I like to watch some of the reality TV shows which currently grace our television screens. I primarily do this to stay ‘down wit da kids’. For those of you who are too ‘old’ or ‘square’ to understand this term, it means ‘for one partake in an activity commonly popular with the younger generation’.

One of the reality TV shows on at the moment is I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here. Kind of a misleading title, as the contestants can hardly be classed as celebrities. In fact, when the Tesco Metro was opened in the local village, the community policeman was picked to unveil the shop over 2008’s I’m A Celebrity contestant Brian Paddick (allegedly).

Still, like in previous years, I have been sucked into the crazed overhyped mayhem of the TV series. Mainly as that annoying Scottish bint, Gillian McKeith is taking part. You’ll know who she is. She’s the irritating, sour faced stick insect who sniffs fat people’s excrement and piles their annual intake of crisps, sausage rolls on Mars Bars onto their living room table, forcing them to cry. If I saw that mountain of food, I wouldn’t cry, I would tuck in.

Since entering the Aussie jungle, McKeith has been the most pathetic thing ever to grace the TV screens. She is a disgrace to Scotland. Forget that, she is a disgrace to females across the world. Even that’s not enough – she’s a disgrace to humanity.

Her three days in the jungle, she has screamed, cried and shrieked her way through various challenges, before making some startling revelations including veganism, a fear of heights and best of all a phobia of insects. Has she never seen an episode of I’m A Celebrity before? It’s ok though, folks. McKeith has reassured as all, she is not afraid of the dark. If tomorrow’s challenge is to ‘go to bed with the light off’, she’ll win.

That said, I hope she stays in the series until the end and is forced to undertake ever single Bushtucker Challenge. This is probably incredibly cruel, but the thought of her being drowned in spiders, force fed crocodile genital and cuddling up to rats makes me laugh.

Would I be able to do it? Absolutely not! BUT, would I enter a show where it is common knowledge you will encounter all manners of creepy crawlies? No way! So why did the Scottish stick insect do it? Answer: £££££. You want paying, McKeith? Chew that crocodile cock! I know this kind of makes her sound like some kind of prostitute speciaising in bestiality. This was not intended.

In other reality TV news… please, please, please let Wagner win The X Factor. I hardly watch the show now the hilarious auditions have finished, but this bloke seems to be annoying the die hard fans and I would love him to win. I may even buy the single if he finishes victorious.