Awoke this morning as the ship was navigating itself into port within the beautiful city of Funchal, Madeira.

Claire had already woken up, had flung open the cabin curtains and was stood on the balcony. I preferred my view from the bed.

A picturesque-looking town, built into a landscape with very tall hills, capped with clouds.

There was a constant noise of traffic, which did surprise me. I was expecting a more rustic and traditional atmosphere.

After a quick, buffet breakfast we left the ship, heading down a gangway, with help from some very helpful stewards.

I enjoyed the weather. The sun was out and was warm enough to make you feel like you were on your summer holiday, but without boiling you alive.

The city centre was almost two miles from the cruise terminal and considering the majority of the streets were cobbled, which are not the easiest of surfaces to drive across on a mobility scooter, we chose to give the shops and cafes a miss.

Headed towards the Cristiano Ronaldo museum – apparently a short walk from the terminal. This short walk seemed to go on and on for what seemed like forever. The condition of the streets didn’t help, although the real problem for me and my poor battered scooter, was the dropped kerbs, or lack of any. While back home a dropped kerb is a small, tidy incline in the pavement, the equivalent in Madeira is where part of an existing kerb has simply cracked and worn away.

We bravely perceived with our trek, although eventually surrendered to the mean streets of Maderia. A visit to Museu CR7 would have to wait for another day, which will almost certainly be never.

I was quite pleased anyway. As a supporter of Leeds United and the England national team, I would feel rather dirty visiting a museum solely about a man I could easily place in my Top 5 Most Despised Footballers of All Time. I would have returned back to the ship, only to spend the entire afternoon in the shower, scrubbing my skin until it became red raw and I felt sanitised

The man has a statue of himself! Granted it doesn’t look anything like him, but I would have probably ended up vomiting everywhere, had I ventured inside, and considering I hadn’t come equipped with any P&O sick bags, it could have all made for a difficult situation.

Ahem. Sorry about that. I may have gone off on a tangent there. You may have picked up that I don’t like Cristiano Ronaldo very much. Nothing personal, Ronnie.

Spent a couple of hours on our balcony, trying to suck up some rays from the sun, which was timidly hiding behind the clouds. I was happy, anyway. It meant that I didn’t get too hot.

Having totally skipped lunch, we left our cabin mid-afternoon, heading for the buffet, where afternoon tea was being served.

Claire braved the buffet itself, choosing to brave our fellow cruisers, while I stayed behind and fought to keep the table we had selected to eat from. I nearly lost it to an older woman who placed her tray and plates, piled with food, in front of me. When I made it clear that I was not going to budge, her almost certainly long-suffering husband, ushered her away. She moved on, but not before scowling at me. Very odd behaviour. I had been at the table before she arrived and just because I was sat on a mobility scooter or have food in front of me, I hardly see it as a fair reason to be ejected.

Claire returned with food, informing me it was insane in the buffet. I could well believe it. As a result, it was decided she would not return for tea and coffee.

Having eaten our full on a makeshift meal of cake, we took the lift to a lower deck, where we attempted to buy hot drinks from a Costa coffee bar. It was as crazy on the lower decks as it had been at the buffet. As soon as we had been handed our drinks in takeaway mugs, we sped back to our cabin.

Spent the final hours of the afternoon back on the balcony, as the crew prepared to leave. It would appear that some passengers had not managed to return to the ship, as repeat messages were sounded over the tannoy, asking “David and Angela Blight to telephone reception”. I don’t know whether Mr and Mrs Blight did telephone the reception. I hope for their sake they did, otherwise it’ll be a night in Madeira for them.

Returned to the Havana bar this evening to watch Jon Clegg’s final performance of the cruise. What a contrast to Sunday night! His first act left me wondering what all the fuss was about. This evening, he was fantastic. His jokes were new and very funny, with the impressions superb.

It’s funny how different people receive and interpret comedy. While Sunday’s performance left me feeling uninspired, Claire found Jon Clegg hilarious. After this evening’s act had finished, I was left raving to my wife about how great it had been. Expecting Claire to agree, I was surprised when she told me that she thought it wasn’t as good as the first night.

Returned straight to the cabin after the performance. We had not eaten an evening meal, so ordered a few light dishes to enjoy before bed and stop us waking up at 3am feeling hungry.

Debate as to whether or not we should tip for room service. On past cruises, we have tipped crew members at the end of our holiday, who have been particularly helpful – for example, our cabin steward and sometimes restaurant staff. It wasn’t until Claire mentioned it, that we even though about tipping for room service. If we did, how much? Claire initially thought 5 Euros. But our order was only 11€. Was 2€ too low and potentially insulting? What was the etiquette? In the end, we chickened out, deciding to be mean and not tip. Should we order room service on one of the final couple of days (almost certain), then we will show our gratitude, with a final “thank you”. Oh, and it’ll be more than 2 Euros!

