Dorchester Town 2-1 Bath City
Conference South
Monday 27th August 2012 – 15:00
So, what’s happened in the world of Bath City FC since my last blog? There were two home games at the newly renamed Mayday Trust Park. Five goals scored by Bath City, four of which by our new hero Kurtis Guthrie, a thunderstorm on Saturday and most importantly, six points for The Romans!
Going into Bank Holiday Monday game, away to Dorchester Town, the league table looked very good – the main reason for this being we were top! OK, on goals scored.
While I predicted an 8th place finish (Bath City love finishing 8th) at the start of the season and continue to maintain that is where we’ll end up, the signs are encouraging. Last season, we faced three teams from the Conference South in cup and trophy competitions – Dover Athletic, Chelmsford City and Basingstoke Town. These were good sides who finished in the top 7 at the end of the 2011/12 season. Despite them having strong league campaigns and Bath City having a very disappointing one, City managed to beat all three fairly easily. It just goes to show the difference in class between the two divisions is massive. As we have kept a lot of our players from last year and strengthened in areas where others had left, I believe I have reason to be cautiously optimistic.
It is no secret that manager, Adie Britton, has had to work with a shoestring budget in comparison to many of his managerial counterparts. As he approaches his fourth anniversary as Bath City boss, it is a credit to him that he has achieved so much while spending so little. The comparison has not been made before, but I see Adie as a non-league David Moyes. Proving you can bring success without splashing the cash.
Crickey, I was getting all serious there. Anymore and people would think they were reading an extract from Saturday’s Guardian. I had better quit while I’m ahead and return to normality – the Dorchester trip…
After a scenic journey through the Somerset and Dorset countryside, the Bath City supporters coach arrived at Dorchester’s Avenue Stadium. With no pub or place to drink nearby, the coach-trippers headed straight for the nearby Tesco to do their “big shop” and buy lunch.
One shopping trip later, I sat on the terrace enjoying a Tesco Meal Deal, consisting of an Egg and Cress triple sandwich, a packet of Cool Original Doritos and tropical fruit juice. I know how to dine!
Former Bath City goalkeeper and non-league legend, Jason Matthews, warmed up. His departure from Twerton Park resulted in me being slightly less star-struck than I once was. City reject.
The (former) non-league legend, Jason “City reject” Matthews
At the other end of the pitch, current City players (the real heroes), warmed up by having a penalty shoot out. Kerry Morgan with an impressive chip which would have made Pirlo proud.
The game kicked off and The Legion started the singing, drowning out the home support. The opening song of the afternoon was the ever-popular “Come on you stripes”, although this effort somehow managed to upset certain fans who complained that City were playing in their ‘Leeds United’ yellow and blue away kit, while the home side donned the black and white stripes.
City continued with their form from Saturday’s game by dominating the play and giving their opponents a torrid time on the pitch. It wasn’t long until a free kick was won by City. New striker, Chalie Griffin stepped up and shot past the wall and through the hands of Jason Matthews. A very generous gesture by our former goalkeeper and one we were all very grateful for – so much so, he was thanked by the Bath fans who gave him his very own song – “City reject. City reject. Hello, hello!”
Dorchester have a fairly modern stadium, constructed in 1990. A number of covered terraces surround the ground as well as a main seated stand and open terrace behind one of the goals. During boring moments of matches, supporters can enjoy observing the local wildlife which inhabits the ground – a family of swifts dive that fly along the pitch, with far more grace than any of the players, who more closely resembled Twerton Park’s resident birds – seagulls.
Shopping trolley in football ground. Pure gold for the non-league football blogger.
The goal kicked-stated Dorchester, who began to play (albeit 15 minutes too late). City Reject No.2, Ben Watson, trying a bit too hard, running straight into our goalkeeper Glyn Garner in an attempt to score a goal. The referee blew his whistle like an over-excited child on Christmas morning who had opened his present to find a referees whistle. Thankfully this fuss was to brand Watson a yellow card and award City a free kick. Like many other supporters, I thought a penalty had been awarded. While it wasn’t a spot kick, I felt Watson was hard done by.
