Things are getting horrendous when it comes to my health and Leeds United. I worry for my sanity and don’t think I can survive for the rest of the football season.

Just look at this…

It is, of course, the Championship table, as things stand this evening.

Looks great, doesn’t it? Great as far as Leeds’ promotion chances go (they need to finish 1st or 2nd to guarantee “going up”).

As far as my heart, brain and probably every other organ within my body is concerned, Leeds United are wrecking havoc.

It was early evening when Leeds kicked off and, just for a change, the match was broadcast on Sky. However, my problems started earlier in the day, when promotion rivals, Sheffield United, dropped points against Millwall.

Following updates on the Millwall game, nearly killed me; meaning I was lucky to still be here, when it was Leeds’ chance to play. Sheffield United scored (unsurprisingly), before Millwall missed a late penalty, which caused me to use language that would offend a docker. It would be the final minute of the game, however, when Millwall would score, and therefore deny Leeds’ rivals a priceless victory. Funnily enough, I am sure more Leeds fans celebrated that Millwall goal, worldwide, than actual Millwall supporters. I certainly did – by using further docker-offending profanities.

With Sheffield United drawing, it was time for the main event…

Leeds were playing Sheffield Wednesday, who, just so happen to really hate Sheffield United. I was hoping that the Wednesday players would roll over and have their tummies tickled, in order to feck up United’s season. They didn’t. Luckily, Leeds managed to play well enough to score a real-life, genuine goal, against Wednesday!

Then things became scary. I’ve blogged about this before – I can cope when Leeds are drawing or losing. It’s when they’re winning that I fall to bits. My theory is that when winning, there is a lot more at steak and to lose, than if my team were simply getting beat. Anyway – back to the scary stuff…

No word of a lie – I spent the final 10 minutes of today’s Leeds game, hugging a cushion and rocking from side to side; letting out wimpers and shrieks, whenever the opposition (Sheffield Wednesday) came anywhere close to posing a threat. This isn’t normal behaviour, surely?

Reading accounts from fellow supporters, displaying behaviour normally associated with that of a severe mental illness, is very much commonplace at the moment.

So, there we have it. My nerves are shot to bits. At least it will all be over in less than a month. In the meantime, I have my trusty Peter Rabbit cushion to rock with, when Leeds are fucking with my head.

To get things into perspective, help me sleep and avoid eating my fingers, hand and wrist – after consuming all my nails – here is the situation Leeds are in…

• Leeds have 82 points. Sheffield United, 79, and Norwich 85, but I’ve given up on catching them.
• There are just 4 games left to play. So far, all teams concerned have played 42.
• Obviously, it’s 3 points for a win, 1 for a draw.
• After 46 games, the team that ends the season highest – Sheffield United or Leeds – will win promotion to the Premier League.
• The team left over enters the Play Offs. That is unthinkable and should Leeds find themselves in that situation, will lose in the most humiliating fashion. It is a mathematical certainty.
• I stand by my prediction, which I have held all season, that Leeds will find a way to mess things up BIG STYLE!

Anyone who doubts Leeds United’s play off record and chance of success, should refer to the 90’s movie, Titanic – ensuring to use the ill-fated ship as a metaphor for the ill-fated football club.