Well it’s Friday and the weekend tomorrow. To most people it’s two days of rest, recreation and doing nothing. To people who work Saturday and Sunday this is a chance to get paid overtime but still begrudgingly work, secretly jealous of 90% of the country who are doing bugger all. To the unemployed it’s just another day of doing bugger all.

I’m one of the 90% off for the next two days so being in a good mood will post these jokes someone e-mailed me earlier today – enjoy.

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A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears and begins to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet” He struggles again to ask, nurse, are my testicles black?”

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and say’s, “there’s nothing wrong with them!”

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies,” that was very nice thank you but, are… my… test…results…back

—–

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said. ” Don ‘ t you know

who I am? “

The man replied, ” Yep, sure do. ”

“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.

“Nope, sure ain’t. ” said the man.

“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word? ” asked Satan.

“Don’t doubt it for a minute, ” returned the old man, in an even tone.

“Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?”

“Yep,” was the calm reply.

“And you’re still not afraid?” Asked Satan.

“Nope,” said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me? ”

The man calmly replied,

“Been married to your sister for 48 years!

—–

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected: a half-gallon of milk, a carton of eggs, a carton of orange juice, a head of lettuce, a can of coffee, and a 1 lb. pack of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

“You must be single.” The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict’s intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said “Well, you know what, you’re absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?”

The drunk replied, “Cause you’re ugly!”