The referee continued his general crapness by booking our new hero, Kurtis Guthrie, for a ‘nothing challenge’ . Unlike in his previous two games, our new striker had been somewhat quiet, but the booking made him see red, well yellow, and take some impressive shots at goal. He missed.
Despite creating chances, City were unable to find that illusive second goal. Their efforts being thwarted by a mixture of poor finishing, good defending and Jason Matthew remembering he was playing for Dorchester Town and not Bath City.
As is always the way in football, if you don’t take your chances, you’ll be made to pay. City paid the price, in goal money, when Dorchester equalised. Some away fans shouted offside. Despite being at the other end of the pitch, I could tell there was no problem with the goal whatsoever. Before we could even say “two points dropped”, Dorchester scored again. Bollocks. Just like last season.
Crap match shot
Dorchester could smell blood and it wasn’t the under-cooked burgers coming from the tea bar (I apologise for that awful analogy). It should have been 3-1, but somehow a City defender managed to clear the ball off the line after Glyn Garner went AWOL.
The home fans (finally) found their voice and started singing – stealing our song of “Come on you stripes”. If any Dorchester fans are reading, by the way; yes, my blogs normally are this bias.
While trying to keep the score line respectable, Garner became injured. Thankfully he was able to carry on. I don’t think we had another keeper on the bench and believe all our substitutions had been made (again, first class football journalism here).
The game was dead. Nothing was happening and Dorchester looked happy to keep the scoreline at 2-1 – time to park the bus in the bay, put the handbrake on, take the keys out of the ignition, lock the door and have a fag outside.
So 2-1 was how the game ended. The only remaining events of interest involved Jason Matthews. Firstly lambasting his defence for almost allowing City to score. Secondly at full time, receiving a bit of somewhat unfair stick from the travelling fans. Despite not having the best of seasons with us last year and taking an entire fifteen seconds to take a goal kick (time wasting at its very best), I felt a little sorry for him… only a little.
As we got back onto the coach, the usual rubbish from the usual tosspot supporter from last season started… “They don’t wanna go up, do they!”. No, they don’t. They lost on purpose. Get a grip and shut up.
* these blog titles are not going to get any better. This is the standard, sorry.
Welling United 1-1 Bath City
Conference South
Saturday 18th August 2012 – 15:00
What is the best way to start the new football season? Bearing in mind this is a football season following relegation the previous year. Answer: NOT stuck on a coach, gridlocked on the M25 in temperatures hotter than Africa. That was the price the loyal supporters still following Bath City paid to watch their team at Welling United this weekend. That and £22 coach fare, £10 Supporters Club Membership and £12 admittance to the ground. The spiralling cost of modern day football.
Will miss the photoshoot. Gutted. That’s my season ruined.
When the coach eventually pulled up and parked on the main road outside Welling’s Park View Road ground, there was no time to go hunting for a pub. It was a case of head towards the clubhouse, pray that they selling decent cider and are showing the Leeds game.
Turnstile shot
Alas, there was no Sky Sports or good cider. Just Bulmers. Even Mansfield Town sold Thatcher’s Gold. I reluctantly agreed to have a pint and my mood was slightly raised when I found out it was only £2 a bottle. I supped my lukewarm fake-cider, while sharing a table with a Welling old-boy, who told me of his side’s successful preseason campaign and disappointing play off final defeat to their bitter rivals, Dartford (scum, scum, scum).
No Sky Sports. Cheapskates.
A single team sheet arrived at the bar, to which dozens of supporters crowded around, as if it was the holy-grail, all trying to get their grubby hands on it. There was excitement when Bath City’s new signing, Kurtis Guthrie was listed on the bench. Apparently Guthrie spent some time at Park View Road. When I asked a Welling fan about his performance, the home supporter replied “He moved on”. Yup, we’ve had lots of those at Bath City. Most of those are at Paulton Rovers these days.
