By the time you read this, you will be able to once again drink in pubs, thanks to the government easing lockdown laws.

This is assuming that you live in England. If you are a citizen of Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland, be grateful for your tougher guidelines, fewer coronavirus deaths and free prescriptions.

I’VE BEEN AWAY FROM THIS BEAUTY-SPOT FOR TOO LONG!

Was this a good move for England? You tell me. Look out of your window. Can you see hoards of lager-filled yobs rampaging the streets, shouting “White lives matter”, in between songs about Millwall Football Club?

If the answer is ‘no’, the change will probably spell a much needed return to normality. Considering how much tax is applied to alcohol, coupled with the amount of booze the English are capable of putting away while on a bender, the economy will be back on track before you can say “stomach pump”.

Should the view from your window be an accurate reflection of my vision of mob law, don’t worry too much. You’ve probably just woken up in Billericay – the rest of the country is doing fine.

A lot has been made about the fact pubs were only be allowed to open at 6am and not 00:01. The government were apparently concerned by the potential for parties and overindulgence, should social drinking restart at midnight…

Have they never wandered into a Wetherspoons for an early-morning coffee or breakfast? The place is overrun with winos, alcoholics and pensioners – off their tits on house red, Zukovsky Vodka and the ale of the week (which I hear is currently Boris’ Barnet). If people are going to get pissed, they’re going to get pissed.

Incidentally, I cannot claim to have entered a public house before midday. Not only do I love my bed too much to get up until at least half the morning has gone, but I prefer to do my binge drinking from a brown paper bag, while sat on a park bench next to a mangy stray dog. Therefore my claims about the Wetherspoons clientele is based on reputation – although there is no smoke without fire.