire working all weekend, I was keen to have one of those ‘series binges’ so many people go on about, as if it is an achievement and something to be proud of.

It wasn’t that long ago, that if you were to sit down for six hours, watching back-to-back episodes of a television series, you would be called a ‘couch potato’, or worse, a ‘fat, lazy shit’

Anyway, I must have over indulged a little too much, as it affected my dreams! No, I didn’t dream about Leeds United’s failure last season (the basis of the documentary). That would have resulted in me removing my eye balls from their sockets, never mind a facemask strap.

I dreamt that I was setting up the Amazon Prime app on my Smart TV. See – I told you that my dreams mean that I am mentally unstable! Instead of using a television remote control, to enter a username and password, like in real life, I had to turn a plastic knob, very similar to the one attached to our central heating boiler. See – totally off my trolley!

This must have been a very realistic dream, as I clearly had a need to turn a real-life knob. Obviously I don’t sleep with the such a tool next to the bed, so in my wakeless state, I clearly reached for whatever was close to hand.

It just so happens that, in our bed, the thing which most resembles a knob is a clip, attached to a strap on my BiPap mask.

This is what led me to turning the clip until… guess what? If you said that I started dreaming that I was watching Amazon Prime Video, you’re an idiot. What obviously happened, was half the mask became detached from my head, resulting in a strange noise, filtered air blowing into my eyes and a lot of confusion on my part. Oh, and I woke up.

I actually have history of this kind of behaviour. Many years ago, I dreamt that I was on a canal boat. I took a holiday on one in August 2005 (if you’re interested, there are many blog posts from that time!). In my dream, I was steering the boat, when it became out of control.

I panicked and tried to force the break to work. Instead of forcing a break lever, I was pushing and pulling against a table football set, under the bed. The table must have been relatively cheap, as it was made from chipboard. As a result, one side of the table snapped off.

I woke up, the canal boat was saved and didn’t get damaged, but a previously working table football set did. I guess this latest episode of ‘sleep madness’ went rather well by comparison. Nothing was broken, apart from the sleep of Claire and me.

I’ve already told you what happened next. My wife saved the day. I then went back to sleep for the rest of the night, but not before jotting down what had happened, as I knew I would otherwise forget.

See, even in the middle of the night, I was thinking about what would make a good blog post. I’m so good to you!