The McDonald’s in Twerton closed it’s doors for the summer. Initially, I thought that the reason for this was because all the university students had returned to their homes, situated all over the country. Considering students seem to make up McDonald’s entire workforce, there would be nobody to prepare such cusines as the Big Mac, Mozzarella Dippers and the McFlurry. The real reason the restaurant shut it’s doors is far less interesting – they were refurbishing.

I’ve always liked McDonald’s, although find the restaurant we frequent to be very chavvy. Now I’m not criticising people who eat McDonald’s (although, considering the health implications of the food, I’d have good grounds to) afterall, we buy and enjoy takeaways from there. What makes this particular McDonald’s so chavtastic is a small percentage of customers, who can only be described as ‘scruffy bastards’.

We normally pop into Maccy D’s on the way home from watching Bath City, whose ground is just around the corner from the fast food restaurant. This is always early on a Saturday evening. The queue of hungry burger junkies usually stretches out of the door. As well as fellow football fans and locals after a weekend treat, there are, who I would call, ‘The Jeremy Kyle Families’. If you don’t know what I mean, watch this. The adult chavs hang around inside, with their uncontrollable children, or to use the correct term, ‘chavlings’.

Their queue jumping can be annoying; the outbursts towards some poor 17-year-old cashier, over a sachet of ketchup, even a little scary. Yet the worst horror of all is those chavs, children AND adults, who wear onesies…

Not only are onesies so 2013, that if Gok Wan saw somebody wearing one, he would spontaneously combust; the biggest crime is wearing such a garment outside the home! Onesies are basically baby grows for babies who haven’t grown up. I’m not going to lie; about five years ago, I owned one. However, my now retired onesie was only reserved for lazy Sundays, when I had no intention of leaving the sofa, let alone the house.

Even babies usually make the effort to change out of their baby grows, when leaving the house. Those lazy babies who don’t switch their attire, can still be forgiven – despite the fact they’re trying to blow bubbles from their mouth and have filled their nappies – because they’re cute. If you saw your onesie-wearing chav, frothing at the mouth, having shat themselves, you wouldn’t find them quite as endearing.

Anyway, enough about onesies. Somehow, despite McDonald’s being closed for over a month, the chavs lived. Probably ate from bins.

One of the main attractions of the newly refurbished McDonald’s is a ‘Drive-Thru’, meaning not only do the chavs not have to change out of their baby grows, but they don’t even need to step out of their Vauxhall Corsas. Before too long, they won’t have to get up from their sofas… Ronald McDonald will enter their houses, armed with an Extra Value Meal, dropping chicken nuggets into their open mouths. They won’t even need to wake up from their White Lightening induced sleep.

As well as the Drive-Thru, the new look has interactive screens, allowing customers the option to customise their food order. For many, this might include adding extra onion to their Quarter Pounder. The chav would request a Gingsters sausage roll and a packet of Marlborough Lights to be placed alongside a cheeseburger.

It could be worse. The chavs could be like Bath’s overly posh, uptight residents. Assuming that you live in Bath, you will have definitely seen them. If not, here they are. This group will have somehow got lost in McDonald’s, on the way back from the neighbouring Marks and Spencer Food Hall. Again, I don’t want to be accused of being a hypocrite, and will admit to shopping in M&S as a treat! The dish of choice for these customers would be the Fillet O Fish, customised into an ocean platter, complete with octopus tentacle, blow fish and dolphin.

My customisation fitted into neither of these classes, although some may regard it as equally absurd. I have recently turned vegetarian, in honour of my pet rabbit. Prior to turning veggie, I used to love a Big Mac. Along with bacon and sausages, this was the only red meat I would eat. Yes, you are correct in what you can see coming, and yes, it is very annoying… a veggie Big Mac!

My original plan was to remove the beef patty from the Big Mac, replacing it with a vegetable burger. This could not be done. I therefore added cheese and gherkins – an integral part of any Big Mac – to the Spicy Veggie Deluxe. This worked surprisingly well and was ordered alongside vegetarian fries and vegetarian fruit smoothie. A large meal, supposedly (see below).

If I was still a carnivore, this whole thing would enrage me, so much that I would be forced to write a long blog about it. Look, Sean, you either eat animals or you don’t! You can’t have your (beef)cake and eat it!

When is a Big Mac not a Big Mac?

Where’s the rest of my smoothie?