The inevitable has eventually happened. My self-isolation has broken the 100 day mark!

I made the comparison between my situation and being under house arrest.

House arrest is a punishment more popular in America than over here. It is generally issued to individuals who have committed non-violent crimes.

My understanding of house arrest is what it says on the tin. You are ordered to remain at home for as long as Judge Rinder feels to be necessary.

I have cast my mind back to late February – when my confinement began – and am now wondering what naughty behaviour I could have got up to, resulting in having to spend one hundred days at home. After all, if I was being locked up to avoid catching coronavirus, I may as well also be incarcerated for having a bit of fun!

Here are some of the offenses which I could have committed to land myself in this situation…

Thankfully, only non-violent crimes qualify for the house arrest punishment. Considering that I make a huge effort to avoid running over woodlice with my wheelchair while at home, I consider myself a bit of a pacifist – although any creature with eight legs may disagree!

I therefore felt no pressure to happy slap a rugby player, or perform my kung-fu moves on unsuspecting bodybuilders.

Crimes I Could Have Committed But Didn’t Due To Being A Good Boy

• Drive down the motorway in my mobility scooter – remembering to stay in the outside lane. Did I mention that my scooter has a maximum speed of four miles per hour?
• Find one of those racist American police officers and call him a dirty pig.
• Go to the cinema (pre-lockdown), film the latest Van Diesel movie using my mobile phone camera and upload it all over the internet.

• Break into Pets At Home during the middle of the night and kidnap/rescue all the cute little bunny rabbits.
• Visit Elland Road for a Leeds game. Drive onto the pitch using my scooter, just before the opposition team score – preventing a goal.
• Throw raw eggs at Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, Katie Hopkins, John Terry, Jim Davidson and my obnoxious neighbour. Six eggs, six targets. The problem would be getting them all in one place at the same time.

Which one would I prefer? As fun as it sounds, No.1 would probably kill me, as would No.2. That leaves a clear winner…