WARNING: THIS BLOG POST CONTAINS EXTREMELY STRONG PORNOGRAPHY. READERS WHO ARE EASILY OFFENDED ARE ADVISED TO LEAVE THIS WEBSITE BY CLICKING HERE. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

This is EastEnders legend Frank Butcher (don’t worry, the porn in no way involves him!). Frank was played by Mike Read. Sadly, both Frank and Mike are no longer with us.

I haven’t watched EastEnders for over 15 years, but I do remember Frank for running a used car garage, where he would sell dodgy motors to unsuspecting old women and gangland mobsters. He was a typical cockney geezer.

Why am I writing about Frank? Well, in the same way that he would con Ethel out of her pension, she had put aside to spend on Willy, (her dog, you sick-minded so and so), I too have fallen victim to a wheeler dealer…

There are, in fact, two cowboys who have targeted me. Unlike Mr Butcher, these dodgy salesmen don’t operate out of a small portacabin, which leaks when it rains.

One is probably the biggest retailer in the world. The other is one of the largest football clubs in the country. I am talking about Amazon and Leeds United.

Let’s start with Amazon. If you follow their activities in the news, you’ll know that they are hardly whiter than white. In fact, if you were to examine their metaphorical underpants, I am sure you would find some nasty skidmarks, that even Daz washing powder would struggle to remove. I am referring to their tax avoidance.

Tax avoidance is the legal way of paying less tax – unlike evasion, which is illegal and something Amazon are definitely not involved with. However, ask yourself – “just because something is not against the law, does it make it right?” That subject is for another blog post (which I will never get round to).

Moving on from Amazon’s tax issues and $11billion profit, to something a lot more important – my missing parcel. I placed a preorder for a Hannibal Lecter Funko Head. If you don’t know what a “Funko Head” is, it’s basically a toy for adults – and NO – not one of those “toys”. Bloody hell – your warped mind. I blogged about one of my toys a few years ago.

Amazon totally cocked up the delivery date and appointed UPS to transfer Hannibal from their Swindon warehouse to my home. Anyone who has seen The Silence of the Lambs will know that Dr Lecter doesnt travel well – and I don’t mean he suffers from motion sickness.

Luckily for the UPS driver, Hannibal didn’t escape and eat his face, like in the movie. Unluckily for me, my Funko Head was taken to a shop in Twerton, 3 miles away from where Iive. What did they expect? For me to just hop on my mobility scooter and ride to this mystery shop on the other side of town? Well, yes, actually.

As cockney Frank Butcher would say “YOU’RE HAVING A GIRAFFE!”

The second offender to shamefully rip me off was a loved one. Now that hurts. Sometimes I feel that this loved one just doesn’t realise how much I care for them – they certainly don’t reciprocate the affection. I am, of course, referring to Leeds United. The football club I have bitched and moaned about, throughout every one of my blog’s 15+ years on the internet.

If you have been reading my blog recently, you will know that I have been waiting for a matchday programme to be delivered. I initially blamed Postman Pat. Pat, I’m sorry…

By way of an apology, I did buy Pat a gift. Unfortunately something went wrong…

The reason I had not received the programme, was because it was never bloody sent! Honestly, Leeds United is like a rubbish boyfriend. He constantly promises you the world, but always finds a way to let you down. I am subjected to applauding emotional abuse. The only thing the bastard hasn’t done is hit me – although give that time – whenever I next get to go to a Leeds game, I am sure I’ll end up getting smashed in the face by a wayward ball.

I sent Leeds lots of love letters, I mean emails, asking about the missing programme. They blocked my email address. I’m fecking serious. I am blocked, like a dirty spammer.

Luckily, I still own my trusty pre-2004 Yahoo Mail account. I used this before GMail became a thing. Yahoo Mail was crap back at the turn of the millennium and it is still crap now. In fact, I think it has become worse!

I used this geriatric email address to further ‘spam’ the club, asking what was going on and where the hell my programme was. I also messaged the Supporters Liaison Officer. I don’t really know what they do, but they sounded helpful and once sent me a signed photo of the team.

Guess what? I have had no response from the club. As cockney Frank Butcher would shout “YOU’RE HAVING A BUBBLE BATH!”

Now this is where the hardcore porn comes in…

If you don’t want to see this extremely graphic photo, leave now…

I’m warning you…

Don’t say that I didn’t warn you…

Seriously, this is sick, sick stuff…

Twisted and vile…

Depraved…

OK, you’ve been warned. Prepare to see your last meal, as you puke onto your keyboard or smartphone…

“YOU’RE HAVING A BUBBLE BATH!”

If you are still with me and haven’t choked on your own vomit, well done. Foul stuff, wasnt it?

What can I say? Leeds United drove me to it.

There is a little epilogue to my tale of woe and it is good news!

I am now a happy owner of the two latest Leeds United matchday programmes. The one which originally went AWOL was sent to me by the Liaison Officer. Yesterday, I arrived home from work to discover the second programme sitting on where my doormat would be, if I owned a doormat – basically, it came through the letterbox.

Well done, Leeds United. You did good. Eventually…

As for Amazon and Dr Lecter – apparently he is in a white van, on his way to me at some point today. That is unless he escapes again.

Oh, just to let you know that by reading his highly pornographic blog, you have infected your browsing device with the most awful spyware, malware, ransomware and underwear.

Basically, I’ve stolen all your data. To get it back, you must pay me…