For years, I have watched England enter both World Cups and European Championships. Every time, I have believed that this will be our year, the players will gel, performing as well for their country as they do their club and lead our nation to victory. Every tournament – usually ten minutes into the opening match – my dreams go up in smoke.
Did I mention I was talking about the England men? You know – Wayne Rooney, John Terry, Ashley Cole – those useless gobshites.
Luckily, our country has a football team to be proud of. There are three differences between this new team and the one associated with the likes of Sven, Roy Hodgson and ongoing failure.
The differences are…
1) They really want to win for their country
2) They’re not shit
3) They are women
The Lionesses, who two years ago came 3rd in the World Cup, two years ago, have now reached the semi-finals of the European Championships, having beaten Scotland, Spain, Portugal and France. Imagine the men claiming victories against these teams – they can’t even beat Scotland!
It isn’t just the English girls who are a joy to watch. Players from all sides in the competition generally want to win. Remarkably, there is no diving, no theatrical performances, after a foul or mistimed tackle, and no surrounding the referee, after a decision is made that they don’t like. You would never see this in a match involving men.
In fact, the vast majority of aspects we all complain about, don’t seem to be present in the women’s game.
England play their next game on Thursday night, against the host nation – The Netherlands. I am sure that they will continue to do themselves and our country proud. Let’s all get behind them and give the girls the support they deserve!
I recently bought myself Crash Bandicoot for the PlayStation 4. This is a great buy and excellent value, with effectively 3 games for £30. The three titles are revamped versions of the originals, which appeared on the PlayStation 1, almost 20 years ago.
In the short time I have played the game, I’ve made a few observations…
1) The PS4 version is incredibly hard. I am told by a fellow gamer that Crash jumps differently to what he did originally (presumably because he has aged by 20 years). I cannot remember finding the games this difficult when I was a teenager.
2) Crash Bandicoot is a tad racist. Along with the lizards, snakes and other jungle wildlife, Crash also kills some dark skinned people, brandishing spears and shields. You could just about get away with that in the 1990s, but now…
3) You can fall 100 feet from a platform and suffer absolutely no ill effects. However, if Crash falls into a stream of water, it is instant death.
4) It has taken me until now to realise that Crash Bandicoot is a little bit of a rip-off of Donkey Kong Country. DKC was selling really well in the mid-90s, so Sony clearly needed their own jungle based platform game. Simply swap Donkey Kong (a gorilla), for Crash (a bandicoot). Change all the bananas for apples. Retain jungle enemies, although change a bit, to avoid getting sued by Nintendo. Instead of riding a rhino, ride a pig. Use different camera angles, to show off the power of the PlayStation, which was brand new technology at the time.
Following my trip to the dentist the other day, I decided to invest in a tool which will hopefully reduce further trips. I hate flossing. My dentist tells me to floss. I therefore probably should floss.
I have now found an alternative. A device you fill with water, which is then jetted into your mouth at such a force, it cleans your teeth – and I mean cleans. Any stronger and the force would rip the teeth from your skull.
The tool took a bit of getting used to. After filling the reservoir with water and turning the device on, water shot into the air, covering the walls, the floor and me. NOTE TO SELF – ONLY TURN ON WHEN IN MOUTH.
My second attempt wasn’t much better. The water came out in my mouth this time, but I didn’t plan on where it would go. Cue my mouth filling with water, before I am forced to spit it into the air, covering the walls, the floor and me. NOTE TO SELF – SPIT WATER OUT.
It was third time lucky. The water flowed into my mouth. I ensured I was over a sink, so excess water could flow out and down the plughole. Success.
The new bit of kit did an amazing job, and my teeth have never felt cleaner. What was left in the sink was incredible – blood and all kinds of food particles sat in the basin. I am sure I spotted part of my school dinners from twenty years ago, sitting in the bathroom sink. I am very impressed.
I am in bed and will shortly be settling down to sleep. I am hoping that I will have less of a disturbed night than the previous one…
About 3am, I awoke from a deep sleep, having a coughing fit. I don’t have a cough and in my dazed state, it was a little scary. I could hardly breath. Was this the end for Sean? Quite clearly, as I am writing this, I survived.
I can only assume that I swallowed one of the small moths, which have recently taken up residence in our house, where no amount of killing (and eating) them, reduces their numbers.
This morning I had a dentist appointment. This appointment involved some minor treatment, and as I don’t enjoy pain, I opted for the anaesthetic.
The procedure went fine and no teeth were removed. I left the surgery £30-something lighter (thank goodness I have an NHS dentist, or it would be even more), and feeling like I had Walls sausages for lips.
I arrived at the office and got on with my work. Within an hour, I began to feel a little light headed. Now, this may be because I stupidly missed breakfast and was then told by the dentist to avoid food for 3 hours. It could also have been the drugs pumped into my gums.
I was hardly tripping my balls off, but I wasn’t all there. This was confirmed when, instead of putting a pile of letters I had just sealed in envelopes, in the post bag, I instead placed into the confidential waste bin, which is locked with a key not on the premises. It’s one of those things that I realised I had done wrong within a second of doing it, but nothing could be done… apart from reprinting and reenveloping all the letters, which is what I did.
I’m never getting high again.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
