Last night, England qualified for the World Cup, by beating some team at Wembley… I think it was either Slovenia or Slovakia. It could well have been Greenland, such was my lack of interest. I watched the final five minutes. It was poor, and listening to the commentary, it sounded like the previous 85 minutes had been just as boring.

England scored in injury time, to win 1-0 and qualify for next year’s tournament in Russia. I sighed. What is the point in even going? We’ve seen it all before. England will be crap. If they do make it through the group stage, they’ll inevitably lose in the first knockout round.

Before you could call me cynical, remember – England haven’t beaten any country in a knockout stage since Ecuador in 2006. They have been beaten by Portual (twice), Germany, Italy and Iceland. Not forgetting, that in 2008, they didn’t even qualify, and in 2014, failed to make it out of their group. Not good, is it?

I am looking forward to the World Cup, but only because I will be able to watch good teams… Germany, Argentina, Brazil and Spain, amongst others (not England).

As England have absolutely no chance of winning the damn thing, why not make their visit to Russia more entertaining? Instead of taking a squad of well-known players from The Premier League, England manager, Gareth Southgate, should run a competition. Inite Sunday League and pub team players to win a place in the World Cup squad. It doesn’t matter how old, slow, alcohol dependant, or obese they are – anyone can enter, and anyone can win a place on the plane to Russia!

If the regular England squad was to play World Champions, Germany, right now, they would probably lose 5-0. If a Dog and Duck XI faced Germany, they’d probably lose 50-1. A loss is a loss, regardless of the score line. However, watching Benson and Hedges try to stop Mesut Özil from scoring would be a lot funnier than getting depressed as Gary Cahill and John Stones struggle to do the same.

I use a crutch, so there is zero chance of me running, but the thought of getting an England cap and playing against Portugal – hopefully breaking Cristiano Ronaldo’s leg with my walking aid – sound appealing. When’s training, Gaz?