I have been sans voice all week. Something I am sure has brought annoyance and joy to people I know in equal numbers.

Many of my work colleagues, while sympathetic, took amusement in my ailment and questioned if my voice had broken again. Considering a delivery man called me “love” twice last weekend (he heard me, but didn’t see me), maybe I could do with dropping a few octaves.

I have been getting my words out by whispering or shouting; although when I do try and raise my voice, I am barely able to rise above the decibels of a sneezing gnat.

When I am not bellowing like an earthworm, I have discovered that another means of communication is to write down what I would like to say, using my mobile phone or a computer, should I find myself sat in front of one.

One of those text-to-speech contraptions would certainly be helpful right now. I am, however, aware that this would effectively turn me into Stephen Hawking. I already get around on wheels, I wear glasses and share his IQ score.

That said, there is one major difference – I don’t wish to sound morbid, but fear it will be impossible – I am not dead. While he was alive, I think Professor Hawking’s reasons for not talking, were a tad more complex than a bout of laryngitis.

I am doped up on cough pastilles and Strepsils. An Olbas Oil nasal stick has been giving me a major head rush, everytime I stick it up my snout. If they ever make a Trainspotting 3, the druggies should throw their heroin in the dustbin and move onto the harder stuff – Olbas Oil.

I have even been prescribed antibiotics, under strict instructions only to take if I become more unwell. Mercifully, the antibiotics remain unopened.

Normally I wouldn’t be too bothered about losing my voice for a few days. It’s rather nice to be a mute for a little bit and is a fabulous excuse to avoid talking to people, who I would rather not engage with.

This time, however, I would quite like to regain the use of my vocal chords. I have an important event to attend in the next few days – one I need my voice for. All will become clear soon, but I can confirm that despite the rumours, I am not auditioning for X Factor.