My fellow Sparkterians,

Last night I experienced a totally unprovoked and vicious attack from an enemy.

At approximately 2330 hours GMT, Monday 31st January 2005, I was lifting up a T-Shirt from the floor when a medium sized house spider ran from underneath.

This was a surprise attack from the spider and I had to act fast to combat the enemy. With the spider backing away from me and almost certainly ready to attack I raced for my arsenal of spider fighting weapons – a shoe and an aerosol of Raid Insect Spray.

With the spiders second attack immanent I attacked with full force spraying the enemy with the chemicals. This caused the spider to back off into the T-Shirt.

I knew the spider was almost certainly still alive; therefore it could not have been left. I had to remove the T-Shirt and the spider from my room.

Picking the T-Shirt up with my bare hands would be a bad idea. The spider was almost certainly intoxicated by the chemicals and even more dangerous. Had I lifted the T-Shirt it could have easily ran up my arm and attacked me with its own toxin.

I bravely put on some strong and sturdy shoes and kicked the T-Shirt out of the room and down the stairs into the bathroom with a vinyl wooden floor. There with a clothes rail and at arms length I carefully unfolded the T-Shirt hoping to find the enemy. It wasn’t there.

I retraced my steps up the stairs and noticed the spider. It looked dead, but to make sure it didn’t come back to get me and to prevent it from suffering (even my enemies shouldn’t suffer) I finished it off with my shoe.

I was on guard all night. Before bed I searched my room for more enemies – none were found. I also slept with a side light on so a darkness attack could not take place and placed the Raid Insect Spray by my bedside.

This evening, I am now downgrading the “Spider Terror Alert” from RED to ORANGE. I urge all of you in your own homes to be on guard against the enemy.

Just remember – “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”

Note: No animals were harmed in the making of this blog entry… apart from one spider which was killed quickly and only because it was him or me.