This is a photo of the wardrobe in my bedroom. There is something wrong with it – take a good look.

Can you see what the problem is?

How about now?

There is a huge spider web on the foot of the ITV Digital Monkey! There is only one place that huge spider webs come from, and that’s huge spiders. The thought of a spider in the bedroom terrifies me.

I really had to rid my bedroom of the spider. But how? I thought up the following solutions…

MORNING BUST
Catch the spider unaware. Come charging towards the wardrobe, tear the monkey from off the top, hopefully with the spider attached to it, and then stamp on the beast or spray it to death with Raid.

Risks: The spider may fall on my head or runaway.
Chances of success: Slim.

OUTSMART THE SPIDER
Outsmarting a spider is difficult. They are more intelligent than people give them credit for. Many a time I have been told “The spider is more scared of you, than you are of it”. This is an urban myth. Spiders are not scared of us. If they were, why would they stroll across our living rooms, flicking us the ‘V sign’, while we watch EastEnders? To follow this method, I would have to make a trap for the spider. Make the hunter become the hunted. To do this, I would catch a small woodlouse from the garden, to use as bait. The woodlouse would then be dropped onto the web. The spider, sensing a free breakfast, would run out of its hiding place, to devour the hero woodlouse. While it is doing this, I would spray it to death with Raid.

Risks: The spider would attack me as I dropped the woodlouse onto its bed. The spider would outsmart me. The spider would run away.
Chances of success: Slim

ASK MY DAD FOR HELP
Dads are great for helping to catch spiders. They are not scared of anything. This rule will change if I ever have a child. Claire’s Dad was the spider catcher when she lived with her parents, and whenever I needed a spider removed from my childhood home, my Dad would always be called upon. With my Dad paying a visit Saturday morning, he could be my hero and destroy the spider. NOTE: By calling my Dad a ‘hero’, I am not comparing him to a woodlouse, which I also referred to as a ‘hero’ in my earlier idea.

Risks: My Dad isn’t scared of spiders, so isn’t careful when catching the spider, and as a result, lets it run away.
Chances of success: Slim

IGNORE IT
While I hate spiders, I know that they are everywhere. Long before spotting the web, I am sure there are spiders in the bedroom. However, I have learnt to live with the philosophy “Out of sight, out of mind”. If I didn’t, I would be forced to live in a plastic bubble all my life. The spider is on top of the wardrobe. While up there, it isn’t going to run across the floor or crawl into bed with me. If I were to disturb it and the spider escaped, it could go anywhere.

In the end I went for the third idea – ASK MY DAD FOR HELP. My Dad is a tall man (so I have no idea why I am only 5 foot 5), but even he can’t see on top of the wardrobe. Using a stepladder, he observed the area, moved the monkey and cleaned up the web. No spider was found. This is kind of a relief, but I am still not convinced. As I said earlier, spiders are clever, not to mention fast. The spider almost certainly heard my Dad coming and made a run for it, long before he even made his ascent up the stepladder. I just hope it doesn’t attack me in the night, in a vicious act of revenge for destroying its web.