I went to Pizza Express this evening, a pleasant Italian restaurant in the centre of Bath. After the meal had been consumed I couldn’t help but overhear the conversation from the opposite table between a party of four and the foreign waitress desperately trying to be helpful yet struggling a little with the situation and language. It was like a scene from Fawlty Towers.
Waitress: “Any drinks or dessert?”
Diner: “We’ll have a coffee and a hot chocolate please”
Waitress: “Just coffee chocolate?”
Diner: “Yes, a coffee and hot chocolate”
Waitress: “I can sprinkle chocolate on the coffee?”
Diner: “No, I would like a cup of coffee and a cup of chocolate?”
Waitress: “We have no chocolate”
Diner: “OK, just two coffees then”
Waitress: “So no chocolate on the coffee?”
Diner: “You said you don’t have any chocolate!”
Waitress: “No chocolate. I can sprinkle some on coffee”
All that is just a trimmed down version of the whole conversation. Bless the waitress though, she did try. When she came over to us I was tempted to totally confuse her by asking “Can I order a chocolate pizza?” This would probably have sent the poor dear off her trolley though, resulting in a Mars Bar Margarita, a Pepperoni Espresso and a crying foreign waitress.
Anyone see the squirrel on the pitch during Arsenal’s 1-0 win over Villarreal this evening? When the furry fellow was asked to explain his actions he replied “I only came because I heard there would be nutmeg”.
I’m so, so sorry!!! That sad little excuse for humour was taken straight out of the book “1001 Football Jokes by Nick Hancock”.
Never mind squirrels, Leeds United have seen countless numbers donkeys on the pitch over the years. Michael Ricketts, Jermaine Wright, Paul Okon, Jacob Burns….
Well Bath lost 2-0. This was the first time the team I went support has been defeated. By all accounts City did not play well although I haven’t seen any other non-league games to compare it to. I had an enjoyable time though.
The atmosphere was very good, there was well over 2,000 fans which for a club of Bath City’s size is a huge amount.
The referee and linesmen had terrible games, sending a City player off early on and making awful, inconsistent decisions. The crowd certainly let the officials know what they felt of them.
Chippenham had a rather tubby goalkeeper who loved to stir the shit, every time the referee stopped the game the fat bastard was up there, spouting in the referee’s ear. Needless to say the keeper was subject to chants of “Who ate all the pies?”, “Yooooou fat bastard!” and “Get back in your cage!”
Non-league football is so much different from the professional game. The style of play is far more aggressive, the players are not afraid to get into a scrap. They are also a lot harder. When they go down injured it’s because they’re generally hurt. You get a lot less diving, Chelsea’s Didier Drogba wouldn’t last five minutes.
There are no more home league games this season although Bath will be in the play offs and will play a leg at Twerton Park. Unless it clashes with a Leeds game I will certainly aim to attend.
This afternoon I am planning on going to Twerton Park Football Ground, the home of my local non-league team Bath City. A friend of mine in The Bell last night persuaded me to go.
Bath City are currently in The Southern Premier Division (AKA The Dr. Martins League), six divisions below The Premiership (see here for the full football league pyramid) but this season they have been doing very well. At the moment Bath sit 2nd in the league, with 3 games to go.
The game today is, by all accounts a massive one. Promotion chasing Chippenham Town are coming to Bath, It’s a battle of two counties. Somerset v Wiltshire. This is the Dr. Martins League equivalent of Arsenal vs. Manchester United. Apparently there could be an attendance of anything up to 500!! Wow! :o)
Having never been to a non-league game before I don’t really know what to expect. I know a lot of it is standing, which any true football fan will agree is a positive. Do they sell pies and if so are they edible? What songs do they sing? My friend and I were pre-empting some of the songs and chants we may here, here’s a handful derived from “bigger football clubs”.
We’re Bath City,
Bath City F.C.
We’re the greatest team in The Southern League Premier Division
The West has ever seen
Doesn’t really have the same ring to it does it?
Are you Team Bath?
Are you Team Bath?
Are you Team Bath in disguise?
Are you Team Bath in disguise?
For those of you not in the know, Team Bath are a local University team also in The Dr. Martins League.
Nationwide Conference South?
You’re having a laugh!
Nationwide Conference South?
You’re having a laugh!
The Nationwide Conference South is the division which both Bath and Chippenham hope to be promoted to.
You’re just a small town in Marshfield!
You’re just a small town in Marshfield!
Marshfield being a village just outside of Chippenham
And finally if things get nasty…
You’re going in home in an Avon and West Wiltshire NHS ambulance
I am very badly burnt. OK, maybe that’s an exaggeration, I am slightly scalded. Went to The Bell pub this evening, a venue which although almost 3 miles away from my flat is fast becoming my local watering hole.
After a couple of pints nature called and it was time to use the facilities. Once I had relived myself it was time to wash my hands, I know a lot of people don’t bother, especially in pubs but I have been brought up properly.
I dispensed soap onto hands, looked for tap. There as no handle for it. The tap was one of these new, modern ones with a sensor meaning all you need to do is stick your hands underneath to release water. I did that, fuck me it was hot! Due to the absence of tap handle there was no temperature control!
This presented a major dilemma. My hands were covered in sticky soap which was fast drying out my soft, youth-like skin and causing severe discomfort. I had to get the soap off, but what with? I was all out of piss and didn’t fancy rinsing my hands off in the toilet bowl, especially as there were the remains of a Mr. Hankey floating on the surface. I had no choice. I had to take the pain and wash my hands with very hot water.
I stuck my right hand under the tap. It burnt. I could only keep it under for a few seconds. I quickly pulled away my throbbing, red, soap lathered hand in agony and thrust my left hand under the tap. The pain was just as bad and that hand had to be removed also.
This was getting ridiculous, I couldn’t stay in this toilet forever, besides which I had a pint waiting and a taxi coming for me. I grit my teeth and stuck both my hands under the blistering water dispenser, sweat beads leaking from my brow, tears in my eyes. After seconds which seemed like hours it was all over. My hands, red and sore were free of soap. It was over.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
