It has been less than two months since the debacle that was England’s World Cup campaign. I am still very bitter about the whole thing and have taken all the players off my Christmas card list, as well as deleting every single one of them from my friends on Facebook. I hear John Terry was most upset by this, although Ashley Cole apparently liked it.

As I am so disheartened by my national team, why then, did I spend Tuesday night watching players representing England at football? No, I didn’t go to boo and chuck rotten vegetables at the players – decaying cucumbers hold more value than Wayne Rooney, so it would be a waste of good pig food.

My evening involved a trip to Ashton Gate to watch the England Under 21’s – not the team of failures that caused 10,000 suicides in June. The ‘England Babbies’ may play for big name clubs, but unlike their senior counterparts, are yet to be poisoned by money, self-admiration and Wayne Bridge’s ex. The only contact the Under 21’s may have had with the former Mrs. Bridge, is if she was breast feeding them as infants.

The Rugrats took on the mighty force of Uzbekistan, who also put out their Kindergarten team. Uzbekistan is one of those countries I have never really heard of before and am not too sure actually exists. I originally thought it was made up by Borat, who being a proud resident of Kazakhstan, hates the whole Uzbekistan nation.

England ended up beating the kids from the country invented by Sacha Baron Cohen – the Uzbeks making the million mile trip back home, taking their ball with them.

The England senior team, now sponsored by Merseyside refuse collectors ‘Wirral Rubbish’, played the following day at Wembley. Needless to say, I was doing something far more enjoyable than watching the match – cleaning my eyeballs out with Cillit Bang, if I remember correctly.