Sometimes I wish I could go into the Big Brother house. Not as a contestant, I respect myself too much for that, besides which I don’t think I could mentally take the madness.

No, I would like to go in and introduce some sense into the house. For the last few days we have had morons moaning about bottled water, missing suitcases, makeup remover and how the rules are unfair. They mope around the house crying and threatening to walk if their demands are not met.

If I was in the house and some wet blanket started crying to me about wanting to leave, instead of giving sympathy like the other housemates have done, I would pack their bags, open the door and kick them up the stairs.

I can’t be doing with these whinge bags who just moan and moan about fuck all, especially when there are so many real problems in the world. You don’t like tap water Nikki? Go and drink what they have to put up with in Ethiopian. Bitch.

Then we had Dawn, cheating cow communicating with the outside world. When being told by BB what she had done wrong, instead of sitting down and listening like a good little girl, she hid from the camera and spouted “shut up” repeatedly. No Dawn, you shut up you fat slag! You broke the rules, the whole world isn’t out to get you and “bring you down”, accept it, now leave through the backdoor and never appear on television again.

That Richard is coming across as one of the most despicable humans beings you could possible meet. His treatment of Shabaz was horrible, his sly comments are malicious. The man behaves like a bitching school girl and dresses like somebody from The Village People. Really hope he gets a round of boos when he gets evicted. A round of boos and then falls down the stairs.

All these housemates are worrying how the evil media will portray them. I know the papers can be cruel but anything nasty written about this current lot is fully deserved. They’re all a bunch of annoying twats. Annoying twats I will continue to watch every night at 9 on Channel 4.