I ordered Nachos – after enjoying them so much yesterday. What was delivered was a presentation box, filled with lots of nibbles. We ate our meal in a low lit bedroom – because of this, and due to the fact I haven’t eaten carrots or visited an opticians for a while – I thought the snack in the top left of the tray was cheese. It wasn’t until much later, when told by Claire, that I realised it was, in fact, rice.

I must admit, I did find the “cheese” to be very mild in flavour. It also puzzled me as to why this strange cheese didn’t melt. The fact it was RICE explains a lot. At least my mistake was able to amuse Claire, more than Jon Clegg this evening.

Enjoyed a meal in the cabin last night, courtesy of the ship’s room service. On all our previous cruises, this was once a free perk, but now that once welcome and often overused luxury has sailed. Thankfully, breakfast remains complementary.

Despite having to pay, Claire and I enjoyed our meals – ordering veggie burger and pizza respectively.

After eating our full, we walked/rode from our cabin to Havana – one of the many bars onboard Ventura. As mentioned earlier, the comedian/impressionist Jon Clegg was performing. Jon made it all the way to the final of Britain’s Got Talent in 2014 and in his own words, is still milking the accolade five years later.

The bar filled up, with many cruisers hoping to see the man who almost won a talent competition half a decade ago. You can judge how in awe I was, by the fact I am an autograph collector and didn’t bother to ask for his squiggle, despite having a pen in my possession. I suppose I have highly standards when it comes to celebrities these days. You’re nobody if you’re not Marcelo Bielsa.

I’m being very mean. While Jon’s act started slowly, it continued to build, throughout the performance and by the closing routine – a medley of impressions, classic and modern – he had the audience in eating out of his hands.

Time will tell if Jon left a good impression. He has two further shows across the next couple of days. If he attracts another full bar, he can consider his act a job well done.

We will almost certainly attend Tuesday evening’s show, although will have to give tonight’s a miss – considering it doesn’t start until 11.45pm!

Awoke early this morning – by our standards anyway – and left the cabin shortly before half past eight. The reason for the early start was to allow ourselves the chance to experience a restaurant breakfast, without having to wait in line for a table.

As we had hoped, we were shown straight to a table, where we were well dined on the finest hen eggs, fresh bread, hot drinks and juice.

Feeling that we were now more than setup for the day, we browsed the shops. Claire enjoyed the table top sale on one of the lower decks. Given how many other people were also browsing and how little space there was between the stalls, I thought it would be wise to remain sat on my scooter, well out of the way. I would certainly hate to be responsible for mowing down a little old lady by mistake.

Discovered the arcade filled with lots of video games – all chargeable, of course. The geek in me was thrilled to see an actual, working machine of Daytona USA – a classic racing game, from almost 25 years ago.

Claire was equally as thrilled as I was, but in her case, it was the claw machines that excited her. Unsurprisingly, the cuddly toy game didn’t return anything, apart from an addition to our cruise tab. The second machine did reward my wife. The prize – a lollipop. Not bad, considering she only paid 50 pence to play. Did I mention that you were guaranteed a prize everytime?

Visited the gift shop and spent more of our onboard allowance, with yours truly being the guilty party once again. A small, soft toy Peter Rabbit made my heart melt and I just had to have it. Claire kindly agreed. It was either that, or face the embarrassment of me throwing myself to the floor and having a temper tantrum like a two year old, which ironically is the age in which the soft toy I wanted was designed for… ok, make that two MONTHS.

Spent the afternoons in the cabin having a very relaxing time, watching the world go by. Keep spotting birds flying alone above the ocean. According to the live map on the television, we are many miles from any land. The resilience of the creatures fascinated me. I would love to know what type of bird they were.

Shortly before leaving for a night on the town, we noticed the toilet flush had broken again. This is taking the piss – except it isn’t, and that’s exactly the problem we’re having. Nowhere for our wee wees and other “business” to go.

Head to reception on the way to the restaurant, our eatery of choice for the evening. Managed to blag a couple of breakfast room service cards, so at least we can enjoy brekkie in the cabin again during our holiday.

Notice the colossal queue for the restaurant and realise that we may just get to the front in time for breakfast if we were to join now. That’s fantastic, but no use to us this evening, as we were hoping to eat before bed.

