Big Brother is back. I don’t know which series they’re up to now, is it the 78th? It certainly feels like that.

The show is like a one legged woman hopping down the high street. You know that you shouldn’t watch but you can’t help but take a look.

I must admit I have watched every series, even though I haven’t always made it to the end. Normally I find that by the final week any character with a shred of decency and entertainment has been kicked out so that some high pitched, annoying, hair dresser can win.

This grassman in the BB house will probably have more personality than most of the contestants

I don’t know who will be surrendering their dignity and entering the house tonight, however I do hear that some of the tabloid papers have leaked details of the contestants, although not being a masochist I avoid The Sun and News of the World.

You can almost predict which fools will enter the house tonight though…

They’ll be a man, who will boast that he is the biggest bitch anybody has ever seen. He will say that he doesn’t give a fuck what people say to or think of him. This contestant is normally brought to a blubbering wreck when a housemate he secretly fancies ignores him and cops off with the fit blonde.

There’s always some fit, tall blonde. She’ll promise to get her tits out but when inside the house will remain more covered up than a Nun in a straightjacket. One night she’ll get steaming drunk after consuming two glasses of wine, strip off in the rain and stick a banana in every hole available. She’ll then regret the whole thing in the morning (and for the rest of her life).

There’s always a 55 year old accountant who only really went on the show so that he could “learn about the youth of today” and “teach Britain’s future a thing or two about class and decency”. He’ll end up going to bed at 7pm and weeping in the Diary Room.

Other predictable guesses for housemates include…

– An asylum seeker
– A university lecturer who hates asylum seekers
– A lager lout who promises (in his own words) to “bone all da birds” and make the house wild.
– An overly-camp hairdresser
– A stripper
– An admin assistant
– A homosexual
– Somebody who hates homosexuals and wants them all shot.

We’ll wait and see, I bet most of my guesses are correct!