City showed off their new yellow and blue kit, while Welling wore their fancy new red shirt. This caused minor confusion amongst many Bath City fans, well me, as Welling’s home shirt looked almost identical to our away strip from last season.
Last season’s condiments, anyone?
The game kicked off and the fans from each side swapped ends, walking past the main stand to get behind the opposition goal and wind up the goalkeeper. Unsegregated grounds. One of the few perks of relegation.
Match shot
Welling started well and forced our goalkeeper, Glyn Garner, to make a save on the line. Luckily for us Bath City fans, Welling’s goalie was not quite as good, as new City signing, Aaron Brown, beat what seemed like every single outfield player, before lobbing the hapless keeper who tipped the ball into his own net. If you doubt my somewhat hazy recollection, the highlights are here.
As the goal was scored, the keeper slumped to the floor and City fans ran from the terraces to console mock the butter-fingered player, who would, for the remainder of the match, be referred to as “dodgy keeper” whenever he went anywhere near the ball.
Bath City defender, Gethin Jones, watches from the sidelines
Towards the end of the first half, a Welling player fell to the ground. Either he had been shot by a nearby sniper, or he wanted a rest. Some fans, clearly very concerned for the player’s wellbeing, sang the Casualty theme tune as a physio ran onto the pitch to treat the stricken patient.
During half time, word got around that Liverpool were losing at West Brom and even more breaking news, Frome Town were beating AFC Totton. Unbelievable, Jeff.
Bath City’s leading goalscorer
The second half was mostly spent watching Welling attack the Bath City goal at the other end of the pitch. It was somewhat reminiscent of last season at times, although admittedly City did appear a lot more organised. Unlike last season, manager Adie Britton made a tactical substitution, in the process changing the formation to “four-four-f**king-two”. Even more incredible was when veteran striker, Charlie Griffin, was substituted for youth team player, Noah Keats. “Impressive, is that” would no doubt be the words of Yoda if he were a Bath City fan.
Not so impressive was our defending when Welling managed to equalise. A scramble in the box after some good attacking play from the home side. Déjà vu, anyone?
The remainder of the game was an onslaught on the City goal. I watched in fear, not really knowing what was going on (due to standing at the opposite end of the pitch), dreading the cheer of the home crowd as the jumped to celebrate a winner.
A Welling reserve player. Not a fans’ favourite. Runs about like a headless chicken.
City did manage to push for a second goal themselves, Guthrie causing his former club a few problems and creating chances that unfortunately no Bath City striker was able to get on the end of.
The game ended 1-1. A fair result, although slightly disappointing considering we were leading at one point.
Heading back to the coach, I was incredibly thirsty. No doubt a combination of standing in the hot sun and drinking fake-cider. A can of ice cold Coca Cola was ordered from the burger van. A woman, dripping with sweat and scrubbing a deep fat fryer looked at me slightly annoyed for having the cheek to buy a drink after the match had finished. She took a pound from me and handed over a tin of Pepsi which felt hotter than a cup of tea. Eugh…
Bath City 1-3 Burnley
Preseason Friendly
Tuesday 31st July 2012 – 19:30
It says a lot about a Bath City’s preseason when the biggest story on the club’s message board has been that of an internet troll causing arguments amongst the fans and even resulting in a new forum being created with the help of yours truly (by the way – the new forum’s called I REALLY Love Bath City – go on, sign up, you know you want to. All new members get a free Parker pen*).
* Pens will be dispatched in the year 2086
Prior to last night’s game against Burnley, I had of course already seen Bath City play this preseason, although that match featured mostly trialists and youth team players, meaning that it didn’t really count as a proper football match. It was more like watching an episode of The Apprentice, with a group of no hopers (trialists) trying to win a contract, working for Lord Adie Britton. Having never watched an episode of The Apprentice in my life, I think that statement is an entirely fair comparison.
To their credit, Burnley fielded a strong side. I know it was a strong side because I recognised some of the names on the team sheet. Charlie Austin – famous worldwide for the goals he scored for Kintbury Rangers and David Edgar – most remembered for getting sent off for Newcastle United on the day the Geordies were relegated at Villa Park (I was there – how I laughed); just two of the big names to grace the hallowed Twerton Park, sorry Mayday Trust Park, turf.