Head upstairs to The Beach House – one of Ventura’s premium restaurants. You do have to pay a small service charge, but the quality of food and atmosphere is worth the extra.

Starter of nachos was very well received by the two of us. A little too well by me, who didn’t leave much room for my main course – a vegetarian chili dog.

The portion was huge and it was all I could do to attempt part of the chilli dog.

Despite my appalling effort at the main course, I was able to find room for dessert, albeit in the lightest possible form – lemon sorbet.

Return to the cabin to find the bed and sheets made up beautifully for the night. Unfortunately, the toilet was very much out of action. Telephone reception to give them a piece of my mind and a jolly good rollicking. Instead opt to ask very politely when they think our lavatory would be repaired and would they mind awfully making an effort prioritise our request.

Sit with Claire by our balcony, while trying to stay occupied by completing a crossword, while waiting for the plumber to repair our loo. This is how we spend our holiday, folks.

Hear strange noises coming from the bathroom. Ask Claire if she would mind investigating the strange sound. Realise as I write this that if this was a horror movie, I would be a horrible husband, having effectively just sent my beloved other half to her demise, at the jaws of the toilet monster.

Thankfully, it turned out that there was no toilet monster. Even better news – the flush was now working.

Decide to head to bed for an early night, as both tired. An afternoon of relaxation can really take it out of you. Still wary of receiving a knock at the cabin door from a plumber, enquiring into the dodgy flush, so keep the bedroom lights on for now.

Informed by Captain Allen that as we are visiting Maderia tomorrow, we should put our clocks back an hour, to match Portuguese time, which is also the same as the UK. I believe the Canary Islands, which we visit later this week, also share this time zone, so there will be no further changes to times again on this cruise.

Captain Allen also tells us that we should expect some rough weather tonight, but it’ll be ok as the ship’s stabilisers will be deployed. For those cruisers who presumably thought stabilisers were something you find on a young child’s bike, we are then given a lecture on what they are and how they stop the ship from rocking and becoming out of control.

I will let you know tomorrow how we get on with the storm…

Woke up in the middle of the night to discover Claire wide awake and troubled. As I came round from my sleepy state, I learnt from my wife, plus the movement of the ship, that we had entered choppy waters.

I have always maintained that should we experience bad weather at sea, I would stay in our cabin, led on the bed. I find the ship’s movements relaxing whilst lying down, so would me more likely to catch forty winks, than be in need of a sick bag.

We were both awake for an hour, as Claire checked the television for weather updates. The wind speed was 50 nots – about 57 miles per hour – which does sound fairly strong.

The weather and rocking eased, after about an hour. This allowed us to turn the lights and television off, before making a welcome return to sleeping. It was about 5am at this time.

Awoke some hours later by Claire. We had arrived at the first port of our cruise – Vigo. The ship had already navigated its way into harbour and moored.

Claire was eagerly trying to connect to the internet using her mobile phone. We had both been missing Roman, and although aware that our parents were dropping in twice a day to feed and pay him attention, had both been worrying about him. We connected to the internet and the webcam I had setup back home. Roman looked fine.

This morning, we decided to have breakfast in our cabin. With the lifts being out of order for a couple of hours from 10am, we didn’t want to take any chances of becoming stranded, so any visit to the buffet or restaurant was out of the question.

Brekkie arrived early. A selection of fresh juice, hot drinks, toast and pastries – all well received.

As time was getting on, we felt the need to vacate the cabin. Our wonderful steward, Lawrence, would probably be waiting to clean and tidy our living quarters.

Without fail, as soon as Claire placed the sign on our cabin door, requesting it be cleaned, Laurence tapped at the door, eager to come in. I do hope that we weren’t the last cabin on his list.

Wandered, or in my case, rode, around our deck (remember, the lifts were still off limits), while we waited for Laurence to finish.

Later that morning, we had a buffet lunch, including a mix of bread, salad, chips and vegetables.

Back in the cabin after lunch and attempted to watch the Leeds game on my mobile phone. Eventually found a way in order to watch the match. Everything started well, until disaster struck! No, surprisingly Leeds didn’t concede a goal. For whatever reason, the internet decided to throw a hissy-fit and stop streaming video.

Surrendering to the stubborn forces of modern technology, I instead opted to enjoy the Spanish afternoon and have a siesta of my own.

Vigo looks to be a very busy and, without wanting to sound disrespectful, unattractive port town, compared to other Spanish and European destinations. However, it certainly wasn’t too noisy and the silence of the harbour made the afternoon really relaxing.

