We’re all going to the zoo tomorrow
Zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow
We’re all going to the zoo tomorrow
We can stay all day

This is what we could have been singing last Friday… the reason – we went to the zoo on Saturday!

With Bath City out of the FA Cup and missing out on a “glamorous” trip to Braintree in Essex; we decided that we would spend our free Saturday going to Bristol Zoo. It would be cheaper than travelling half way across the country (especially as Claire had already bought me a ticket for my birthday), a lot closer to home and, like whenever we visit Essex, full of wild animals.

I hadn’t been to the zoo for around 20 years and a lot had changed since my childhood visit. We started by visiting the monkeys. They walked around, with their bare behinds on show. I always think that their bottoms look very sore and in need of some cream, although somehow I doubt Donkey Kong would appreciate the help and end up ripping your arm off. The monkeys also confirmed the stereotype that they throw their own poop as it was splattered against the walls.

The lions were very lazy and asleep in their den. Claire said that as it was raining heavily, she didn’t blame the lions and that if she were them, she wouldn’t leave her bed to go and stand in the rain either. I pointed out to her that by coming to the zoo on an early, wet Saturday morning, she had done just that. I was hoping a stray child would somehow find its way into the enclosure – it would certainly wake the lions up. Of course, I would have wanted the child saved (after suffering some mild peril and a small scratch from a claw). Watching the lions reminded me of a news story from my childhood, which had clearly stuck with me. A mentally ill man had climbed into the lion cage at London Zoo and was mauled. I still remember the picture on the front page of the newspaper of a man, lying on the floor, with his head in the jaws of a male lion. After doing some internet research this weekend, I discovered that the man survived. The lions in that instance must have recently been fed and were simply playing with the man, like a cat does with a mouse. If they were hungry, he would have been dead in a matter of minutes. A similar incident occurred in Spain, where a lion keeper was eaten alive, after entering a cage and purposely throwing away the keys to the door. All that remained of that man was a bit of his skull and spinal cord. Chilling, although you can’t blame the lions at all – they were just acting on natural instinct, in both cases.

We walked through a bat cage. I was expecting to see huge flying bats everywhere. Instead, like the lions, they were all asleep indoors. By this point it was raining heavily – I think the animals have more common sense than us! The amphibians didn’t disappoint, although I suspect they like wet weather. I saw some giant tortoise and some giant tortoise poop – and it was giant! If I had poos that size, it would be like giving birth from my anus every time I went to the toilet.

The reptile house is just like I remembered it to be as a child. It was as warm as our house when we have turned the heating up. The snakes looked a bit smaller than I remembered. Either because I’m bigger these days, or the snakes I saw years ago are all dead. Then there was the huge fish tank, which allowed you to walk through a glass tunnel, while sea life swam above you. It was all very much like Jaws 3. Remember that film, where the static, plastic looking shark moved very slowly towards the tank? I’m not that quick on my feet, but I am very confident that I could escape from Jaws 3. Luckily there are no large, man-eating sharks in Bristol Zoo, so I didn’t have to test my theory.

I was scared and excited about entering the insect house. I knew there would be big spiders in there. There was a huge cage full of locusts. They were either mating or dead – it was like a party thrown by a retired, drugged and sexed-up rock star. I did see one large spider, although was slightly disappointed – it certainly wasn’t as scary as the one I saw on our front door the other week! There was apparently a black window in a toilet, as well, but I couldn’t find it.

We saw lots of cute little monkeys, parrots and otters. All very nice, but while scouring the internet for the lion story, mentioned earlier, I read that one of the monkeys had recently escaped and found its way into the otter’s enclosure, where it was eaten. Three parrots (or some kind of exotic bird), also escaped, with only two being found – therefore there is a colourful bird, somewhere on The Downs, speaking Bristolian with the common crow and magpies. “Polly wants a crackerrrrrrrrr”

We then travelled to the Antarctic (with the houses of Clifton as a backdrop), where lots of penguins waddled and swam around. I also saw a couple of sea lions have a domestic, shouting at and trying to bite each other. I was sure a polar bear used to live in the zoo (yes, I know they naturally reside in the ARCTIC). Claire dismissed my memory; although, again, good old Google proved me right. There was a polar bear which lived in Bristol Zoo. It was rescued from the circus, but went mad and had to be hidden from the public. It later died. A sad story.

The hippos were very disappointing. Considering they are supposed to be the most dangerous animal in Africa, they just wallowed in their own filth and didn’t look fierce at all. The gorillas looked depressed and subdued as well. One of them rolled around on its back, while a zoo keeper cleaned urine from the floor in the neighbouring room. The gorilla’s mate woke up, squatted and pissed everywhere.

The final set of animals we saw were meerkats. Before those Compare The Market adverts, I don’t think anyone knew what meerkats were – certainly nobody cared about them. These meerkats were cute and all that, but I am sure if you took one home, it would bite your fingers off and destroy your furniture.

Overall, I enjoyed my trip to the zoo. It wasn’t as much fun as Longleat, mainly as there weren’t as many dangerous animals and I didn’t get the opportunities to directly interact with them (for example, snake holiding). I hear London Zoo is very good, and will make it my aim to go there in the next 12 months.

I took lots of photos. They are all crap quality as were taken on my mobile phone. Despite looking rubbish, I stuck them on my Flickr account.