I’m off to see Jimmy Carr at The Pavillion in Bath this evening. I’m a big fan of his and am really looking forward to it.
One thing anybody who has seen him live or watched one of the DVDs will know is that a lot of his act involves taking the piss out of the audience and humiliating them to the extent of suicide.
In order to avoid being picked on by Jimmy, I believe precautions must be taken…
- Avoid the first four rows if at all possible (although as you are allocated a seat based upon your ticket, this is generally unavoidable)
- Do not drink heavily beforehand. The worst thing you can do is get up in the middle of his act to go for a piss – red rag to a bull
- Don’t dress like a tramp
- At the same time don’t overdress or wear strange, exotic items of clothing
- If you’re foreign, very old or very young, don’t even think about going
If he does pick on you, here’s what to do…
- Try and think up some witty comeback, but don’t make yourself look like a twat
- Pass the buck onto the poor sod sitting next to you
- If all else fails, call Jimmy a cunt and tell him to fuck off
I have packed/boxed/dissembled nearly all my possessions ahead of my flat move on Saturday. I can’t believe how many fucking boxes I have packed with DVDs, books, clothes and general shite.
Even my furniture is gone. It has either flat packed for reassemble or taken away by the council to be dumped into a landfill site somewhere in South America. I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor, all very student/tramp like.
Still, this time in two days I’ll be in a new crib – surrounded by my HiFi and widescreen TV, living in up like a wealthy rapper or footballer. I’ll be able to use both the kitchen and toilet without smelling and viewing the remains of the previous user. Best of all, I can take a shit with the bathroom door open – get in!
My boxes are even spilling out into the front room
The media centre may have been taken to bits, but the TV is still connected – priorities you see
My pet fish. My soiled shit rags are in the bin bags awaiting a wash
My flatmate nearly burnt the house down this evening. Normally I would be bothered and a little scared for my life, living with a pyromaniac, but as I am moving out on Saturday, I couldn’t care less.
I discovered the soon-to-be fire. I was in my bedroom when I smelt burning. Not living with any chefs, I thought somebody was just cooking, and dismissed the signs of danger drifting through my nasal cavity for poor culinary skills. It was later on that evening, when I went to cook my own dinner (Birds Eye chicken burgers and spicy wedges), that I noticed the pan on the stove, burnt black and heavily radiating.
Upon lifting the pan from the stove, the whole kitchen filled with smoke. The smoke alarm didn’t go off, a tad worrying, but I’ll probably be long gone when a serious fire does break out. I then plunged the pan into cold water, causing the smoke filled room to turn into a steam filled room.
The pan is now fucked – burnt black. Again, if it was my pan or I was staying long enough to use it , I would be rather pissed off, but I’m moving out on Saturday. Hahaha.
By the way, while all this was happening, my flatmate who originally put the pan on the stove, was chatting on the telephone – typical. And yes, before you ask, that particular housemate is a girl.
Like every true football fan outside of Devon, I will be wishing Lille the very best of luck against Manchester United this evening. The media have already got the knives out, the BBC calling Lille “the minnows” – the same “minnows” that beat the scum last season. What’s the betting, if Lille manage to pull of a similar feat tonight, the BBC will be kissing the arse of the Lille players and manager?
Another reason for me to be supporting Lille is that as a city, they are twinned with Leeds – they home of The Mighty Whites. So, if Lille do beat the scum, it’s a little bit like Leeds beating them.
As we all know, this millennium, Manchester United have not performed too well in Europe. Most notably, crashing out of the group stages against Benfica last season (Hahaha). If anybody wants to relive that wonderful European night, you can download the original commentary mix I made here. Great days.
As well as wishing Lille “good luck”, my support goes out to Leeds United who play QPR this evening and Bath City who are up against Rugby Town. If Halesowen can beat Kings Lyn, Sheffield Wednesday beat Luton, Palace beat Southend, and Barnsley & Hull draw, I’ll be a very happy chappy. It’s not much to ask, is it?
Here’s a lesson for Arsenal Football Club on how to a take a penalty, courtesy of Bath City’s Lewis Hogg. [Download here, Mr. Wenger]
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
