It is with happiness and surprise that I am now in a position to report my missing parcel has been found! There was me thinking Hermes had lost or eaten it.

Of course, as this was Hermes, things were not simple…

• Last night, I received an alert, advising that my parcel would be delivered between 7 and 9pm. Did I mention the email arrived well after 8pm? I’ll give you one guess as to whether or not Hermes managed to deliver…
• Anyone who guessed that Hermes delivered my parcel before the 9pm television watershed, go and have a look at the IQ Test I found last month. You’re stupid!
• If you worked out that Hermes were a bunch of shit-houses and didn’t bother with last night’s delivery, well done. Although don’t feel too chuffed – it’s hardly rocket science.

• I did finally get my parcel! Woo-hoo! My box of crap Leeds United merchandise arrived this morning. I was in work, while Claire had a day off.

• I am told by my wife, that a Hermes courier posted a card through our letterbox. Unfortunately, the card wasn’t of the ‘apology’ variety, with money in the envelope – although given the rubbish service Hermes provided, such a gesture would be the very least the courier could have done!
• The card may as well have said ‘F**K YOU’. It advised that a delivery attempt had been made and my parcel had been left in a safe place…
• Firstly, the doorbell was not rung and there was no knock on the door. How is that a delivery attempt? It was a lie. Claire looked out of the window, to see a courier escaping down our path to his car. Maybe his underwear was getting a bit hot and he needed to put a fire out?
• Secondly, the parcel was left outside, in the rain, in full view of the street. Hardly a safe place. Liar, liar, pants on fire.
• That said, there is a strong argument that leaving my package open to the elements and the local thieves, is a safer place than it remaining with a Hermes courier for a minute longer!