With Sunday spelling the first day of December, it was time for us to put up the Christmas tree. Claire and I have always been of the belief that the tree should be enjoyed and brought out at the earliest opportunity.

We are certainly not one of those couples who follow traditions and wait until 12 days before the big day, or heaven forbid, 24th December, as some websites claim is the correct length of time to wait.

Christmas comes, but once a year, as the saying goes – therefore I believe if it makes you feel good, put up your tree at the start of December. Heck, why not get the tinsel out in June, if you want to!

Anyway, this is our tree – expertly unboxed and plugged in by Claire. What do you think?

There’s no need to be polite. It’s shit.

How in the hell we were happy with this during the last two Christmases, I have no idea. Suffice to say, within minutes of the tree going up, we were on the Argos website, looking for something better. We didn’t really need to check Argos for an upgrade – we have plenty of twigs in the back garden, which would do a better job than that sorry excuse for a tree in the photo.

There were some beautiful and huge trees available. We had to be careful not to buy one too large, for fear of it not fitting in our front room. Plus, some were so realistic, we would probably end up with a territorial robin flying in through an open window and building a nest.

The robin would then attack anyone brave enough to go downstairs. We would be forced to sell the house and move out – or worse, buy a cat to kill the aggressive bird. While we would be free of the robin, we would be stuck with a pet cat that we don’t want. They can live for over 15 years, which would be a fecking nightmare.

In the end, we went for a five-footer (tree, not cat). This would fit nicely in the corner; plus, thanks to the fact I have been shrunk by scoliosis, the tree would still be taller than me!

Claire put the new tree together, although ran into trouble when it came to attaching the feet to the base. In the past, we have had notorious problems with constructing the base for artificial trees.

I have previously been able to save the day, by jamming the feet in really hard, hitting the base against items of furniture and generally shouting profanities at it.

Thanks to me selfishly breaking both arms, I couldn’t help Claire this year, although was able to offer advice, as well as swear at the stupid thing, while waiting lying on my back in bed.

Why oh why are these tree bases so difficult to put together? Do Argos expect us to purchase an industrial sledgehammer, along with the tree?

In the end, we settled for placing all four legs into the base, but rather loosely. Therefore, should anyone wish to start a sweepstake on when our tree will come tumbling down, feel free. Put me down for 9th December.

Luckily, the rest of the tree allowed Claire to put it together without any more problems! That left one final task… the official turning on of the Kitson’s Christmas Tree Lights.

We wanted to find a celebrity to perform the honours for us. Unfortunately Caitlyn Jenner, who had last year promised to help us out, is busy in Ant and Dec’s jungle. Oh well. Maybe next year…

Here is the tree in all it’s glory.

What do you think? Anyone who says “shit” can piss off.

Merry Christmas and goodwill to all men…