Channel Four recently showed a documentary on people who go dogging. I only realised it had been on, when I noticed social media had gone into meltdown over the programme’s content and the individuals who took part in it.

Being the inquisitive type, I downloaded the documentary – which had been given the rather witty name, Dogging Tales.

My viewing ‘pleasure’ didn’t last for long . Within the first couple of minutes, I saw a pair of bare legs, with trousers and underpants pulled down around their owner’s ankles. The person looked to be reliving themselves, by enjoying an exceptionally long pee. There was clearly a long queue to use the loo, as I could hear many moans and groans in the background – presumably from other people who had been caught short and needed a wee or a poo.

A couple was later interviewed. They were both wearing masks, but these were not to protect themselves or others against coronavirus. The masks resembled some kind of animal – most likely a dog, cat or rabbit.

The man in the relationship revealed his first experience of dogging. In what was obviously a lie, taken straight from the ‘Jay Cartwright Book of Sex Stories’, he recalled how he was getting his end away (for want of a better phrase) with two women in the back of a car, when he was surrounded by six men who began pleasuring themselves.

I would like to say “in this situation, any normal person…”, but what “normal person” has a ménage à trois in their voiture? Unless everyone is doing it and I’ve lived a sheltered life.

For the sake of getting my point across, I will use the inappropriate term…

In this situation (being watched by six perverts), any normal person would either – call the police – put their jeans back on and drive off – murder the lead sicko, by ramming the closest object to hand up his bum. Most likely, a TomTomGo Sat Nav. A nasty way to go, but at least the hearse driver wouldn’t get lost on the way to the funeral.

As this was a Channel 4 documentary, the bloke was hardly going to be your ‘Average Joe’. Instead of reporting the party (consisting quite literally of wankers) to the fuzz, or throwing away a perfectly good £100 satellite navigation system, ‘Joe’ began chatting to the brasen voyeurs. I bet the two women he claimed to have been with him were thrilled.

Joe told how he was taught all the secrets of dogging, which he thought “sounds alright”, in a manner so casual, it was as if he had been asked by a mate if he wanted to nip out to Nandos for some chicken.

His partner, who I believe to be his wife, also wore a mask, in an attempt to make herself look like a character from a Colin Dann novel.

She and her hubby explained how, up until getting involved in dogging, she was severely lacking any self-confidence. It was a little patronising towards the poor cow, as I was given the impression that she was too nervous to visit the corner shop to buy a packet of chewing gum.

Now the opportunity has emerged to have sexual intercourse with her husband or a fellow dogger, while men and women pleasure themselves just a few feet away, her confidence has shot through the roof!

Not only can she stride with pride into her local Premier Convenience Store and buy a dozen sticks of Wrigleys, but also ask the shop assistant for a lottery scratch card, fifty ‘Tie Nee Weiner’ condoms, a bottle of Smartprice Vodka, five packs of Match Attax football stickers and a box of twenty Marlboro cigarettes.

The documentary went on to feature the couple venturing into the woods. It wasn’t made clear what the purpose of this trip was for, but one would guess it to attend a teddy bears’ picnic.

The documentary makers managed to film an owl in a tree. It was probably the nicest and most natural thing to feature so far. It was when ‘Joe’ started talking photos of his wife, posing on bits of fallen trees, that the owl flew off. It had clearly all become too creepy for the bird, just like for me. I turned the telly off.

Having been left rather perturbed by what I had just witnessed, I let Claire know. She was in another room, so had been spared the horrors that I just witnessed.

The conversation (over WhatsApp) was as follows…

ME:
I started to watch a Channel 4 documentary on dogging. It was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen and I had to turn it off after 10 minutes!

WIFEY:
Why were you watching a programme on dogging?! Is there something I need to know

ME:
It’s a documentary. You know me, I watch them loads. The other day it was about a murderer. Doesn’t mean I’m going to kill anyone

Anyway, I had absolutely no interest in dogging ever.. and after watching that depravity, there is no way on this earth I would have anything to do with it!!

The morbid interest that attracted me – and apparently over two million viewers – to initially watch the documentary, was obviously too much for my wife, as she came through and suggested we view it! That meant re-watching the ten minutes of filth I had just sat through.

I issued Claire with a strong warning about what she was about to watch, in the hope that she would change her mind. Unfortunately, for my state of mind, she didn’t. Now I know why they say “curiosity killed the cat “.

My wife and I bravely managed to watch the first ten minutes without vomiting blood. We even continued beyond where I had given up during my original viewing – the scene where the owl had freaked out.

It wasn’t long before Claire and I decided that enough was enough and turned the filth off. Before that, we had the displeasure of having to watch a truck driver reveal how seventy percent of his fellow truckers were also into dogging.

To his credit, the trucker did manage to amuse me, by repeatedly referring to women as “females”. Many people would understandably be a little creeped out by the driver’s term for the fairer sex, making them sound more like corpses than human beings. However, being a fan of the excellent Friday Night Dinner, I had to laugh every time he used the ‘F word’.

I was able to take something from the documentary… dogging isn’t for me. Either as a hobby, or even watching documentaries about the pastime.

I’ll make an exception when it comes to Peter Kay jokes on the subject. I am yet to be able to watch this YouTube video without laughing my head off.