Things are getting horrendous when it comes to my health and Leeds United. I worry for my sanity and don’t think I can survive for the rest of the football season.
Just look at this…
It is, of course, the Championship table, as things stand this evening.
Looks great, doesn’t it? Great as far as Leeds’ promotion chances go (they need to finish 1st or 2nd to guarantee “going up”).
As far as my heart, brain and probably every other organ within my body is concerned, Leeds United are wrecking havoc.
It was early evening when Leeds kicked off and, just for a change, the match was broadcast on Sky. However, my problems started earlier in the day, when promotion rivals, Sheffield United, dropped points against Millwall.
Following updates on the Millwall game, nearly killed me; meaning I was lucky to still be here, when it was Leeds’ chance to play. Sheffield United scored (unsurprisingly), before Millwall missed a late penalty, which caused me to use language that would offend a docker. It would be the final minute of the game, however, when Millwall would score, and therefore deny Leeds’ rivals a priceless victory. Funnily enough, I am sure more Leeds fans celebrated that Millwall goal, worldwide, than actual Millwall supporters. I certainly did – by using further docker-offending profanities.
With Sheffield United drawing, it was time for the main event…
Leeds were playing Sheffield Wednesday, who, just so happen to really hate Sheffield United. I was hoping that the Wednesday players would roll over and have their tummies tickled, in order to feck up United’s season. They didn’t. Luckily, Leeds managed to play well enough to score a real-life, genuine goal, against Wednesday!
Then things became scary. I’ve blogged about this before – I can cope when Leeds are drawing or losing. It’s when they’re winning that I fall to bits. My theory is that when winning, there is a lot more at steak and to lose, than if my team were simply getting beat. Anyway – back to the scary stuff…
No word of a lie – I spent the final 10 minutes of today’s Leeds game, hugging a cushion and rocking from side to side; letting out wimpers and shrieks, whenever the opposition (Sheffield Wednesday) came anywhere close to posing a threat. This isn’t normal behaviour, surely?
Reading accounts from fellow supporters, displaying behaviour normally associated with that of a severe mental illness, is very much commonplace at the moment.
So, there we have it. My nerves are shot to bits. At least it will all be over in less than a month. In the meantime, I have my trusty Peter Rabbit cushion to rock with, when Leeds are fucking with my head.
To get things into perspective, help me sleep and avoid eating my fingers, hand and wrist – after consuming all my nails – here is the situation Leeds are in…
- Leeds have 82 points. Sheffield United, 79, and Norwich 85, but I’ve given up on catching them.
- There are just 4 games left to play. So far, all teams concerned have played 42.
- Obviously, it’s 3 points for a win, 1 for a draw.
- After 46 games, the team that ends the season highest – Sheffield United or Leeds – will win promotion to the Premier League.
- The team left over enters the Play Offs. That is unthinkable and should Leeds find themselves in that situation, will lose in the most humiliating fashion. It is a mathematical certainty.
- I stand by my prediction, which I have held all season, that Leeds will find a way to mess things up BIG STYLE!
Anyone who doubts Leeds United’s play off record and chance of success, should refer to the 90’s movie, Titanic – ensuring to use the ill-fated ship as a metaphor for the ill-fated football club.
I hate that new Strongbow advert. The one where happy people gather in a warm, inviting-looking pub, to listen to live music, from that world-renowned duo, Rob and Chris.
It’s not the pub, people or music that I despise. Cheesiness aside, it’s all rather nice. What isn’t nice, is Strongbow cider.
I rarely drink, these days. In fact, I am practically teetotal. However, when I was partial to a cider, I would always steer clear of Strongbow.
As far as commercial ciders went, I had some clear favourites…
- Sheppys
- Thatchers
- Westons
These were the “proper” ciders, in which you could actually taste the apple. Believe it or not, despite modern ciders being made from cherry, banana, toffee and Marmite, it was traditionally made from apple!
Then you had the fashionable ciders – Bulmers and Magners. The fact that these drinks are traditionally served over ice, when real cider traditionally is not, should set alarm bells ringing.
