What a shit day yesterday.

It all started in the morning when I turned on my PC and was greeted by the sound that all computer owners fear – BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! A sure sign that the RAM has died. I had to perform surgery…

I placed the PC on my desk, which had doubled up as an operating table and begun making incisions (unscrewing the chassis).

Once entering the body of the computer, I removed a stick of RAM before resuscitating the patient (rebooting the PC). All appeared OK, so I placed the faulty RAM back in the machine and rebooted – the beeping returned. I could safely say that the fault was memory related. The offending RAM has now been removed and eaten.

The whole operation was straightforward and not too dissimilar from performing surgery on a human. Let me explain…

• Joe Bloggs complains of a painful kidney.
• Cut him open, remove Kidney #1.
• Wake him up. Ask if it still hurts.
• If no, put him back to sleep and put Kidney #1 back in.
• Wake him up again. Ask if it hurts.
• If yes, you know the problem is Kidney #1. You can then remove it again.
• If he fails to wake up at all, you’ve taken out the working kidney and killed him.
• A law suite will probably follow.
• Sell the working kidney on the black market to cover legal costs.
• Luckily a PC is a little more forgiving than Mrs. Joe Bloggs.

Anyway, I’ll move on, the shit day continued when I listened to Leeds United play Barnsley in a relegation battle. Leeds were 2-1 up at half time and cruising, I honestly thought it was going to be a 4-1 win for The Whites. At 5pm I was left fuming. Barnsley 3-2 Leeds. Rubbish.

The players are a waste of space – overpaid, overweight, overhyped wankers, every single one of them. In my disgust I have removed the framed, signed Leeds shirt from my wall. I love Leeds United and still have various pieces of memorabilia hung around then room. The current squad of players however don’t represent Leeds. I hate them.

If anyone wants to buy a large photo frame, please let me know. I can also throw in a XXL Leeds United replica kit. It has been damaged by a marker pen, but that should wash out.

They say lightning never strike twice, well it struck three times yesterday… Following my PC problem and the disappointment of Leeds losing, I thought I would at least enjoy my evening.

Watkins and I went to Nandos followed by a pint in the pub. We picked up Simon from Sainsbury’s and drove back to my flat where we would watch Peep Show. It had been an enjoyable evening, the DVD was coming towards the end, there was talk of calling it a night and that’s when things went bad…

Everybody knows that Simon likes the odd drop of red wine. Red wine can in fact have a lot of health benefits in moderation. Simon however, bought a whole vat of the stuff. This caused an accident…

It was around 11’oclock when Simon did the bad thing. Maybe it was because the room was dark. Maybe he did it on purpose because I had been making derogatory comments towards Arsenal. I personally think it was a coordination issue. After all he had just consumed half a silo of red wine at 12%.

Whatever the reason, somehow a pint of dark, red, red wine ended up being spilt all over my carpet. I jumped up, terrified at the thought of losing the £350 deposit on my flat. Simon also spring to life, terrified at the thought of losing some of his precious nectar…

Me: “Quick! Soak it up!”
Simon: “Have you got any white wine?”
Me: “This is no time to be drinking Mr. Goater!”
Simon: “No, to counteract the red”
Me: “I’m sorry, I’m all out in the basement. It was a very poor summer on the vineyard!”
Watkins: “Try using Lynx deodorant”
Me: “Fuck off! I don’t smell. I showered today!”
Watkins: “No, on the stain, it’s high in alcohol!”

Surprisingly, Lynx worked very well indeed. Simon and I both became high off the aerosol fumes (nothing to do with all the wine and Carling which had been consumed) and had to sit by the open window to calm down.

This morning there is a wet patch by my bed. It has a slight hint of pink about it. It looks like somebody has been stabbed or a woman forgot to use a sanitary towel. Hopefully it’ll merge with the already dirty carpet in time and whenever I do move out, I’ll be able to reclaim my deposit. The only problem now is that my room stinks like a cross between a Meth drinker’s house and the cosmetics department in Boots.

And that was my shit day over. As the saying goes “there’s always somebody worse off than you”. That is indeed true…

In my rage, I stabbed Simon for staining my carpet with wine.
I stabbed him again for staining my carpet with blood.