I’ve been off work today. I have a cold. Not just any old cold, however. This cold has stolen my voice. I literally cannot speak. I stayed off work as I felt unwell. It was probably a good thing I avoided the office anyway, because with my laryngitis, everyone I would speak to on the telephone would think they were talking to a pervert, breathing heavily down the line.
Cracker jokes really are getting worse these days…
If someone was paid to write that, I need a career change. How about this…
Q. Why did the banana fall?
A. Because it slipped on its skin.
Q. Why did the cracker joke smell?
A. Because it was shit.
Earlier in the week, I checked the weather forecast for Boxing Day ahead of Bath City’s trip to Weston Super Mare. Being a local side, we are always paired with the seaside side at Christmas. The last two years, the away fixture has been postponed. Last year, I found out that the game was off when I was in bed, having just woken up. While a tad annoying, it wasn’t too bad as no money or time had been wasted. Two years ago, while sat on a coach just outside of Bath, we got a message to say that that match had fallen victim to rain. That did piss me off, especially as it was a beautiful sunny day, without a rain cloud in sight.
I shouldn’t feel too bad. We haven’t been the only side to be affected by Weston Super Mare’s pitch. Most famously, their recent FA Cup game against Doncaster was called off shortly before kick-off, due to a bit of water on the playing surface. The events yesterday, however, were hard to take…
I was initially worried whether the game would go ahead or not. As I have already mentioned, a few days ago I saw this on the BBC weather page, when checking the forecast for Weston Super Mare…
When Boxing Day arrived, despite a bit of frost, there was no problems. You could call it perfect weather for football. We boarded the coach and any worries about postponements were forgotten. It takes an hour or so to get to the ground. It is quite a scenic trip; driving through the Somerset countryside, passing lakes and picturesque villages – we even went past the Thatchers cider farm! As we approached the town of Weston Super Mare, it started to rain. Within minutes of getting to the ground, a fan on our coach received a text message from the Bath City chairman – GAME OFF.
How in the fuck did that happen? It couldn’t have been raining more than an hour and even then, it was hardly a downpour! We were so close to Weston’s ground, we continued with our journey, getting off the coach to see for ourselves and check it wasn’t some kind of sick joke. The only joke was Weston Super Mare’s pitch – the match was well and truly postponed. That’s THREE years in a row for a bit of rain. Some man in a suit came out of an office to inform us the game was off. No apology issued and no thanks for making the journey. I just walked off, loudly muttering to Claire how they should be kicked out of the league if they can’t sort out their pitch. I entered the clubhouse to empty the contents of my bladder, before getting back on the coach and going back to Bath.
Weston are near the bottom of the table. I really hope they go down and Bath City won’t have to put up with going to their amateur setup ever again.
Well here you have it, my Christmas blog for 2014. I would have blogged yesterday, but I was otherwise engaged, so didn’t have time to get on the laptop. I will write a second blog for you all about Boxing Day later…
Christmas Day was good. I gave lots of presents and received many in return. 3 different houses were visited, although unfortunately, I only got to eat one Christmas dinner. The dinner was very nice. One reason for this is that I had chicken instead of turkey. Turkey can be very dry, unless cooked by a Michelin star chef, and I am a fussy eater. The chicken I ate was beautiful, moist and well complimented by some delicious pigs in blankets – arguably the best part of any Christmas dinner.
During the cooking process, my brother and I had a debate regarding the welfare of chickens and if battery farms really are that bad. We ate a free range chicken and I always buy free range eggs. There is a big argument to suggest that birds from battery farms produce poor quality eggs and meat, not to mention being incredibly cruel. With regards to quality, I can see why free range eggs would be better. If a battery chicken is locked in a cage all its life, has 3 legs and a beak growing out of its back, it isn’t going to care whether it is laying an egg or taking a shit. However, it will be so miserable, that when it is killed to make your chicken dinner, it will almost be pleased to die. The man in the slaughterhouse is effectively doing it a favour. Compare this to a typical free range chicken, living the life of Riley. It can eat as much as it likes, walk wherever it wants, breed with all the handsome cockerels. If I was a free range chicken, I would be as happy as Larry. Then some nasty murderer comes along and slits my throat. The next thing I know, I am in a Chicken McNugget. Is that fair? I’ll leave that one with you and get back to my Christmas blog…
Not a lot of television was watched on Christmas Day. I suppose this was a good thing, as it means lots of time was spent with family. Looking through the TV guide we’ve got, it doesn’t look like I missed much. I downloaded The Queen’s Speech for somebody who missed it in the afternoon. I don’t normally watch The Queen, but as it was on and I had gone to the effort of using Sky’s on-demand service to get hold of it, I thought I would sit back and see what the woman my taxes pay to keep in teacakes had to say for herself. I don’t remember much of it, although did laugh when she recalled a visit to the set of Game of Thrones. I am not a GOT fanatic, but have seen a few episodes, which included an incest relationship, naked women and a number of beheadings – I do wonder if Madge enjoys that kind of thing…
Can THIS apply for a Royal Warrant?
I received many lovely presents, from many generous family members, and have been thinking long and hard over the past day on how I can blog about them, given the fact I can’t photograph and upload every single one – as nice as the presents are, it’ll take far too long! So I will pick one present from each person and upload it here. If you’re reading this and bought me something, thank you very much. I hope you liked what I got you…
From Claire – Vegas comes to our house!
PlayStation 4? XBox One? No thanks – this is the King of Consoles.
You read it right – that’s 32,000 colours AND stereo sound!
SNES from my Dad. 3D Sonic mug from my Mum. Retro gaming ahoy. My parents know me well.
I did think about modelling these for you, so be very grateful I changed my mind…
Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
Nandos at home? Don’t mind if I do!
I hope you all had a fantastic Christmas. Once again, to everyone who bought me something or sent a card – mucho appreciato!
Happy Christmas to all readers of my blog.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
