For the last few months, I have been subscribing to the magazine ‘Real Life Bugs and Insects’. Each issue of the publication features in-depth detail of a particular creepy-crawly from around the world. Without wanting to sound like a Roy Cropper type weirdo, it is rather interesting.
The best part of the magazine is what comes with it – a real life bug! Sadly, the bug is no longer living – although if it was alive, I wouldn’t step foot in a newsagent again, let alone buy the damn thing. The dead creature is encased in a solid plastic box. The magazine justifies this brutality, comparing the process to a fly getting caught in the sap of a tree – just like in them wild (and Jurassic Park).
I don’t really like to think how the bug is killed (as it is still intact, I don’t think it is with a sole of a shoe), as I rather like animals; but being a meat-eater, I can’t really claim to be pro-animal rights, so will avoid joining PETA and will continue my subscription to collecting murdered insects instead.
For your ‘enjoyment’, I will be sharing my insect collection with you on my blog. Despite enjoying his work, I am no David Attenborough, so won’t be teaching you all how the bugs live, breed, feed, etc. Instead, I have gone for something a little more fun. I will be presenting the creatures in the form of Top Trump cards, so if you’re even weirder than me, you can print the cards off and play a game with your friends – although if you’re sad enough to do that, you probably don’t have any friends.
The bug will be given four different ratings…
“SHIT YOUR PANTS SCARY” – If you were to see this creature in your bed at night, how likely would you be to soil your pyjamas?
“QUICK LEGS, FAST WINGS & THINGS” – How fast does this thing to move? Do you have time to reach for the insect spray, before it gets you?
“BITEY, BITEY, STING, STING, STAB” – If you are attacked by this bug, how badly will it hurt?
“WORLD DOMINATION” – What are the chances of these creatures taking over the world? 1 = don’t be stupid, it’s just an insect – 5 = a certainty.
Below is a sample card. I already have 11 bugs, so will be uploading cards for all of them over the next few days. After that, new cards will be produced, once I receive them.
I was amused by a story where an Arsenal supporter threw red wine over the Manchester United team bench, during a match at the weekend. I’m not condoning football violence (despite this being against that scummy club from Lancashire), however, throwing wine over your rivals has to be the most upper-class way to be a football hooligan. There are unconfirmed reports that another Arsenal fan spat quinoa at a Manchester United supporter outside the ground.
I remember some years ago, hearing of Liverpool fans filling cups, presumably once used to hold tea or coffee, with their own urine and chucking it at rival Manchester United supporters. I suppose the victims of Saturday’s wine attack should count themselves a little lucky.
I have been watching the latest David Attenborough series, Life Story. Natural history programmes like this never cease to fascinate me. Animals, both large and small, are amazingly observed demonstrating natural behaviour I wouldn’t imagine would be possible.
The episode I watched today featured a group of crabs, of different sizes. The crabs had outgrown their shells and had to swap their living quarters, between themselves. Prior to the exchange, they would line up, in order of size, to ensure the trade takes place successfully. There was no crab solicitor in sight.
I generally believe that animals are more intelligent than some humans, which is disturbing and a little sad. If you don’t agree with my theory, watch any of Attenborough’s many masterpieces, followed by an episode of The Jeremy Kyle Show…
Is this hermit crab more intelligent than the man below?
Today is a special day – an important anniversary. Quite frankly, I am surprised it is not a public holiday. 20 years ago today, one of the greatest video games of all time was released to the world. I am talking, of course, about Donkey Kong Country.
Pre-DKC, I grew up with Alex the Kidd in Miracle World, before moving onto the Sega Megadrive and Super Nintendo Entertainment System. This opened the international debate ‘Sonic the Hedgehog vs. The Super Mario Brothers’. It was an evenly matched contest, as both were very good games. However, when Donkey Kong appeared on the scene, it crapped all over the opposition.
In my opinion, DKC was the biggest breakthrough in video game history. It was released around the time that the Sony PlayStatation and Sega Saturn were the next generation consoles, yet only the super-rich could afford them. DKC allowed the everyday man (and child) to play a game, which looked and played easily as good as any “next-gen” title on their trusty old 16-bit SNES.
When I got a SNES for my birthday, DKC blew my mind. As well as the graphics, which still look lush today, the game was simply massive. Granted, to complete the levels, it was relatively straight-forward. To find all the hidden special stages, collect all the artefacts and secrets, took AGES. Remember, this was the pre-internet days too – there were no websites giving you 1,000 page walkthroughs or YouTube videos showing you exactly how to find and do everything.
I am proud to say, I found everything. I got 100%. Although, in DKC, it is 101% (in the sequel, DKC2, you had to find 102% and 103% in DKC3). How did I do this? A mix of very hard work, wasted youth, help from school chums and spending far too much pocket money on monthly Nintendo magazines… OK, I didn’t buy them, but I did spend many an hour in the local newsagent, treating it like a library, reading the publications cover-to-cover.
The effort that went into completing DKC was pure dedication. What’s more, unlike modern games, you couldn’t save whenever you wanted. You had to complete anything up to half a dozen levels before you could reach the next ‘save point’; which, by the way, involved jumping into a barrel, while being watched by a scantily-dressed, apparently sexy monkey, called Candy Kong. Nothing disturbing there.
The only thing that makes me wonder about DKC is the concept of the game – primarily collecting bananas. Yes, Donkey Kong is a gorilla, and gorillas like bananas, but given the fact all the bananas were yellow and had already been picked, surely by the time the game had been completed, Mr. Kong wouldn’t be able to enjoy the fruits of his work, as they would have all turned brown and soggy, like old bananas do. Oh well, in a game where you can ride a rhinoceros, ostrich and giant frog, while jumping on crocodiles, I think I can forgive that minor flaw…
If a football club said it were having their “biggest celebration of the year”, you would probably think that this related to winning something, say for example the league or a cup. They may have beaten a fierce rival, or moved to a new football ground.
Leeds United, however, like to do things a bit differently. Having almost been relegated the following year, getting beaten in the FA Cup by Rochdale and still effectively homeless, due to renting the ground from a mystery landlord; they haven’t had much to cheer about.
Leeds fans, fear not, as “biggest celebration of the year” is due to take place at Elland Road in just a matter of weeks. In the form of – cue a drumroll – a Christmas party!
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