As expected for a team four divisions above you on the football pyramid, Burnley dominated for the majority of the game. The score was kept to a respectable 0-0 for the entire first half. Much credit for the first half clean sheet should go to Bath City goalkeeper, Glyn Garner (I once got locked in his car, don’t you know). Charlie Austin’s hesitation in front of goal also helped keep things goal-less.
Half time came and I became somewhat star struck when Burnley FC and internet legend, Rocky Mills walked right past me. For those of you who have been living under a stone for the past five years, or simply have lives and don’t spend all day on YouTube, Rocky Mills is a mad, angry, elderly Burnley fan. I was tempted to say hello, but was a little scared. The first and quite possibly the last time I have ever been frightened by a pensioner. Besides one old and fierce dinner lady at school.
Bye bye “Premier” banner *sob sob*
Not only did Burnley bring a strong team, but they brought lots of supporters. Hundreds of them. It would be fair to say that us Bath City lot were outnumbered. My thanks go out to them for making the long journey and helping add to our transfer kitty!
The players emerged from the tunnel for the second half followed by an incredibly strong smell of Deep Heat. Such was the stench, I am sure the players had not read the instructions on the tube of cream which state “not to be taken orally” and instead brushed their teeth with it.
Bath City made a number of changes at half time. Manager, Adie Britton, clearly showing off to his managerial counterpart, Eddie Howe, that despite being non-league, we can make some decent substations. Howe responded to Adie’s bragging moments later by substituting his entire team, bar the goalkeeper.
Fun and games were had by all, when following injury to a Burnley player, Bath City’s heroic hard-man, Adie Harris lobbed the Burnley goalkeeper from the restart, scoring in the process. Cue scenes of bat shit celebration, or rather a mixture of bemusement and embarrassment (no doubt rabid fury from Rocky). After laughing it off, Burnley were allowed to equalise by walking the ball into the Bath City net, which our young substitute goalkeeper still tried to save. Naughty boy.
The class and fitness began to show during the remainder of the second half and while Bath City did well, they couldn’t prevent Burnley grabbing a third goal just minutes from fulltime.
The pre-match shot (which means I forgot to take a real match shot)
A pleasing performance, especially considering past preseason encounters against Football League opposition have resulted in heavy defeats to Cardiff City and Cheltenham Town.
As I left the ground and headed to the clubhouse for my first Thatchers Gold of the season, a young child asked his dad if the game had been on TV. So much to learn. Although if a Bath City game were to be televised next season, I would quite happily ram my matchday programme down Clive Tyldesley’s throat (or Mark Lawrenson if it was on BBC).
Odd Down 1-1 Bath City
Preseason Friendly
Saturday 21st July 2012 – 15:00
So, what has been happening at Twerton Park, sorry the Mayday Trust Park, these past three months? Many players have left. Scott Murray retired; hanging up his boots, before picking up everybody else’s after getting a job as the Bristol City kit man. Fans’ favourite Andy Gallinagh joined Conference Premier side, Hereford United; while what seems like half of the remaining Bath City players signed for Chippenham Town – Lee Phillips, Josh Egan and one of my favourite ex-players, Scott Rogers. I was a big fan of Scotty Rogers, not least because he once gave me his Bath City tracksuit. Jamie Cook also departed for Oxford City, although reading his Tweets, I think he would have been happier to stay at home playing PGA Tour Golf on the Sega Megadrive.
Incoming players, include Charlie Griffin – sadly no relation to Peter, but thankfully also no relation to Nick. Charlie is a non-league journeyman and if he scores as many goals for Bath City as he has had football clubs, I’ll be delighted. City also managed to sign Josh Low from Cheltenham Town – famous in my eyes for scoring two against us in preseason last year and also making an appearance on the substitutes bench for his former side Cardiff City, when they famously beat Leeds United in the FA Cup. By far the most exciting signing of all has to be that of Adie Harris. The beast is back! Harris has previously left Bath City and returned 5,216 times throughout his career and the 2012/13 season will see his 5,217th homecoming. A fantastic addition. Weston Super Mare could sign Mario Balotelli now and I would not be at all envious.
