Every few months, somebody from our letting agency inspects our house to make sure we’re not using it as a brothel or to raise farmyard animals. Prior to these inspections, Claire and I frantically clean the place from top to bottom, to make sure we get good reviews from the inspector and the landlord likes us. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t live in filth the rest of the time; our house is relatively clean and tidy. However, for an inspection, we do our best to make it look like it’s a show home.

Last time, we got poor reviews for the state of the bathroom, which was a little upsetting. It wasn’t like we had wiped poo all over the walls. In fact, the main issue was mould on the walls. This is a bugger to get rid of, as bathrooms get hot and steamy when we shower. Condensation sticks to the cold wall and mould grows as a result. Wow – this is more like a science lesson than a blog! Anyway, we got marked down for that (possibly fairly enough). This time we made damn sure we got high marks. I therefore approached the bathroom with a huge array of cleaning products – including a bottle of bleach – the entire contents of which were emptied onto the shower walls. This killed the mould and probably anything else which will live on it for generations to come. It was basically Chernobyl.

After nuking the shower, I had to tackle the mould, which was on the walls, high up beneath the ceiling. Now, I’m no Warwick Davis, but I am only about 5 foot 5, and would therefore struggle to reach the great heights of the bathroom. Granted, I could use a stepladder and stand on tiptoes, but this would probably end up in me losing my balance and falling into the toilet bowl. I had to find a contraption which would reach the mould and allow me to clean it off. In a genius move, I discovered an old curtain rail and attached a dish scrubber to the end of it with insulating tape. The curtain rail is about 3 feet long and bends in all kinds of directions. My homemade tool allowed me to stand underneath the dirty wall and clean it, with ease. After 33 years on this planet, I’ve finally invented something! As soon as Duncan Bannatyne is out of the jungle, I am booking a place on Dragons Den. I could make millions!

I vacuumed the rest of the house… poorly. Claire cleaned and tidied the living room and kitchen very well (I have to say that). After many hours of back breaking work, we were left with a clean and tidy house. We haven’t had the results of the inspection yet, but I hope the results show we live in a lovely home and not a crack den (I hid my needles and pipe).