As I type this blog, there are just 54 days until the wedding.

This means that in less than 8 weeks, I will be a married man and this finger will have a ring on it!

I still have a list of things I need to do before the big day…

1. Organise a stag party
2. Buy shoes for wedding
3. Buy clothes for honeymoon
4. Write my speech
5. Finish ‘list of things I need to do before the big day’

‘1’ will be a surprising one for lots of people, as for many men the stag weekend/night is more important than the wedding! A former colleague of mine is getting married later in the summer and as a result, will be watching England play Australia in The Ashes. That is one thing I would have done. Alas, the International Cricket Council refused to move the tournament forward and therefore prevented me from watching some cricket in April. Selfish bastards.

‘2’ is less of a concern, although, of course, more important. I could hardly turn up to my own wedding barefoot or in trainers. I hate clothes shopping and I despise buying shoes even more. I think I will just go to Asda, as all their shoes are ready to buy. You don’t have to take a freakishly small or large shoe to the counter and ask the assistant to go out the back into Narnia, to hunt for a pair which fit your own feet.

‘3’ is in hand. I went clothes shopping with Claire on Friday and spent all of £77 in Primark. For that amount of money, I bought practically an entire wardrobe. Had I spent £77 in Superdry, I would have walked out with a sock. Given the fact all my recent holidays have been to the likes of Weymouth, Dawlish Warren and Minehead, I don’t exactly have suitable attire for the honeymoon, which will involve visiting various European countries. They will be hot. Very hot. If I was to walk around Rome, in the summer sun, wearing jeans and a hoody, I would probably die of heatstroke. I’m already going to look like a typical Englishman to the locals. I don’t want to look like a typical Englishman boiling to death from the inside, because he is wearing a football scarf and hat.

‘4’. My speech. If you asked me why I am writing this blog and not my speech, you would have a very good point. I can hardly read from Sean’s Stories before the wedding breakfast. My speech will be short, but sweet. I had been tempted to include some jokes, but after giving it much thought, decided against the idea. Any attempt at humour from me would end badly. My joke would either go down like a lead balloon, leaving me stood next to my new wife and in-laws, looking like a tit after making the worst joke ever, or I would do a gag so offensive, the wedding guests would vomit and I would end up spending the night in a police cell, with only a transsexual called Big Donna for company.

Not all speeches turn out well…

‘5’ There will be things I have missed off the list. Of course there will be. I can’t organise a sodding stag party, so what are the chances of me remembering to do EVERYTHING in preparation for the wedding. If anyone is reading this and can think of something I have missed, please leave a comment, send an email or release a carrier pigeon, with a revised list tied to its foot. Thanking you muchly in advance.

Oh yeah! That’s what I forgot!