The Bath City transfer kitty
Bath City’s first preseason friendly was supposed to have been on Friday night. A home match against Crystal Palace. Last week however, Palace cancelled, having cut short their week in the south west due to poor weather. The fact they managed to get another friendly on that same night against Lewes, is more than a little annoying. Rest assured, I have scribbled down their name onto my list of ‘Football Enemies’, right below “Steve Bratt of Walsall”
Therefore, with Palace chickening out of playing the mighty Romans, our first bit of preseason action was against fellow-Bath side Odd Down, of the Western League. With no coach to the game, we had to make use of public transport to take us to the other side of the city. While often a risky affair, there was little trouble during the ride on the number 14 bus, apart from a grown man dressed in a full Manchester United kit staring at us wearing our Bath City shirts like we were somehow abnormal for supporting our local football side. I was tempted to point out that his shirt was out of date as it had a golden Premier League badge, intended only for champions, but thought better of it. Yes, that’s right – I did a Crystal Palace and chickened out.
Walking from the bus stop, a car pulled up alongside us asking for directions to Odd Down’s ground. It was our very own goalkeeper, Glyn Garner. Squeezing into the back of his car, alongside a baby seat and the largest kit bag in the word, we attempted to direct him to the Lew Hill Memorial Ground. After some very poor directions, we found our way into the car park. I then became trapped in the back of his car due to the child door lock being on. Minor panic began to set in, but luckily I was eventually saved. If the excellent Danny Baker ever returns to BBC’s 606 and poses the question “Have you ever been trapped by a footballer?” I’ll be first on the phone.
In typical fashion for an early pre-season friendly, the lineup was made up almost entirely of trialists – plus Jim Rollo, Adie Harris and Gethin Jones. This lead to an incredibly fun game of “Guess the trialist”. Much amusement for about two minutes. Particular attention was given to a pacey looking number 9. It was decided that he was named Solano, having recently left Brazilian side Santos FC. I’m not quite sure if Mike “Yorkie” York believed us, mainly because it was a complete and utter lie.
The game included a lot of hoofing, heading and shouting. No goals in the first half. There was however a fight, which was rather disturbingly broken up by Adie Harris. Given the fact Harris has in the past been one of the prime instigators whenever there are football handbags being thrown, it was a little worrying to see him acting as peacemaker, when we have become so accustomed to him flying into the melee with a Jean-Claude Van Damme-style drop kick.
Post-fight pic
The only other highlight of the first half was Jim Rollo nearly scoring. It has been almost five years since he scored this beauty against Eastleigh and had he scored in yesterday’s preseason friendly, the scenes which would follow would no doubt be similar to that of our title winning celebrations at Yate in 2007.
Always a massive date on the calendar
The second half was marginally more exciting that the first. Odd Down’s goalkeeper forgot he had the ball at his feet and almost allowed our trialist – the former Santos striker, Solano, to score. We realised the wall where we were stood was infested with spiders, ants and millipedes. Oh, and there were a couple of goals. The hosts took the lead, I believe the scorer to be a one Jamie Taylor – a product of the Bath City Youth Academy and a former Culverhay pupil (the secondary school which almost every male City fan, including myself, attended). Once tipped to be our very own Wayne Rooney, sadly things didn’t quite work out and he was sold to Paulton Rovers for a measly £25.6 million and a packet of crisps.
Another crap match shot. Expect lots like this next season.
Despite being what is essentially training exercise, it is always disappointing to see your side cocede a goal and I had to keep assuring myself that “It’s only a friendly”, especially when Yorkie came running towards us declaring that we would lose 4-0 and the world was about to end. Luckly, we avoided any embarrassment and a trialist, who will probably never play for us again, equlaised. Sadly it wasn’t the now legendary Solano.
