Jaws
A few weeks ago, I noticed to my extreme excitement that Jaws was being re-released at the cinema. Jaws is my favourite film of all time. Sharks are cool and any film which involves a child being eaten alive in a brutal, gory death is always worth watching at least 50 times. Jaws was originally released in 1975, meaning I was born too late to see it at the cinema. Sadly, I also missed out on Manchester United being relegated the year before, not to mention the invention of the food processor.
I managed to persuade John to accompany me to the Showcase, bribing him with pre-movie visit to Nandos. After eating chicken, we went to the cinema, where tickets were purchased along with Ice Blasts. £3.60 each. Three pounds AND sixty pissing pence! It was only a few years ago, John and I would visit Showcase and be able to buy TWO Ice Blasts for a fiver. How things have changed. Bring back Tony Blair and affordable ice drinks.
Despite Jaws being by far the best film being shown in the entire multiplex, it was shamefully relegated to the crap screen at the end of the corridor. The floor was sticky, the room smelt of toilets and everything I moved on my chair, it squeaked. The screen was also very small. I could have just watched the DVD at home and sat close to my telly. I am sure a crap film written by Katie Price, featuring Miley Cyrus and a talking egg was being shown on the bigger, premier screen. Sigh.
So the movie. Without wanting to spoil it for you, it’s about shark. It eats a naked drunk woman. Then it eats a skinny child on a waterbed. Still hungry, Jaws, as I have named the shark, eats a man, but spits out his leg. A policeman, scientist and drunk sailor then go out to sea on small boat to kill the big shark. The drunken sailor gets eaten, no doubt saving on a future liver transplant, before the policeman shoots Jaws, who explodes while munching on an oversized tin of deodorant. You can see why it’s my favourite film ever?
There was a very scary bit in the middle where a head appears from a sinking boat. Having seem Jaws about five thousand times, I knew to the frame that the head as about to appear, yet still jumped out my skin, almost soiling myself in the process. The whole cinema knew I jumped too, as the squeaky chair I was sat on made an extra loud squeak as I bolted upright in fear. Apologies to my fellow cinema-goers for the noise…. and the smell.
England
I was planning on writing this blog on Sunday afternoon, before the quarter final against Italy. In the blog I would praise the effort, commitment and passion shown by the England team. A sharp contrast to the 2010 World Cup, where England players performed so poorly, they made me vomit with rage. The fact Italy dominated the entire match, apart from the first 10 minutes, and eventually won in the most typical of fashions – on a penalty shootout – means this blog is a little irrelevant now. Even so, my feelings towards the national side are a lot more positive and optimistic than they were two years ago.
I think John, who can’t stand football, summed up last night with his text message to me at full time. It read simply “Lolz”.
Crazy Italian
No, this isn’t a racial slur following England’s defeat to the vastly superior Italians last night. This is to celebrate the fact John, Simon and I returned to Bath’s finest pizza takeaway outlet on Saturday night. I say “returned”, I went there last week with Claire. In past weeks, the need was felt, not by myself, but by friends, to visit a nearby competitor. A vastly inferior pizza takeaway restaurant.
So why the “Crazy Italian” heading? Anyone who needs to ask that question clearly has not visited Pizzerella when it’s owner has been present – which is all the time. He’s a great man and a fantastic chef, but his staff must fear him. One piece of pepperoni out of place and he explodes. Passionate, but crazy. A great recipe for a good pizza.
A new member of staff was working in the takeaway. A woman behind the till. She didn’t know how to use the till and had to keep asking for help. My pizza cost £7.10. I will have to check my bank statement to ensure I wasn’t charge £710. I also asked for chilli on my pizza. She didn’t know what chilli was. I pointed to a notice board with the word “Chilli”. She said I would get chilli on my pizza. When I got home and opened the box, there was no chilli.
iPad
Since my last blog, I have acquired an iPad. Since the now late Steve Jobs unleashed the overgrown iPhones upon us all a few years ago, I’ve yearned for one, on the same level as a lion yearns for zebra meat, a fish for water and Alex Ferguson for Jack Daniels. So, being brave (or stupid), I raided my piggy bank (Online Saver account) and made my way to the Apple shop, post-haste.
The Apple Shop is mad. The place is fill of children playing with all the fancy toys out on display, no doubt Googling the latest craze from the playground – Justin Bieber, One Direction and Morgan Freeman.
I looked for somebody who was in change and would be able to sell me an iPad. Mainly so I could get the hell out of the children’s after school club as fast as possible. Lots of adults were dressed in coloured t-shirts, I guessed they were the self-proclaimed “geniuses”. If you’re a real genius, you would be in a laboratory or library – not working in a shop.
I eventually found a genius who appeared delighted to see me. His excitement was so extraordinary, I thought his brains were going to leak from his ears. Despite this, he asked me to wait over by the iPad table for another genius to assist me. While I waited, I changed the wallpaper on all the demo iPads to the Bath City FC logo and left my blog, Sean’s Stories, open for the next person to use the demo iPad to discover.
I was eventually served. A genius tearing himself away from the laboratory, where he had just discovered a cure for AIDS. I was then asked what I would like to buy, what I knew about Apple and if I wanted to kiss the solid gold life-size statue of Steve Jobs in the centre of the store. Every response I gave was greeted by “amazing”. In fact, if I had been given a pound for every time I heard that word during my visit to the shop, I would have had the iPad paid for.
Somebody once told me that iPads are made in a factory in China and everyone that works in the factory wants to kill themselves due to the poor working conditions. If I worked in the Apple Store, I would kill myself. I think it would be awful.
Ill
While you were all enjoying the long, 4 day Jubilee weekend, I was ill. A throat infection. I’m not sure how I contracted it, but it was very painful. Doing what any sensible person would do, I didn’t call the doctor, instead opted to look on the internet for advice. The conclusion – I was either pregnant or had AIDS. I suspect the former. It really hurt though. My throat felt as if I had swallowed a razor blade and washed it down with lemon juice. I was kept alive on a strict diet of chicken soup, custard and many pints of TCP – my flat still stinks of the stuff now, although in a strange way I like the smell. I may use it as an air freshener from now on.
The bank holiday weekend ended and so typically did the shearing pain in my mouth. Therefore I did not take any time off work. The fact I cured myself also meant I did not have to visit the doctors or buy a pregnancy test. I suppose that is a good thing.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
