Guess what? After being off work since January, due to a mix of sickness and annual leave, following my leg break, I am returning to the office tomorrow.

That’s two entire months off work. Some people have said that breaking a major limb is a rather extreme measure to take, to avoid the inevitable ribbing, from colleagues, about Leeds United’s spying scandal. I feel it was a necessary step to take – not that I was in any position to be taking steps, at the time of the fracture!

NOTE FOR MY EMPLOYERS: For the purpose of clarity (and retaining my job), the above paragraph is a joke. My leg did break. It was the single-most painful experience of my entire life. Would I inflict such trauma on myself, all for the love of a second tier football club? Would I feck.

In preparation for my return, I have been getting things ready – clothes, food, drink, nunchucks (again, please refer to the above note) etc. This involved removing the contents of my work bag. Considering I only use this bag for work and I have been off since January, I was intrigued (and slightly scared) about what I might find.

Here is what I discovered in the treasure trove…

• A scarf, gloves & woolly hat. It’s easy to forget that the weather was somewhat cooler, at the time of my fracture.
• ID badge and Smartcard. The ID badge is used to get me into the building and stops the security team from kicking my arse, when I am unable to prove that I am not Osama bin Laden. The smartcard is used to get me into the computer and stops my colleagues from kicking my arse, for finding another excuse to shirk doing my job for another two months.
• Various supermarket shopping bags. At five pence a bag, they’re worth their weight in gold. I’ve been carrying around a small fortune!
• An unopened yoghurt. By far the most disturbing discovery from my ‘bag of wonders’ – and the inspiration behind today’s blog. Sadly, the yoghurt is worth considerably less than the shopping bags – unless it is required for scientific research. The yoghurt in question is a Muller Corner Chocolate Banana Muesli Yoghurt. Sounds delicious. It’s not. One spoon of this would probably kill you. The use by date was 21st January. However, what made my discovery even more worrying, was the fact my uneaten breakfast had been festering in my bag, without any means of refrigeration. The yoghurt is now in the bin. If anyone does wish to take it for a science experiment, use in a nasty chemical weapons attack, or a tastier and healthier alternative to a Pot Noodle, our bin day is this Friday. Help yourself.