Earlier in the week, while putting the bins out, I noticed a spider hiding in between the garden door. Pretty normal in most circumstances, especially as it was basically in the garden. I know I don’t like spiders very much, but really, my only phobia is of those huge ones, the size of your hand, which run across the living room floor, while you’re watching Coronation Street.

This spider, however, was a big different. It was big, fat, and dark and had thick legs. With my very limited knowledge of arachnids, I identified it as a False Widow Spider. This is a breed of spider, which the media have been going crazy about, as it looks like its deadly cousin, the Black Widow.

The ‘Falsey’ can apparently bite, but this is supposed to only be like a bee sting. You might say its bark is worse than its bite, although spiders don’t bark, so you really, you can’t say that at all.

I was less perturbed by the eight-legged lodger than Claire, which is unusual, as when a spider normally invades our home, it is her who has to deal with it – after I have shouted, screamed and cried. I suppose Claire was concerned by the fact these particular spiders can bite – fair enough, really. I don’t think those gert-maccy ones I hate have big enough gnashes to break human skin (not that I ever wish to find out). I also knew this spider was safely confined behind the utility room door. If it ever found its way onto the sofa, or worse, the bed, I would, as with tradition, shout, scream and cry.

So what is the purpose of today’s blog? Surely the fact a (relatively) harmless spider is outside of my house, along with billions of other spiders, it is a non-story. You would be right, if it weren’t for the fact the spider spotted has now vanished. Granted, it could have decided living lodged between a door wasn’t very nice, packed its bag and crawled off into the big wide world to find a big rock to live underneath. That is the most likely scenario. The other thing which could have happened, is the spider moved into the house and is now lying in wait for me to get into bed where it will bite me.

To coincide with the spider being spotted and subsequently absconding was this story in the news about a grandmother DYING after being bitten by a False Widow. Now I don’t want to panic unnecessarily, but what if the spider which bit the unfortunate woman ran away after committing the murder and was hiding from police and the FBI in my utility room door? There could be a murderer in my house.

If this is my last blog ever (because I’m massacred in my sleep by a spider), it’s been a pleasure.