This year, I have blogged for you all 188 times – this will be the 189th. You’re welcome. Feel free to thank me with chocolate, sweets, PlayStation 4 games and money. I accept PayPal.
If you haven’t been following my blog this year, fear not – here is a summary of 2019…
Happy New Year.
January
- Like everyone does every year and will be doing tomorrow, I made a New Year’s Resolution. Mine was to blog more. I blogged just 78 times in 2017, so, remarkably, I stuck to it!
- I became far too excited – or X-cited – about the new season of X Files. Such a geek.
- A former Bath City player scored against Leeds in the FA Cup. Who hasn’t?
- We bought something amazing for our new house – a dishwasher!
- I won the lottery. Kind of.
- Leeds managed to humiliate their fans on a massive scale (again), with an appalling new badge.
- I lost and eventually found my prized autographs.
February
- Clips of Red Dead Redemption 2 were released. That game didn’t amount to anything in the end.
- One of the best culinary creations ever went on sale at Morrisons – the Yorkshire Pudding Pizza. You can no longer buy these. No idea why.
- I showed off the wonderful view from the bedroom window of our (then) new house.
- Some girl’s hamster met an untimely end.
- There was some very sad news, about a former Leeds player.
- The hygiene habits of fellow diners upset me so much, it drove me to blog.
- I declared a ceasefire in my war against a supermarket.
- The residents of Bath lost their minds over the local wildlife.
- The weather became very cold…
March
- … and colder still.
- So much so, all my blogs for March were about snow, snow and more snow.
April
- I made two life changing additions to my life. A mobility scooter…
- and better still – a house rabbit named Roman!
May
- I got distracted by blogging, by this little cherub.
- There was a rat on my decking, what was I going to do? Not play a UB40 record.
June
Zero blogs this month – and with very good reason…
I was signed off sick from work in May. I had felt rotten for months and everything came to a head one day, when I decided I could no longer cope, physically or mentally. I initially thought that the stresses of moving, five months earlier, were a contributory factor, with rest and relaxation being the best cure.
It turns out that things were a lot more sinister than just being run down. As the weeks off work continued, my health worsened. Everyday tasks, some as simple as eating, became a huge effort. It was at that point, I was admitted to hospital…
July
- I revealed all, in what I feel was one of the most personal blog posts I have ever written.
- While in hospital, I became very upset with the physiotherapists.
- I returned home from hospital, but remarkably England were yet to return home from the World Cup.
- The weather became horrendously hot.
- I discovered the joys of hospital transport.
- Another sticker album for an international football tournament was finished.
August
- Roman lost his manhood and wasn’t well as a result.
- He got his revenge a few days later.
- I used my time off work productively, by watching lots of television.
- Roman’s behaviour got worse.
- I received a large financial payout.
- The first spider of the year was spotted. Sadly, not the last.
- We discovered he joys of Deliveroo.
September
- Our bathroom received a makeover – going from this to this.
- We were supposed to be on holiday 🙁
- I became a spy…
- … a vegetarian spy!
- Despite turning veggie, I still hunted spiders.
- I had my first haircut in months.
- Roman became the most spoilt rabbit in the world.
- I wrote a huge blog on McDonalds. Such a weirdo.
October
- Roman was placed on a (forced) diet.
- I revealed 10 of my greatest secrets…
- … as well as listing things that make me happy.
- A Leeds player said a naughty word.
- My new-found vegetarianism caused problems for the staff at McDonalds.
- We discovered the reasons behind Roman’s weight gain and bad behaviour.
- Our household was rocked by the third spider attack of the year.
- I developed a drug problem…
- … but managed to return to work, after sickness.
- I won a prize!
- The McDonalds staff had their revenge.
- I got really excited over a video game (it’s not JUST a video game!).
- Our boiler broke on a freezing cold day. Typical.
- There was tragic news from Leicester.
- I embraced the autumnal evenings.
November
- I got up close and personal with Roman.
- The annual firework displays passed, without causing our bunny any stress.
- Harry Redknapp entered ‘The Jungle‘.
- Our house was invaded by yet MORE spiders!
- I had a bad morning.
- I declared war on Virgin Media.
- I had more fun as a hospital outpatient.
- I reminded myself why I don’t go to supermarkets.
December
- My wife joined me in the 30’s Club.
- We did some cooking, which didn’t involve a microwave.
- Somehow I was persuaded to visit another supermarket.
- The country went bonkers over Brexit.
- I realised that I was taking Red Dead Redemption 2 a little too seriously.
- Leeds United’s success started to worry me. Don’t worry – they’ve since lost.
- I finally completed RDR2.
- Roman dressed up for Christmas.
