Considering my laziness in failing to update my blog until yesterday, today’s rant is pretty ironic, as it concerns system updates and how they really grind my gears.

Yesterday’s blog about the fun-goings-on, which have taken place on my street recently, nearly didn’t happen. Please picture the scene. I was sat on the sofa, happily typing away on my laptop when everything ground to a halt. Microsoft Word stopped working and the laptop made a noise as if it was about to take off into outer-space.

I am not a man to be beaten, and knowing that the shit piece of Office software Bill Gates had put together was throwing a tantrum, I opened up Notepad to write the remainder of my story. OK, it doesn’t come with a spelling and grammar checker, but when has I evar neded one of they?

The reason for my laptop going on strike, was because one of those automatic Windows updates was being applied. Not just a little one, mind. No, this was one hefty, mother fucker of an update. It seemed to go on and on for hours, while the first half of my blog, which I had written in Word, remained on screen frozen. Luckily, I am not stupid and frequently save my work, so there was no fear of relying upon Microsoft’s auto-recover feature and losing all the blood, sweat and tears I had shed earlier.

The updates were eventually installed and the laptop rebooted – twice – to allow them to be configured. Why didn’t Microsoft tell me about this? OK, it is kind of my fault for having to auto-updates turned on. If I don’t, I’ll forget about them for about 5 years, only remembering I should really update when I see a scare on the news about how some kid in Australia is hacking everyone and stealing their Nandos loyalty points. What I do object to is one huge dump of an update being put onto my computer and preventing it from functioning, without telling me. It’s like going to the dentist for a routine check-up. He spots a problem, neglects to inform you, but carries on with the procedure anyway, and removes all your teeth, tongue and tonsils. Do dentists remove tonsils? Probably.

I am sure Bill Gates is a regular reader of my blog. After all, since stepping down as head of Microsoft, he’s bound to have more time on his hands. So, Billy – please tell your boffins in Microsoft Towers, that I would like to be warned before you shit on my laptop next time. Thanks.

It was my birthday yesterday. Yes, it was! Why don’t you all stop reading this blog for one minute to sing me ‘Happy Birthday’ or send me a belated card and cheque. I’ll give you five minutes for that…

Done? Oh good. Thanks in advance for the cheque. I made it easy for my loved ones to buy my present this year, by dropping countless numbers of hints that I would like Amazon vouchers, to enable me to purchase the Wii U console. I’m aware that this machine has been out for 2 years now, but it’s only been recently that any games that took my interest were released – namely Donkey Kong and the latest addition to the Mario Kart series.

I ordered the Wii on my birthday, paying extra for next day delivery. I waited in all day today, getting up very early, as I just knew if I slept in, the courier would attempt to deliver it, I would not be downstairs in 10 seconds, resulting in him either throwing my parcel over the garden wall or taking it back to the depot – probably in Hull.

I got up and waited. I had my breakfast. I waited a bit more. I watched 4 episodes of Keeping Up Appearances. I waited again. I ate lunch. I continued to wait. I was tempted to go to the toilet for a poo, as you can guarantee without a shadow of a doubt, that when you are mid-shit, the doorbell will go, resulting in you having to quickly pull your trousers up and run down the stairs, with a turtle head hanging between your buttocks and pants. I didn’t go to the toilet. I continued to wait, until shortly after 4pm, when a white van appeared outside. Out of the van appeared a man with a box, which he brought to the door. I had to scribble something onto his iPhone with my finger. Presumably this is an alternative to a signature these days. I put a crude S and K – my initials. It probably looked like a snake and a big ‘X’ kiss.

The Wii U was unboxed and assembled with ease. I didn’t even need to read the instructions. Then the problems started. After going through about a thousand configuration settings, the console wanted to connect to the internet, so it could perform a system update. I was given no choice, so allowed it to do so. Why do these modern consoles need so many updates? The SNES didn’t need any. The only thing you had to do with SNES games was blow into the underside of the cartridge a few times before playing it. You accepted that as it was part of the course. Over an hour it took to download and install whatever updates it needed. In which time I had a ride on my exercise bike, did the washing up, went for my poo and drank probably a pint of Coca Cola, before going back to the toilet to piss it all out.

Finally the Wii U updated itself! I was happy. Happy until I put the Mario Kart 8 disc into the machine and was told that the game wanted to be updated as well. It was at that point I got a hammer and smashed the Wii U into a million pieces.