And that’s that. The next friendly I should be going to is Burnley at home. That is unless they suffer the same nerves as Palace *waves fist in anger*
Feck off Snow White (and Palace)
Jaws
A few weeks ago, I noticed to my extreme excitement that Jaws was being re-released at the cinema. Jaws is my favourite film of all time. Sharks are cool and any film which involves a child being eaten alive in a brutal, gory death is always worth watching at least 50 times. Jaws was originally released in 1975, meaning I was born too late to see it at the cinema. Sadly, I also missed out on Manchester United being relegated the year before, not to mention the invention of the food processor.
I managed to persuade John to accompany me to the Showcase, bribing him with pre-movie visit to Nandos. After eating chicken, we went to the cinema, where tickets were purchased along with Ice Blasts. £3.60 each. Three pounds AND sixty pissing pence! It was only a few years ago, John and I would visit Showcase and be able to buy TWO Ice Blasts for a fiver. How things have changed. Bring back Tony Blair and affordable ice drinks.
Despite Jaws being by far the best film being shown in the entire multiplex, it was shamefully relegated to the crap screen at the end of the corridor. The floor was sticky, the room smelt of toilets and everything I moved on my chair, it squeaked. The screen was also very small. I could have just watched the DVD at home and sat close to my telly. I am sure a crap film written by Katie Price, featuring Miley Cyrus and a talking egg was being shown on the bigger, premier screen. Sigh.
So the movie. Without wanting to spoil it for you, it’s about shark. It eats a naked drunk woman. Then it eats a skinny child on a waterbed. Still hungry, Jaws, as I have named the shark, eats a man, but spits out his leg. A policeman, scientist and drunk sailor then go out to sea on small boat to kill the big shark. The drunken sailor gets eaten, no doubt saving on a future liver transplant, before the policeman shoots Jaws, who explodes while munching on an oversized tin of deodorant. You can see why it’s my favourite film ever?
There was a very scary bit in the middle where a head appears from a sinking boat. Having seem Jaws about five thousand times, I knew to the frame that the head as about to appear, yet still jumped out my skin, almost soiling myself in the process. The whole cinema knew I jumped too, as the squeaky chair I was sat on made an extra loud squeak as I bolted upright in fear. Apologies to my fellow cinema-goers for the noise…. and the smell.
England
I was planning on writing this blog on Sunday afternoon, before the quarter final against Italy. In the blog I would praise the effort, commitment and passion shown by the England team. A sharp contrast to the 2010 World Cup, where England players performed so poorly, they made me vomit with rage. The fact Italy dominated the entire match, apart from the first 10 minutes, and eventually won in the most typical of fashions – on a penalty shootout – means this blog is a little irrelevant now. Even so, my feelings towards the national side are a lot more positive and optimistic than they were two years ago.
I think John, who can’t stand football, summed up last night with his text message to me at full time. It read simply “Lolz”.
Crazy Italian
No, this isn’t a racial slur following England’s defeat to the vastly superior Italians last night. This is to celebrate the fact John, Simon and I returned to Bath’s finest pizza takeaway outlet on Saturday night. I say “returned”, I went there last week with Claire. In past weeks, the need was felt, not by myself, but by friends, to visit a nearby competitor. A vastly inferior pizza takeaway restaurant.
So why the “Crazy Italian” heading? Anyone who needs to ask that question clearly has not visited Pizzerella when it’s owner has been present – which is all the time. He’s a great man and a fantastic chef, but his staff must fear him. One piece of pepperoni out of place and he explodes. Passionate, but crazy. A great recipe for a good pizza.
A new member of staff was working in the takeaway. A woman behind the till. She didn’t know how to use the till and had to keep asking for help. My pizza cost £7.10. I will have to check my bank statement to ensure I wasn’t charge £710. I also asked for chilli on my pizza. She didn’t know what chilli was. I pointed to a notice board with the word “Chilli”. She said I would get chilli on my pizza. When I got home and opened the box, there was no chilli.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
