One of my fish isn’t very well. I have had it over four years now and in its old age, it is starting to swim upside down. When I first saw this peculiar behaviour, I did expect to come downstairs the next morning to see it had stopped swimming altogether and find it floating on the water’s surface; but a week has passed and it is still acting strange and weirdly enough, eating, chasing other fish and generally doing what fish do… forgetting things, pretending to be Jaws and counting it’s fingers.

I did some research on the internet into what causes fish to swim upside down and found out that that it may be constipated. I did think of emptying a box of All-Bran into the tank, but thought better of it. Apparently, to cure fish constipation, I need to starve the fish for 48 hours and then feed it a pea. I had to read the instructions carefully and check it definitely did not say ‘feed the fish pee’ – I did think urinating into the water was not a sensible idea. Yes, I need to give it the inside of a green pea from the freezer – freshly packed by Captain Birdseye himself.

As there are other fish in the tank, asking the poorly fish not to eat for two days, while its friends gorge on delicious flakes, may be a little tricky, but I’ll see what I can do.

The sad and rather worrying news I read on Yahoo Answers (the hub of all knowledge) is that if the fish is not constipated it is probably not long for this world and will be dead soon.

I bought all my fish during the 2006 World Cup and named them after members of the England squad. Unfortunately, as they all look the same, I can’t remember which one is which, but giving its recent ailments and poor health, I think it would be rather fitting if the fish is the one I named Michael Owen.