When it comes to online grocery shopping, there is now a greater challenge than simply finding somewhere that hasn’t sold out of toilet roll. The first, and by far greatest hurdle to overcome is that of getting a delivery slot in the first place!

If you were to dare attempt to shop online at Morrisons, you’ll be stuck in a queue longer than one for the latest Alton Towers rollercoaster. The one which is so scary, they guarantee every thrill-seeker will soil themselves, or get their money back.

I suppose people should all be pleased by this. The custom of queuing is apparently very British. Those who voted to leave the EU – bEaCuZ iT mAyKs uS m0rE bRiTuSh – must be so proud.

A virtual queue is certainly preferable to a real one. For starters, you can queue while in bed, instead of in the wind and rain. It is also impossible to queue jump.

Best of all, you don’t need to worry about idiots disobeying ‘social distancing’ rules – meaning that the only virus you are at risk of catching, is one that affects computers. Even then, you’ll only get infected if you are looking at vajazzle-my-pet.com at the same time.

By the way, while I have no idea if that is a real website (honest), I wouldn’t recommend trying to find out on your home computer. Wait until you’re back in work and use one of theirs.

Assuming your sanity and internet connection remain unbroken for long enough to reach the end of the virtual queue, you’ll discover that there are no frickin’ delivery slots left anyway.

Then there is Tesco. The supermarket Claire and I pay a rather pricey subscription to, in order to get our shopping delivered throughout the year. Now I know that everybody is desperate to get their groceries, but one would have thought that some loyalty may have been shown to the customers stupid enough to purchase a now worthless ‘Delivery Saver’ pass.

This screenshot was taken by me. Note the time. Why the fudge is it so busy at that hour?

It would appear that you have more chance of spotting a live chicken at the dentists, than getting a delivery slot.

get it? … because chickens have no teeth… so won’t need to see a dentist… forget it.

The fact customers have to queue for anything up to an hour, in order to access a website, is madness in itself.

Is this the year 2020, or have I somehow stumbled back in time to 1996? The Tesco website certainly feels like I am accessing it through CompuServe on a 28.8k dialup modem (ask that computer geek you know, to explain what all that means).

I suspect Tesco’s web server is powered by a hamster running in an exercise wheel. If not, it’ll be a 25-year-old computer, with Windows 95.

At least Morrisons are trying to help their customers a little. To those shoppers who are interested – or brave – the supermarket are selling pre-packaged boxes of ‘essentials’.

You don’t know what you are getting, but it is clearly essential. I wonder what could be in this mystery box of essentials? What I consider to be essential is something you would most likely die without…

Perhaps the box contains a running supply of fresh water? An eco-system, complete with clean, breathable air. Most important of all, a subscription to Sky+.

I’ll give it a miss. I’ve heard about mystery boxes before.

To be honest, most turn out to be a bit crap…

Whereas some mystery boxes are just one big let down…