- Those pesky spiders continued to terrorise us…
- … and Roman got a new job.
I am so proud of Roman.
Today he started his new job, on an IT Helpdesk.
You’ll recall that I recently blogged about the possibility of the top 5 divisions in English football, all having champions starting with the letter ‘L’.
Well, I have the discovered an even greater and geekier stat. Brace yourselves…
The last time that Liverpool won the top flight, Leeds won the second division and Bath City got promoted to the Conference.
Currently Liverpool and Leeds sit top of their leagues, while Bath City are just outside the promotion play offs.
You know what this means? Bath City will finish midtable; Leeds will bottle it, losing in the play offs, and Manchester City will win the Premier League.
LEEDS UNITED. SECOND DIVISION CHAMPIONS 1989/90
We’ve just got into bed. A little later than planned. About an hour ago and prepared to carry out the final duty of the day, we put Roman back into his cage. Claire was studying a mark on our ceiling. It was then I noticed it. A huge spider on the wall…
What the hell was it doing? I’ve been through this before – spiders of that enormity are only allowed to make themselves known in September and failing that, JRR Tolkien novels.
The spider was so high up the wall, that Claire was unable to remove it using her usual humane technique, involving a coffee jar and small book.
I am an arachnophobic, so was hardly going to act like the brave husband and catch the creature with my bare hands. That’s if I could have even reached above the light switch, let alone to the spider’s high-rise lair.
Our neighbour must have been concerned about the noise, as there was a lot of girly shrieks – mostly from me. These caused our pet rabbit, Roman – helpful as ever – to stop eating his favourite treat of dried mango, to stare at Claire and me, with a look as if to say “Oh my God! You are so embarassing! You are not my bunny parents”. Well, he is a teenager in rabbit years, so that kind of behaviour and disdain towards the hands which feed him, is to be expected.
I told Claire in no uncertain terms, that we had three choices, as to how to deal with the spider – attack it with bug spray – suck it up with the vacuum cleaner – ignore it and go to bed. Granted, the latter wasn’t my preferred option, but I didn’t want force my wife into battle, while shirking my own duties.
Additionally, if we were to take the bug spray or vacuum cleaner option, it would almost certainly result in the demise of the spider, and I didn’t want to solely take responsibility for the death of a living creature.
We decided to use our weapon of choice. Everyone has their favourite – James Bond the Walther PPK, Indiana Jones the lasso, while Donald Trump goes for the big red button. We have a Dyson vacuum cleaner. We have used it in many a battle against spiders, with a 25% success rate. So reliable. Plus, I think its creator, James Dyson, lives in Bath, so if it ever fails, we can send the boys round… and ask him very politely if he would kindly repair the vacuum cleaner for us, as the warranty has expired. If he declines, we will apologise for wasting his valuble time, before promptly vacating his property.
The vacuum cleaner approach failed. Again. Upon spotting the Dyson, the spider made a run for it, back into a hole in the wall. Honestly, it’s pathetic – Henry Hoover eats spiders for breakfast! It was time to go for Plan B – chemical warfare…
Claire sprayed Raid insect killer into the spider’s den. Long-term readers of my blog will know that I swear by the stuff. Mainly something along the lines of, “You f**king spray! You had better kill that spider c**t!”
It was only when Claire started to look for the creature, post-spray, that she saw it on the wall! I’ve seen enough Freddy Kruger movies to know that you NEVER return to the home of the killer, once they’ve apparently been destroyed. I don’t think Claire has seen any of Wes Craven’s work, which would explain her error of judgement.
After some more screaming and shouting, Claire reached for the previously failed Dyson and attacked with all its suction. The spider flew up the tube.
Despite leaving the vacuum cleaner running for a minute, we wanted to satisfy ourselves that the spider had been captured – dead or alive, we weren’t fussy. Once the suction had been turned off, we inspected the Dyson. There was no sign of the spider!
Without wanting to sound gruesome, it was probably smashed into dust, by the force of the vacuum. But just imagine if it hadn’t? Imagine if it was a superhero spider, who hung onto the tube, withstanding the great force of the suction. Tonight, it’ll crawl out and kill the two of us, in our sleep.
If this is my last blog post, it’s been a pleasure, but all good things must come to an end.
Across my lifetime, I don’t think that I have ever found a bargain or something worth having, in a shop’s sale – that includes Black Friday, Festive promotions and those DFS sales, which seem to be in place, every day of the year.
This changed today, when I found a PlayStation Classic, reduced from £90 to £50. I won’t give the seller’s name away, but will give you a clue… they have been in the news a lot lately, for not paying tax – and no, I didn’t buy the console from Gary Barlow.
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
