Everyone seems to have turned crazy over coronavirus. I haven’t really felt the need to blog much about it since the outbreak.

In the interest of keeping a personal historical record, I thought that I should write a little about what’s going on (how very Adrian Mole of me!), then in the future, we can look back on these mad times and laugh. That is unless it kills us all, which I am sure The Daily Mail would love us to believe.

Just a reminder to anyone panicking…

FUCKIN’ HELL!
GET ME THREE DOZEN FACE MASKS, FIFTY PACKS OF SUPER NOODLES AND BARRICADE THE FRONT DOOR SHUT!
WE CAN GET THROUGH THIS SNAKE PANDEMIC!

The latest update on the country’s absurd overreaction to the virus is from our leader, Boris Johnson. How we mocked the Yanks when Donald Trump got elected. That hilarity came back to bite us hard on the bum.

Anyway, good old Boris has told of how he bravely visited a hospital, where he thinks there are coronavirus patients, and shook hands with “everybody”.

Twitter users were quick to point out that Mr Johnson was at a hospital in Kettering. They went on to tweet that there have been no reported cases of coronavirus patients in Kettering hospitals…

Our illustrious PM did make another point. He advised everyone to keep washing their hands. Now, I’ll admit that when I first heard this, I rolled my eyes and considered writing to Number 10, suggesting that Boris appear on Celebrity Mastermind. His specialist subject could be ‘stating the bleeding obvious’.

As well as realising that I had shamefully plagiarised a joke from Fawlty Towers, Boris had actually made a good point!

While, as children, we were always encouraged to wash our hands after going for a “wee wee or poo”, there are literally loads of adults who do not!

I am certainly in the hand washing group, as is Claire. I don’t think I could live with someone who doesn’t wash their hands after going to the toilet.

I would go as far to say those who don’t wash their hands, after answering nature’s call, are a little bit strange, slightly selfish and very disgusting.

Imagine touching the toilet bowl, loo roll holder and flush.
Imagine the person who used the facilities before you.
Imagine how they could have had explosive diarrhoea all over their hands.
Imagine not washing their dangerous germs off your own hands.
Imagine using those hands to prepare food, not only for yourself, but a loved one…

Then there are the germs the soap-dodgers put all over the toilet door handle – meaning that even those individuals sensible and considerate enough to wash their hands, now have someone else’s poop particles all over their mits, when trying to leave the bathroom!

Sorry if I went a little mad with my soap rant. I’m just very keen on hand hygiene, which is probably why this is the first time that I have ever agreed with anything a Tory MP has said – and unless Boris forces the Football Association to promote Bath City to the Premier League, or introduces a national bank holiday in honour of rabbits, it’ll be the last.

Now back to why you’re all here – CORONAVIRUS!

No doubt like me, you will have heard many reports that the virus originated in China, as a result of someone eating an unknown animal.

I’ve heard that the creature was most likely a bat. Predictably, this has caused people in the Western World to start criticising some of the meats consumed in countries like China.

As a vegetarian, I shouldn’t really be defending meat-eaters, but forgetting the coronavirus risk for one moment, are some of the meats served up in the UK any less disgusting?

This isn’t me behaving like a veggie-activist, it is me attempting to highlight food items, which really shouldn’t be eaten by humans…

While China has bats, we have value sausages!

Now, before I continue, I would like to make a few things clear, to avoid getting sued…

• I see no reason why eating cheap sausages will cause you to contract coronavirus.
• Value sausages may be delicious. I wouldn’t know. Even in my meat eating days, I tried to avoid them.
• Value sausages don’t contain bat meat. Although they don’t contain much pork either – see the ingredients below!

Ingredients

Pork (38%), Water, Rusk [Wheat Flour (Wheat Flour, Calcium Carbonate, Iron, Niacin, Thiamin), Salt], Pork Rind, Pork Fat, Salt, Dextrose, Stabiliser (Triphosphate), Preservative (Sodium Sulphite), Spice Extracts (Black Pepper, Nutmeg, Capsicum, Coriander), Antioxidant (Ascorbic Acid), Sage Extract, Filled into Beef Collagen Casings (Beef Collagen, Water, Cellulose)

“Mmmmm…beef collagen casings.”

As a nation who consumes one hell of a lot of cheap bangers, are we really in a position to be critical of the eating habits of other countries?

I know that you won’t catch coronavirus from a steak and ale pie, but there was once a time where you could die from mad cow disease, after eating a beef sandwich. That is if the salmonella in your hard boiled egg didn’t kill you first.

Let’s be careful what we say. People in glass houses, and all that…

Finally, I’ll leave you all with this video. The clip is of a police training exercise, on how to deal with a coronavirus victim, should he try to escape.

Personally, I’d give him a box of tissues, a sachet of Lemsip and advise he stays in bed for a couple of days. I considered suggesting chicken soup, but it was soup that got everyone into this mess in the first place!

Unfortunately for the guy in the video, the law have a slightly different approach to my suggestions…

Oh, and in case you were wondering, I have no idea what the kids’ fishing net is all about…