Like many people on Bank Holiday weekends I went to a Garden Centre this afternoon. Not to buy spades, plants and horse shit to spray on the garden, I bought a fish tank for my bedroom.

I have been thinking of getting an aquarium for some time, I find watching fish swimming around meaninglessly in a tank relaxing. It’s also a little bit like watching Big Brother, only with more intelligent life forms.

I bought one of these starter packs which comes with a light, pump and everything else you need to keep your fish healthy. I also bought some fishy toys – fake coral, plastic weeds and all the usual stuff. It’s like buying for a new born baby.

The woman who served me was very helpful and was issuing me with all instructions on the DOs and DON’Ts on fish keeping.

DO feed your fish
DO replace the dirty water every week
DON’T pour Carling into the tank
DON’T take your fish our of the water

It’s a lot to remember, I was also told that if the fish is lying flat on the surface of the water it does not want you to rub its belly like a dog, it is probably dead and will need to be flushed.

As I currently have no fish in the tank I drew one in. It looks like an ol TV set.

I actually haven’t got any fish in the tank yet. I was told to wait two weeks for the chlorine to be taken out of the tap water and for the friendly bacteria to build up. I wonder if this “friendly bacteria” is anything like the stuff health experts keep saying we should all be getting more of. I could tip a bottle of that Actimel Yoghurt Drink into the water send see if that helps… maybe not.

While I was in the fish shop I overheard a conversation between a customer and shop assistant. The customer was explaining how he was moving house on Monday, had a massive tank with expensive fish at home. The tank was too heavy to move filled with water and what should he do?

To the customers dismay the shop assistant explained that if these fish were placed straight into tap water they would be killed. Due to the size of the aquarium it was recommended that the tank be left for TWO MONTHS before placing fishes inside. Ouch!

Just get a dog, cat or even adopt a child. Easier to look after than damn fish.

More on this in two weeks time when I go and choose which fish shall enter my aquarium, or as some may call it Tank of Death.