GATESHEAD
Bath City played Gateshead on Saturday. Like when City travelled abroad to Newport, this too was like an international fixture. Some people may be picky and argue that Gateshead is in England, but I am sure anyone south of Sunderland will agree that it is in fact so far north, it can be classed as Scotland.

Seeing as Bath City won 1-0, the trip to Zummerzet was a waste of time for the Geordies… I mean Mackems… I mean – what do you call people from Gateshead? I went to a party on Saturday night. Even though I got back just after midnight (just like Cinderella), I suspect I was still home before the away fans.

Still, they’re having the last laugh as Bath City are playing them tonight in Scotland (well, Gateshead). As I blog, its half time and City are 1-0 down. I have no idea what’s happening as the radio commentary is broken (or on a delay, due to the fact it’s coming from a different time zone).

One thing’s for sure, if they’re struggling, the home team can always count on Gazza to turn up with a fishing rod and a bucket of KFC, spurring them onto victory.

Howay The Romans! Or something. I don’t speak Scottish.

FIRE ALARMS
One of my greatest fears is the fire alarm in my flat going off and not being able to be turned off. It happened before during a night of terror and frustration, resulting in various firemen coming round to help. I say help, as I recall, they looked at the fire alarm, and made some totally unhelpful comment about it not working. The landlord came out in the end to turn the blasted thing off.

Tonight the fire alarm went off again. I didn’t set it off this time – I have learnt from my mistakes and know that I should smoke my crack pipe outside the flat. It was a neighbour who committed the crime.

My wildest nightmares were confirmed when the stupid box which controls the fire alarm system, refused to silence the damn thing. Cue lots of swearing, pacing around in a bad mood and pleading into the landlord’s answer phone to come to our aid.

I hate the alarm. It was so horrible, as I headed for the front door to get some peace and quite by the main road, I saw a large spider joining me in dashing for the exit. I guess they hate fire alarms too.

Eventually we got a response from the landlord and a nice lady turned up and fixed the problem. By ‘fixed’, she removed the fuse and unplugged the battery pack from the alarm system. Therefore we are without an alarm this evening. If anyone wants me dead, tonight’s the night to throw a firework through the front door – I’ll die in my bed.