Discover Leeds are winning 1-0. Nope, make that 2-0 – a full time result, which catapults my mighty club to the top of the league. Remind myself that I saw a man in a Huddersfield Town shirt this afternoon. His team lost 2-0 and sit joint bottom of the table. I guess I’m the one having the happier evening.

Make use of the internet access to download a couple of audiobooks – Cruise Confidential. Real life stories from a former cruise ship worker. I also picked out a book about the Tiranic’s final hours. Perfect listening for a holiday primarily based on water.

We are now leaving Vigo. Reliability informed by Captain Allen that we will travel 640 nautical miles (just over 730 regular miles), to Maderia. Clearly, given the distance, this was never going to be a journey we could make overnight, so another day at sea beacons.

This evening, we plan to visit the Havvanah Bar, where Jon Clegg – a comedian and impressionist, from no less than the 2014 Britain’s Got Talent Finsl – will be performing. Space in the bar is limited and with Claire and myself both having to shower and change, we made the mural decision to treat ourselves to a meal in the cabin, before hitting the town.

Woke up at 7.30am, after what I believed to be a disturbed night’s sleep, although Claire assures me that everytime she woke up, which was frequently, I was sleeping. I often find the first night in a new environment strange, so am hoping for a better sleep tonight.

The sunrise this morning was beautiful and brilliantly captured by my wife, who had already braved the balcony. Honestly – waking up to nothing more than the ocean waves from outside and sunlight beaming in, is just incredible.

Decided not to hang around enjoying this bit of luxury for too long, as we wanted to try breakfast in the restaurant, which is only open for a limited period.

Greeted by a smartly dressed, friendly member of the restaurant staff who asked us if we would mind sharing a table with others, or waiting a while and just Claire and I sitting together. We chose the latter. I began to think my choice of t-shirt for the day, depicting the words “I love my Netherland Dwarf Rabbit more than I love most people”, was rather fitting in that situation.

Treated to lovely coffee, fresh orange juice, croissants and toast for breakfast. It was worth the wait.

Returned to our cabin, to find that it hadn’t been cleaned. I was also unfortunate enough to discover that the toilet would not flush. Unfortunate because I only realised the flush was broken, after I had used the facilities.

Leave the cabin, to allow our steward to clean it in peace. Make a diversion to the ship’s reception to report the toilet flush. Resisted temptation to assure the receptionist that the flush hadn’t stopped working because of what had gone into the toilet bowl.

Took a tour of the ship, making sure to stop at the gift shop to buy some goodies for those back home, as well as ourselves. A tad surprised to learn that we had somehow spent over £70 – all we had bought was some chocolate, sweets, a book about shipwrecks and some pressies.

Our travels also took us past a rather familiar sight – the lesson from the previous evening on operating a life jacket. A small selection of cruisers were sat down, while a member of the crew demonstrated what to do if the ship was to sink. Now, either these people enjoyed last night’s lesson so much, that they just had to attend another – or they were very naughty boys and girls, who had missed last night’s mandatory safety demonstration! The part of me who enjoys following rules, took great delight in seeing those who broke them get punished, like disobedient school children.

Spent Saturday afternoon having a very lazy, but very peaceful time, relaxing in our cabin and balcony. Given the fact that this cruise was for us both to relax, as opposed to have an action-packed adventure, I think we did the right thing.

Along with Claire, we watched all the results being announced across the country, in the hope we would discover how Bath City had done. No luck.

It was another trip to the buffet this evening for our evening meal. The main meal at the restaurant was a dish which included asparagus and quail egg. Not really our thing.

Instead of doing battle with the other diners, while trying to control a scooter and pick my own food, Claire kindly volunteered to collect a selection of dishes for the two of us.

Highlight of the meal was a smiling Irishman approaching me. “That’s a lovely badge!”, he exclaimed, while pointing to the Leeds United crest on the rear of my scooter. My new friend returned a while later, to ask if I thought Leeds would win the Yorkshire Derby against Barnsley tomorrow. “Hopefully”, was my reply. You can’t rely upon Leeds for anything.

Following our school dinner, we took another tour of the ship, including going onto one of the main decks, where we were able to admire the picturesque sea and sky.

Somehow managed to crash into my first victim using my scooter. The unlucky gentleman and I were both leaving a lift, when he stepped out in front of my moving scooter. We both apologised to each other – such a British thing to do!

Stayed on the lower deck, as we had been promised a talk from Captain Allen. The area quickly filled up with cruisers, all hoping to hear from the most important man on board (besides me). I was slightly surprised at the large turnout – it was not as if somebody really important had turned up, say, The Queen or Marcelo Bielsa.

Now back in the cabin. Discovered that Bath City had drawn 2-2 against Eastbourne Borough, and had slipped down the table.

