There are three certainties in life – death, taxes and that on the first cold snap of the year, your boiler will pack in.
Luckily, we make monthly contributions to the British Gas Board of Directors Christmas Party Fund. In return, they send somebody out to fix our boiler, when it breaks.
I must admit, I was a little disappointed when the gas man turned up. I’ve seen the TV adverts and was expecting this…
This was not what I got. There wasn’t much wrong with the engineer. Your typical manual labourer – middle aged, balding and with an arse crack which kept appearing at the top of his trousers, every time he bent over.
The problem was the bloody penguin he brought with him. It had no coat or backpack, like on the advert. Plus, the poor creature must have been petrified, as it wouldn’t stop screeching. It also shat everywhere.
The gas man stayed in our front room for almost two hours. The boiler fault must have been difficult to fix, or he was just a big Jeff Stelling fan and was dragging the job out, as Claire and I were watching Soccer Ssturday at the time.
The front panel was taken off the boiler, which suggested all was not well. Either that or he just removed the cover for effect. Before leaving to collect a part from his van, he did warn us that there were live wires on display – which is exactly what a gas man wishing to exaggerate the seriousness of a fault would say.
I was actually glad it took him so long. Had he just turned up and told us that we had forgotten to plug the boiler in, or something equally stupid, I’d have felt like a right tit!
Despite having a builder’s bum and a shitting Pingu, the gas man did a great job. Not only did he restore our heating, but he gave us a new toy – a fancy remote control for the boiler. Who needs Red Dead Redemption 2, when you can increase the room temperature from 22 to 24 degrees Celsius, from the comfort of your sofa! Christmas has come early.
I may have only juat returned work, following a 5 month absence, but I am already plotting a way to get away early…*
The video game, Red Dead Redemption 2, is out today and I can’t wait to play it. The last time I was this excited about a game’s release date was Grand Theft Auto 4. I went to Asda to collect it at midnight. The only reason that I am not doing the same with RDR2, is because… I am now married, I now have a life, I now enjoy sleep and I am now no longer a virgin.
Just to emphasise just how excited I am about the game – I pre ordered it from Amazon in 2016. All those nerds who queued in Asda last night are now saying that I have “out-geeked” them – and they would be right.
The prized game will no doubt arrive while I am at work. It’ll be a long wait until 4.30pm, when I finish for the weekend.
I therefore need an lie, I mean EXCUSE, so that I can leave the office early…
- Tell everyone that I have to attend a clinic for genital warts.
- Make up an elderly relative who I am very close to, just never mentioned. Then say that they’ve unexpectedly died.
- Say that I am needed in an emergency, in my second job – a male prostitute.
- If the above fails, actually soil myself.
- My mate Tommy Robinson needs me to be his character witness in court.
- The “second job” excuse again. This time, a dog sperm collector.
- My rabbit has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
- My neighbour’s dog has a rash all over his body and needs to go to the vets this afternoon.
- I have a rash all over my body and need to go to the vets this afternoon.
- I had relations last night and need to collect a morning after pill.
- My cryogenic freezer is going to be delivered today.
- I am getting married this afternoon.
- I am in court for bigamy this afternoon.
- I’ve left the gas on.
- I’ve left the electric fire on.
- I’ve left the freezer on.
- I kneed 2 go 2 a klass 2 inprove mi Inglish
- My head hurts.
- My hair hurts.
- My toe nails hurt.
- My horse needs to be taken to some water and made to drink.
- I am on the run and have a $10,000 bounty on my head.**
- I need to collect my sedation pills.
- I really need to collect my sedation pills.
- I F***ING NEED MY F***ING PILLS, RIGHT F***ING NOW.
- I am going to win the lottery tomorrow and need to collect my winnings.
- I have a trial at Liverpool.
- I’m on trial in Liverpool.
- My grandmother needs me now. She wants me to show her how to suck eggs.
* in case any of my colleagues are reading this, firstly GET BACK TO WORK! Secondly, of course I’m not really planning on ways to bunk off early! I’m far too gutless for that.
Hurry up, Pat, or Jess gets it!
I’ve supported Leeds long enough to know that it’ll all come tumbling down. It’s more a case of “when”, as opposed to “if”.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