Right at the bottom of the cider chart is White Lightning, White Stripe, White Rat (probably). Basically, any cider which calls itself “white” is better suited (and safer) as a drain cleaner than a beverage.
So where, in my opinion – and for legal reasons I must stress that this blog post is entirely my opinion – does Strongbow fit in?
Luckily for Robert and Christopher, I would place it higher than the “White Shite” variety. Although, sadly for the boys, that is all. I would rather drink a sacralidge pint of Bulmers over ice, than go anywhere near a Strongbow.
I always thought of Strongbow as a drink enjoyed by students and middle-class fake chavs. Middle-class chavs, because your traditional chav can only afford white-shite cider. Thanks to the bank of mummy and daddy, fake chavs have the finances to buy a more expensive, higher quality – or rather, “less shit” – cider.
You’ll therefore find fake chavs loitering on street corners – bottle of drink in one hand, self-rolled cigarette in another; trying to behave like Tinhead from a 1997 episode of Brookside, but instead looking like Walter from The Beano.
You won’t find students or fake chavs, in a nice pub, listening to Rob and Chris…
… and that is my very long-winded way of explaining why I dislike the Strongbow advert so much.
I’ll just need to remind any lawyers reading my blog, this is all just my opinion and not based on fact. What do I know anyway? I don’t even drink. For all I know, Strongbow may taste great. Heck, Prince Harry probably served it at his wedding.
… this would look wonderful, sat above it.
Today is a special day. It marks exactly one year since I visited a pet shop in Bristol and returned home with our little superstar, Roman.
Yesterday, we let him have a free run of our front room – as we have found ourselves doing most days. During his latest run around, the postwoman delivered my Yeo Valley order.
While Claire and I were happy with the biscuit tin and drinks bottle, Roman was ecstatic with a cardboard box, which was used to transport the Yeo goodies.
I would like to say that one of us gave the box to Roman, which he gratefully accepted. In reality, however, I think he stole it from us, and the only reason we didn’t take it back was because we admired his opportunist approach!
Either way, he was loving his new toy…
Predictably, he lost his box – shhhh… over the edge of the sofa!
All the fun and games tired the little bunny out. He fell asleep next to me, while I watched Four in a Bed.
This football season is going to kill me…
The battle between Leeds and Sheffield United, for second place and promotion, seems to be becoming more intense with each game.
Every time Leeds appear to have blown any chance of promotion, Sheffield respond a few days later, by messing up themselves and thus giving advantage back to Leeds.
It has got to the stage where I dread match days. I hate them. Far from the “entertainment”, football is meant to be, it is one of the most stressful experiences I have had to deal with – and I have had more than my share of stress in my life!
Such are my anxiety levels whenever Leeds or Sheffield United play, that I have taken to turning off the television and closing all mobile apps, capable of displaying the latest score.
I take the attitude of “if I don’t know what’s happening, it’s not happening” and promise myself that I will avoid any contact with the outside world until the match is scheduled to end.
Of course, curiosity always gets the better of me, and I find myself checking the score – something I always regret – even if Leeds are winning… especially if Leeds are winning, due to my nervous disposition!
So, next time you see Leeds or Sheffield United are playing, spare a thought for me. Mercifully, there are just 5 games left – unless Leeds fail to get 2nd place and are forced to enter the play offs, which feature another 2 or 3 matches.
Should that happen, you will find me in a darkened room, with padded walls, sat on a bed, rocking back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and….
About Me
So you stumbled across my blog. No doubt after searching for something bizarre on Google. Before you hit that 'Back Button', why not stay and have a read for a few minutes?
If you are after a website which gives advice on how to hack an iPhone X, download the latest Steven Seagal movie, or view nudy ladies, you've come to the wrong place and may now press 'Back'.
However, if you would like a lifestyle blog, written by a 30-something chap, living in Bath (England), feast your eyes on this.
You won't discover how to copy PlayStation 4 games. What you will find is a blog, covering life in the West Country, the highs and lows of supporting two unsuccessful football teams, while sharing a house with a wife and rabbit.
All written by a man, somewhere on the sanity-scale between normal and eccentric.