The daily newsletter has informed us that due to essential maintenance, there will be intermittent power cuts throughout tomorrow morning, with all lifts being out of action for two hours, between 10am and Noon. Looks like we’ll be spending a bit more time on our balcony.

Now on board Ventura. The drive down to Southampton went smoothly, although it was a tight squeeze into the car, as we had to contend with all our luggage, various medical equipment and a mobility scooter.

Whizzed through check-in on my scooter, almost literally. Apparently it is not uncommon to have to queue for hours before being allowed into your cabin. One of the few perks of being disabled is that P&O allow you to bypass the people with working legs and head straight for security.

The only trouble I encountered, was from a baggage handler, who commented negatively, but in jovial fashion, on the fact I was a Leeds fan – presumably upon seeing the football club’s badge on my scooter. Make a mental note to remove badge before going ashore, as some locals may not be quite so friendly about the crest.

When aboard, discover our captain is named Martin Allen. No confirmation as to whether or not he is the football manager of the same name, who also goes by the identity “Mad Dog”.

The cabin is adapted for scooter and wheelchair users, and is very nice. Already been onto our private balcony. We are facing the opposite side to what we did on previous cruises. This pleased the historical geek in me, as the quayside which we are looking onto, is the one which Titanic set sail from. The same bollards which the ill-fated ship remain and are painted orange. This excited me, but was of no interest to Claire.

With a few hours to kill, before departure, Claire and I decide to start early, by visiting the buffet and making use of the fact we had unlimited free* food for 11 days.
* food which came free, after spending several thousand pounds on a luxury cruise.

Currently in bliss and relaxing on the bed in our cabin. Sadly, the serenity will soon be broken when we are dragged kicking and screaming from our room to a ‘muster station’, where we will sit alongside hundreds of other cruise makers, who would rather be elsewhere, while some poor ship staff lumbered with the job of ‘teacher’, show everyone how to put on a life jacket. One thing’s for sure, if the ship goes down, I’m going down with it, so poorly I rate my chances.

Discovered another perk of being a scooter-user, which able-bodied cruisers do not have. A private lesson on how to use a life jacket – AKA not dying like Jack in Titanic. This allowed us to get away from the classroom before everyone else, like naughty school children.

During the lesson, “Mad Dog” Martin Allen sounded the ship’s emergency alarm. A siren which you will only hear if something really bad happens – like hitting an iceberg or getting taken over by pirates.

Captain Allen, which is how I will refer to him from now on, reminded everyone that in the event of the alarm be sounded, it must not be treated as an instruction to abandon ship. I can safely predict that should the emergency alarm ever be required, half the cruisers will run around in a blind panic, jumping overboard. The other half, in their stubbornness and gluttony, would refuse to leave the buffet. Instead opting to get one final sausage down their gullet, despite being up to their knees in seawater.

We opted for an early night. We were very tired after the travelling and preparations for the cruise. It appeared everyone else had the same idea, as the queue to get into the restaurant was huge. Checking the menu, it didn’t appear too appetising, so instead chose to try the buffet.

This evening’s buffet reminded me why, on our 2017 cruise, we avoided the place. Just like on our 2015 honeymoon, the buffet was hell.

I was left livid by the lack of courtesy, rudeness and selfish behaviour of some travellers. Claire and I entered an empty lift, which took us up the many decks towards the buffet.

Naturally, the lift stopped on occasions to let people on. Fair enough – I take no issue with that. What I did take issue with, was upon reaching the top deck, everyone pushing their way out – as if it was every man, woman and child for themselves.

Not wanting to mow anyone down, and being taught good manners by my parents, I waited for the mob to leave. At this point, the doors immediately closed and with no time to alter the situation, the lift descended all the way to the bowels of the ship.

We eventually found our way to the buffet, and with me still muttering and wishing ill upon certain cruisers, started to collect our food.

I wasn’t too impressed with what was on offer. I was even less impressed with the minority of diners, who barged past me. Look, guys – it’s a mobility scooter, not an invisibility cloak! Look where you’re going. Didn’t God give you eyes?

My first evening meal onboard Ventura consisted of some bread, butter and vegetables. Yum yum! Seriously, things will improve. The dessert was lovely – a kind of custard pastry slice.

We are now back in our cabin. I am writing this blog from bed, while Claire unpacks her clothes and huge shoe collection. Just to confirm – she has lots of shoes in her collection. She does not have a collection of massive, clown-style footwear.

It’ll be Take 2 for the restaurant tomorrow. We are at sea all day, but will be getting up early, to be winded and dined at breakfast.